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triggered over a fart... wth

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Blameitontherain posted 8/27/2013 14:29 PM

Last night I made dinner. While everyone was getting plates, wh leans over, makes a face, a starts farting loudly. I get that it is body function but the whole production of it triggered me into thinking I know he would NEVER do that in front of ow but me, I get the disrespectful disgusting behavior. He was on good behavior for her but he can't bother to do it for me. It ruined the whole night.

Now I am just flabbergasted that a fart could stir it all back up.

SecondHelping posted 8/27/2013 14:40 PM

Yeah, it's weird the things that trigger us.

fWW had not worn make-up for a very long time. Then one day she started to wear it last year. Turns out, she was wearing it for OM.

Now she wears it again everydat and I love it, but the days she forgets or doesn't feel like it triggers me and makes me feel unworthy of the extra effort.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 2:40 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

CatchyUsername posted 8/27/2013 14:45 PM

Yeah - I get this one totally!!! I can't stand when WH starts being whiney instead of the "big strong man" he was with her. UGH.

myperfectlife posted 8/27/2013 15:13 PM

It irritates me to NO END when my WS does this now.
I even told him "I bet you didn't do that in front of her."
He doesn't seem to get it, but it's seriously demeaning.
The AP gets to see this "perfect" side of them which is total BULLSHIT.
I think I am going to have a talk with my WS and calmly let him know that although we may have done that in the past, I think it's rude and crude and I don't feel like it should be part of our marriage anymore.
Is that too much to ask? Who really likes their spouse farting in front of them anyway???

hobbeskat posted 8/27/2013 15:51 PM

Same here. When he does something disrespectful like flick water in my face when he's washed his hands I don't take it as amusing horseplay but rudeness and meanness.

notquiteoverit posted 8/27/2013 16:18 PM

I wouldn't make too much of a deal over farting. My WS farts a lot. We joke about it, and I never criticize him for it. I grew up around boys, so farting is something I can easily laugh about. In turn, I don't hold back either. I like that we are comfortable enough to do this in front of each other.

WS told me that he also farted in front of OW. She made a big deal about how disgusting it was and how she would change his diet. (Funny thing - we eat reasonably healthy and OW lives on mac and cheese.) In a small way, I like to think that he saw this as a negative against her.

carnelian posted 8/27/2013 16:39 PM

Yeah. Went out to dinner at a reasonably nice restaurant the other night. WS hunched over his plate and shoveled the equivalent of about 5 forkfuls of food into his mouth at once. I don't normally care about that kind of stuff at home, but geez... Trigger city.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/27/2013 16:54 PM

A couple of years ago integritymatters started a thread on farting. Members had all kinds of ideas about this particular body function and in relation to the affair.

Some feel that for your spouse to be able to pass gas comfortably in front of you suggests a kind of intimacy and they would be hurt if their WS was that comfortable with the AP.

Others feel it is just very disrespectful and disgusting behaviour.

And others just view it as a bodily function, a fart is a fart.

I didn't want to know what my FWH did in regards to his passing gas.

What I do know is that FWH is very comfortable passing gas in my presence. Now, at this point in our marriage, I am used to it. I don't like it, but I am not usually offended, either. I was shocked at first when we started living together.

We were much more discreet in our very large (8 children) family, that was how we were raised. FWH, not so much. But, he never passed gas in front of me until we started living together. He said he was always in pain whilst dating me from all the gas he was holding in.

Anyway, integritymatters thread got me to thinking about this. I told FWH that from now on whenever he passes gas in my presence he must tell me he loves me. And, he does. I am guaranteed at least one "I love you, Milkshake" everyday, but I always get more, depending upon what he ate recently. BTW, he tells me he loves me everyday when he isn't passing gas, too.

I turned a potential trigger into something positive. Some of the members decided to try the "I love you" with their spouse, too. Maybe you could try this, Blameitontherain, with your wh. It has actually turned into something special between us and we giggle about it now.

eta: MisterSister just walked into the kitchen. Guess what folks? He loves me!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:58 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

broken313 posted 8/27/2013 17:18 PM

Blameitontherain.....we have had the exact same conversation!
Of course people need to expel gas at some point or other, what has always bothered me is my WH exaggerated show with the process. He does work and he manages to control himself with colleagues and friends,so why not with me? I had put it down to immaturity until the A came along..... No he didnt fart with her, what really pissed me off was him saying this was because he ' didnt get to spend that much time with her'

Farting a much quieter and more reasonable event these days....

