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Devastaded posted 8/27/2013 16:33 PM

I am so thankful to God that I've found this website... Last night I cried myself to sleep reading some of your stories. It's good to know I am not alone... My marriage is going through a major crisis due to my H's cheating and I am having a rough time dealing with it... I feel so hopeless!!! I found out about his cheating almost two months ago and we split for a while... Then he came back asking for forgiveness, willing to go to counseling. It was the most difficult decision in my life, but I decided to take him back... Three days ago I found out that he contacted the OW again while we were separated, and it just broke my heart... There are no words to describe the pain I am feeling right now... I spent all weekend in bed, thinking about killing myself... I can't get these pictures out of my head, I can't even look at my H's face... I've always considered myself to be a strong, independent woman, but right now I feel so lost. I love him... I am that stupid. How can you love someone who hurts you like this? Someone who plays with your feelings, your love, your trust, your dignity? I wish I could be strong enough to save my marriage... But I don't think I can... Please help me.

SI Staff posted 8/27/2013 18:12 PM


krazy8516 posted 8/27/2013 18:23 PM


I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. SI is full of awesome, supportive people who have been (or still are) in the same place you are. I know it's a terrible situation, and it seems hopeless, but it's not.

I see you said your husband agreed to MC, but I think right now what you really need is some IC for yourself. Don't do anything right now except take care of yourself, and PLEASE don't harm yourself.

How can you love someone who hurts you like this?

You loved him before you knew who he really was. It sucks, but we can't just turn that off like a switch.

You are strong enough to save your marriage. You are also strong enough to walk away if you need to. Find your strength, and come here often for support.

::hugs:: to you!

TxsT posted 8/27/2013 18:42 PM


I am sorry you are here but glad you found us. all of us have been through the same sort of thing yet all of us have a very different story to tell. The healing library is great for those late nights of lots of tears and no zzzz's.

I urge you to come as often as you need.
I too wonder why my WH could hurt me so much. I am at a loss for words as to how I have been able to get as far as I have since my Dday....discovery day incase you are not yet up on the abbreviations we use. All I want to say right now is slow down, go slow, make no decisions until they feel right for you and you alone and listen to your will take care of you right now while you are unable to do so.

Also please do go immediately to counseling. Your words are crying out for extra help. Find a councilor and get that help. You mentioned your husband is expressing the desire to go to MC with you. DO it, he is reaching out to you and hoping like hell you are able to grab on. Also, please go to your family doctor and discuss your sad feelings. They are a wealth of info on medical and medicinal treatments to help you.

The fact that he re contacted the OW is very hurtful but maybe, just maybe he did so to get her out of his system. My H tried to leave his OW 3 different times over his almost 5 year A. The fact that he was never able to leave himself is still a huge sadness for me but it wasn't a deal breaker. It just meant he was far more screwed up then he thought.

Time will help you figure out which way you personally need to go.


[This message edited by TxsT at 6:43 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

kickboxer posted 8/27/2013 18:49 PM

I am so sorry...the pain is incredibly abrasive. It scrapes through each layer of your being -- mind, heart,and soul. Nothing is spared...every thought, word, and action of the years you've spent together suddenly feels like a lie. Everything is tainted. Nothing feels real, and your foundation is shattered.

I'm only 6-7 weeks it sounds like we found out around the same time. I've found solace here...just knowing I'm not alone, and hearing that others have survived before me.

I'm here to validate you. What you are feeling sucks beyond imagination.

But I'm also here to tell you a story...

I know of a local woman -- a very successful OB-GYN...she was young, beautiful, and full of life...she was a mother of three young boys, and she did commit suicide last year after learning of her husband's infidelity.

So many hearts have been left behind...completely broken...and three little boys have been robbed of their mother.

If you are feeling suicidal, PLEASE seek help. Please do not allow those thoughts to permeate reality and convince you that death is a better option than standing up to the pain, fighting your way through it, and coming out a better person on the other side.

If those thoughts continue to haunt you, please consider calling someone to talk about it. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, and they are there to help.


nekorb posted 8/27/2013 21:07 PM

I just want to say I'm so sorry you are here.


And I want to echo the sentiment that if you are feeling suicidal you need to seek help in real time. Call a friend or family member for help or call the suicide hotline posted above.

You are strong. You will survive. We are here to support you.

TryingEveryday posted 8/27/2013 23:23 PM

Hey Devastated.

Can I tell you something about myself?

Eight months ago I found out my wife cheated on me. The woman that my life centered around had cheated on me - and my world came crashing down - a feeling we're all pretty familiar with! A couple of days later, I was sitting at a train crossing waiting for the train to pass, and I thought to myself: "If I just got out of the truck and stood on the tracks, it would end very quickly. It would be over like that!" But I didn't. Thoughts of kids and parents and all that. But at that moment - no thought of her. Just getting away from the pain. Ending that shit.

The reason I tell you this is that I don't think they get it. Those on the other side. They just don't understand what this has done. How the hurt just never really goes away. At the beginning, it's enough to want to step in front of a train. But later, it subsides. It's still this dull ache that never goes away, but on most days it's more bearable.

