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Phoenix9572 posted 8/27/2013 13:56 PM

My WS and I have been trying to R - or so I thought since I first found out back in May about ONS years ago. Since then he's been caught 2x on web-sites. Each time swearing to never do it again and like a freakin idiot I believed him. I've been working so hard on trying to reestablish trust in him and with forgiveness. I've also been addressing my own FOO issues and felt like I was really truely making some progress.
Well today I had one of those gut feelings and checked his text msgs. I can see most of them but not all. One of them just said, "I.m avail my rate is 160". WTH? Trying not to let my emotions get away with me I found another one that just said Call me. Long story short, I googled them and found them on BackPage as call girls. I texted one of them and she spilled the whole beans for me!! I called my WH at work on his work line - that I think gets monitored and called him a lying sack of shit and told him to come home and get his stuff. He played dumb and I said I know about the call girls - so did you pick the $80 one? He said no. I told him again to come home and get his stuff and he refused and said we would talk about it tonight. I'm sorry but the time for talking is over. I called our MC who is also our individual IC and I've also called an attorney. I'm so shattered and scared about my future without him but I know I cannot keep living with someone who keeps disrespecting me and basically abusing me, my love, and my trust.
I know he will try to spin this someway/somehow - he always does. But I've already put all his stuff in a suitcase and sent an email to his office that he can come in to get his suits and then I want him to leave. There is no reason for this behavior other than he is sick sick sick!!!
Please for those who pray say a prayer for me tonight as I face my worst fear ever and have to face our boys to.
Sadly I have not been on here much lately and was wondering if that was a good sign that I was moving forward and didn't feel like I needed this support much more. Unfortunately I will be crying on your shoulders again and looks like I will be visiting the divorce board too.. Lord give me strength and courage.

sudra posted 8/27/2013 14:03 PM

I am so sorry. Sounds like he is continuing to cheat and left you with no choice. He's not just abusing your trust - he's endangering your life. He could catch any number of diseases from his "activities."

I don't know what else to say except hang in there. You deserve better.

soconfusednow posted 8/27/2013 14:19 PM

I know it's hard Phoenix. I'll be praying for you & your family.

shiloe posted 8/27/2013 14:35 PM


Stay strong, he will have a lot of excuses for you.

I'm so shattered and scared about my future without him but I know I cannot keep living with someone who keeps disrespecting me and basically abusing me, my love, and my trust.

But wouldn't you rather be alone than be treated like that. I would.

Dawnie posted 8/27/2013 14:37 PM


Stand your ground and give him a hard 180! You are worth so much more than this shit.

confused615 posted 8/27/2013 15:01 PM


Butterfly24 posted 8/27/2013 15:01 PM

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope it gets better, it will, in time. Stay strong. Take care of yourself.

Phoenix9572 posted 8/27/2013 15:09 PM

Thank you all for your kindess. Some moments it almost feels like too much to bear. I know I will survive and rise up from the ashes of our marriage.
I aleady have a doc appt for next week to see about AD and STD testing. Sad world when you have to worry about those things.
Yes 180 here I come!!

catlover50 posted 8/27/2013 15:52 PM

I'm so sorry Phoenix. Sometimes broken is just broken.

You will survive this. And come out stronger.

TrulySad posted 8/27/2013 16:01 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong and take care of YOU. There is some peace in having answers and knowing what direction you're going in.


momentintime posted 8/27/2013 16:20 PM

When he gets home, let him do ALL the talking. If you engage he will spin the facts and drive you crazy. Only say...hmmmmm, then silence. Continue to tell him, he needs to leave. Don't let him draw you in, it will be the kiss of death for your resolve and it allows him to see your vulnerable areas.

Continue to tell him to leave, if he gets to stay he will feel this will all blow over and he can continue on with his disrespect. Your behavior will dictate if he gets it. His being out will give him time to see life without you. It will also give you time to decide what your future looks like without pressure from him to move forward without fixing any of the issues.

Stay strong. Let him spin, lie, and try to manipulate. Don't rise to his bait. Keep focused on his cheating and lying and not his excuses.

[This message edited by momentintime at 6:12 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Elphaba posted 8/27/2013 16:39 PM

I am SO sorry to read this- it just made my stomach turn. That "Backpage" was just one of the many outlets my WBF used during his trysts.
It is my biggest fear- that I will find evidence of his going back to that again- we are working on R- but still have TONS of work to do before I will feel right again...if ever.