Stupid but it is a trigger for me as it showed he had a separate behaviour for her.

still2suspicious posted 8/27/2013 18:39 PM

When I first started really reading here I saw a thread on this (sorry cant remember who) and their take was the same as SMS's.

I told my H about the "ILU" whenever he farts, and that he needed to say it ( never told him where I got the idea )

To this day, also like SMS I am guaranteed a few ILU's every day

Alex CR posted 8/27/2013 19:02 PM

When I first met my H I was mortified when he had gas, but after almost 40 years, it's become the family joke.

SisterMilkShake -love your telling my H tomorrow I have a new option for him.

For years I have asked my H to say excuse me and he teases me waiting to say 'I love you' rather than 'excuse me' is much more fun for both of us! We are heading on a long drive for the holiday weekend, so I'm sure I'll get many extra 'I love yous'!

Living together all these years there are a lot of things we've shared that are probably TMI so I'm not putting them here, but that is the beauty of living a lifetime together. NO OW could ever even come close to what H and I have shared as a married couple throughout these years, even through the bad times.

Farts are just gas. According to my H the OW had to smell them too as H told me he is 'old and farty' the end, OW may have smelled his farts but she didn't end up with much more than that.....

Skan posted 8/27/2013 20:48 PM

Oh dear God. I live with the flatulence king! He has a spastic colon so he farts a lot. Loudly. Really loudly and long. After 21 years of getting used to it, he can STILL make me stand back in horrified amazement!

We're no help for you. He'll fart and then we'll both break into song "(so blow me a kiss) And that's lucky toooo!) He blows a short, sharp one, and we start looking for the barking spiders! The deadly soundless but lethal ones get us both blaming the Cat. And God forbid that I should pass gas (which tends to be the silent but lethal ones), because he starts tickling me, chanting "Ha! Poot! Ha! Poot!" because I tend to pass gas when I'm laughing.

It's sometimes like a boy's dorm room here in this house.....

ccw82 posted 8/27/2013 23:27 PM

I have felt the same over WH's little imperfections, for the exact reasons myperfectlife described. It's crap that these OW got to see nothing but his best side, while I'm sitting here loving him for ALL of his sides.

But then again, I think he sees that now.

[This message edited by ccw82 at 11:27 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

ItsaClimb posted 8/28/2013 02:48 AM

I can remember a post soon after I joined SI in which the poster asked whether everyone suddenly noticed obnoxious behaviours in their WS that never bugged them before? Turns out nearly ALL of us did!

Farting is definitely a trigger for me, as are any number of other little things that WS does quite naturally...

I feel that during the A I was treated with utter disrespect, while OW was respected and treated like someone of great value and importance, now every time he does something that I perceive as disrespectful, something he would never have done in front of OW, it takes me back to that "place" in my heart where I feel worthless and disrespected in his eyes. In my head I know it's not true, these are things that most married couples feel comfortable doing in front of one another, my heart just needs to catch up with my head on this!

Gr8Lady posted 8/28/2013 08:32 AM

OMG. This topic is cracking me up.
Or os WH would say. Let it rip....

TXBW68 posted 8/28/2013 08:47 AM

I'm sorry...In my house, that is unacceptable behavior by anyone, especially at the dinner table! Yes, it is a bodily function but you don't have to advertise your business or be rude. Be polite about it. Leave the room.

We have been together 21 years now (minus last year's 10 month separation). I have NEVER heard him and he has NEVER heard me. If my kids are rude about it, they get talked to about having manners.

I guess each family has their own comfort level though...

SisterMilkshake posted 8/28/2013 11:16 AM

I guess each family has their own comfort level though...
My FOO was like yours, TXBW68, that is how I was raised and I am still that way. However, FWH's wasn't raised that way.

As I said, I didn't like it, but I also wasn't offended. This is who he is, I am not perfect either. It was a battle not worth fighting, and the kids think (thought) Dad's farts are (were) hilarious!

At least now I get something good out of it.

Blameitontherain posted 8/28/2013 12:43 PM

Nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way. Honestly I know he has to fart and it is a body function. What broken313 said is the true. The process that happens is what I have a problem with. Hell even our 10 year old boy who revivals WH in this department knows to just say excuse me if it happens. There isn't a mini show put on before the grand finale so to speak.

This has always bothered me and he knows it but never bothered to change it no matter how many times I said something. Something that bothered me before, affair thrown in, thoughts of he would never do this to her, feeling disrespected and treated differently than ow and boom!

I spoke up and said something. He said he will never pass gas in front of me again, I told him that was not what I was saying. It is all about the process leading up to it. I did make a joke about saying I love you. He laughed (nicely) about it. I heard it four times in a small span of time.

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