I think about that day sometimes. The complete desperation and hopelessness. So consuming. But I'm glad I didn't step in front of the train. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm with her. Yes, being with her hurts everyday, but it's worth it. She is my biggest trigger and some days I just don't know how to be with her. The love I have for her, however, gives me no choice, and I'm actually thankful for such love.

So why am I out here tonight talking to you? It's kinda late and I should be sleeping!

I had a bad night tonight with my wife. We've had months of good nights, but tonight was a bad one. Lots of anger. Consuming anger. Anger that just takes off and blossoms! (We'd had some beer and that never helps!) Lots of feeling little and humiliated. Can't control that shit and it is just overwhelming. I couldn't sleep so I came out to the computer and logged on to SI and I found you.

I hurt for you. I ache for you. I know right where you're at. The pain and the damage is so immense. But please, please don't put so much negative stuff on yourself.

How can you love someone who hurts you like this? I don't know, but we do. We do. And that makes us good. That makes us the people that other people should strive to be. I mean think about it, you're willing to stand by someone who hurt you in the worst possible way. Does that make you stupid and foolish? No (though we tend to feel that way), it makes you honorable and loyal and dedicated. Those are pretty good things to be!

If you truly love him, AND he truly loves you, then you can deal with this ugly, nasty shit that he created. Guess that's the real nature of love. Not to be able to deal with the shit, but to be able to deal with the reality that he created it. That's the worst part. To me that's totally it. Not that this happened, but that she chose to make it happen. It's not like some accident happened to us - she chose it. That it absolutely the worst part.

So, Devastated, I am so sorry for you. I feel I connect to you. But please don't harm yourself. You didn't do this and you are not the weak person - you are strong for being able to deal with it! (Revenge fantasies where you harm the fuck out of them are okay, though!).

Please post again so we know you are okay.

Crazy thing is - we don't know each other - we in this big, sad SI family, and will never meet - but we are kindred souls. Be strong, believe in yourself, and you will be okay.

Josephine01 posted 8/28/2013 00:08 AM

So Sorry you are here ((Devastated)). I don't know how those who are supposed to love us can hurt us in this way. If I did I have a feeling I wouldn't have chosen R.

Like you, until this I considered myself a strong independent woman. For the longest time I felt ashamed, stupid, childish and defeated. Some days I still do. But not so often anymore. This site is a great comfort.

If you want to save your marriage and your WH does too; you do have it in you. You are stronger than you think you are. But, this is up to you there is no shame in the alternative.

I wish I had the words to make you feel better, but I know that will take a while. In the meantime. Try to eat healthy, exercise and sleep as much as possible.

Devastaded posted 8/28/2013 03:11 AM

Hello guys... Thanks a lot for your kind words. They truly bring comfort to my shattered heart.Pain is still here but the weird thoughts are gone. I never thought I could even imagine hurting myself just for the sake of hurting my H... Isn't it crazy? Cause when I was sitting there on the floor last saturday after finding out the texts and the pictures... (oh yeah, the pictures... the damn pictures are the worst part)I really wasn´t thinking about ways to end my pain... I was thinking on how to hurt him as bad as he hurt me. But then I remembered how I ended up at the psyche ward last time and I KNOW I do not wanna go back... So I dragged myself out of bed and managed to go to work. Still, it's been 4 nights and no sleep... I truly feel miserable. The worst part is being away from my family, not having a support system, dealing with this by myself. I tried talking to a friend today and it only made it worse... People just don't understand. It's so easy to say: "Dump him! How can he do this to you???" So, dump him, ok... But what about the vows? What about the years? What about the love we once swore for each other? But then again... Why didn't he think about the vows, the love and the years? How do you know that your WH truly loves you after something like this? I feel so angry!!!! I can't even see his face... I can't even picture my life with him anymore. I love him to death, but I want to hate him with all my heart... All I can think of is divorce. But mamy of you told me I should not make any decisions until I calm down a little bit... Will I? Will I have peace and dignity again? Will I be able to trust again? God, this is so hard... I don't know what to do.

Jpapageorge posted 8/28/2013 03:41 AM

Hey Devestated,
You will calm down a little eventually. You will regain peace and dignity. I am sorry I cannot tell you when this will happen but it will happen.

You need to take care of yourself and try to get any sleep you can.

Hang in there.


NeverAgain2013 posted 8/28/2013 09:00 AM

Not everybody chooses to reconcile. I'm one who didn't and don't regret it for a second. Good luck to you.

krazy8516 posted 8/28/2013 09:59 AM

I too, am far away from my support system. WH is from Texas, I am not. All of my "friends" and "family" are his friends and family from before he and I ever even met. I called my best friend back home after I found out about WH's affair and she said the same things to me: "Leave him!" and "You're living with a stranger, I hate that you're still together." I know she's just trying to protect me - as a best friend that's her job.

That's where SI comes in. Sure, there will be plenty of people encouraging you to leave. And some begging you to stay and try to make it work. What you have to remember is, this path is yours and yours alone. No one can make you do anything. We will all offer you advice - take what you need, leave the rest. Your situation is unique to you, and nobody can give you step-by-step instructions on how to get through it.

Please post whenever you are sad, mad, confused, and read through the articles in the Healing Library. Doesn't sound like you're sleeping much (this is normal, just make sure you are eating and drinking), so you might as well do some reading while you're up anyway.

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