Swims posted 8/27/2013 17:03 PM

Phoenix, take a deep breath and remain as calm as you can tonight. Your sons need you, but you telling them the nitty-gritty perhaps can wait a bit until you are in a calmer, strong frame of mind. I know you are shattered by the thought of telling them. Be strong, and keep your kids safe ((Phoenix))

Sadwife222 posted 8/27/2013 17:46 PM

I'm so sorry. What is it with these entitled, damaged people who show no respect for their spouse's feelings? I just don't understand.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/27/2013 17:54 PM


I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that you are doing ABSOLUTELY the right thing for you. It won't be easy but you cannot live like this, no one deserves to live like this. Do not allow yourself to be disrespected any longer.


RippedSoul posted 8/27/2013 18:00 PM

I really like what momentintime had to say. Don't let him sway you with excuses and fast talk and justifications. No matter what he says, you have proof; no matter if he asks for another chance, you've given him those; no matter if he says he loves you, you can say you love him, too. But you don't love how he treats you. And you don't think his actions are loving ones. And you think he has a problem. And he'll have to start solving it while living apart from you and your boys.

My husband is a sex addict. Sounds like yours may be, also. The term gets thrown around a lot here, but look where we are! An isolated affair doesn't mean someone's a sex addict. Neither does multiple affairs. Neither does occasional pornography use. But a history of call girls and prostitutes and escorts--risking your health, your children's welfare, and your money--is a step up. Most men, imperfect as they are, don't go there.

His actions aren't just hurting you, they're ENDANGERING you. We've all got broken hearts, but for many of us, the STD testing is a mere formality. We don't have to worry. So please stand strong. You don't have to be mean or hateful or vindictive. You don't have to be that person. You just need a backbone. You just need to know that you and your boys deserve a man who will PROTECT you. When he can be that man, you might allow him to return.

It's your choice. It's time to take control. It's time to value you and your children more than him. When marriage works, it's a wonderful institution--even a sacred one. It's worth preserving. But not the way it stands for you right now; not unless he gets some help.

Prayers and hugs going out to you. You can do this!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

1devastedmom posted 8/27/2013 20:07 PM

I am so sorry. Just reading your post brought me to tears. This is my worst nightmare that my husband will do it again. You are doing the right thing for both you and your children.

RidingHealingRd posted 8/27/2013 20:13 PM

I am so sorry for the tremendous hurt you are experiencing. I wish you strength and send you many prayers.

You deserve better.

undonelife posted 8/27/2013 20:40 PM

You go girl! Stand up and hold onto that resolve. You. can. do. this! You deserve so much better than this.

Phoenix9572 posted 8/27/2013 21:09 PM

Well, tonight may have been one of the hardest things I have ever done but I'm proud of how I handled myself. He came home after work and I was waiting in the living room cool as a cucumber. I told him his stuff was packed in the bedroom and he could take it and his suits and leave. He said he thought we should talk first. I replied that there was nothing else to talk about.
He tried to start out by saying that he didn't go meet those girls and I said I didn't care, please leave. He tried to dig at me by saying that he wondered if I was still checking on him like he had been testing me. I repeated that I didn't have anything else to discuss.
So then he tries to go at me from a different angle - what are we doing about other things, ie. money and stuff. I laid out a game plan for splitting up our current checking account and savings and said that would be itemized in the divorce.
He sat there for several minutes and got up saying that "it doesn't matter you don't want to talk anymore" and off he went to our bedroom to start getting his stuff. I was dying to go back there and make sure he wasn't doing anything mean or underhanded but I just sat calmly in my chair.
After a bit he started hauling things out to his car and on one trip asked me if I could go get the hanging clothes bag. Uh, no, you can go get it yourself. That threw him for a loop because normally I would have been oh so accommodating. Not anymore.
He tried to initiate some more dialog about being fair in divorce proceedings blah, blah, blah and all I would respond with is "I'll discuss it with my lawyer." I finally told him who my lawyer was with the description she's a kick ass female attorney in the next town over.
I told him that the only other thing I had to say to him was that he needed to keep seeing his IC and to be safe.
He looked like he had tears in his eyes as he walked out and said "adios" and I replied "au revoir."
After he left I gave myself permission to cry and proceeded to call my mom and cry some more. The hardest part was telling the boys. Our oldest is in shock and I'm not really sure about the younger one. I tried to explain that I really had tried to make things work with their dad but it had come to the point that I needed to take care of me. Staying with the marriage was not a good thing for me and they deserved a mom that was happy and healthier. I know they will have to process all this in their own way butI feel so bad that I'm the initiator in this step when he's the one that fucked up royally. So not fair.

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