Hey Devastated.
Can I tell you something about myself?
Eight months ago I found out my wife cheated on me. The woman that my life centered around had cheated on me - and my world came crashing down - a feeling we're all pretty familiar with! A couple of days later, I was sitting at a train crossing waiting for the train to pass, and I thought to myself: "If I just got out of the truck and stood on the tracks, it would end very quickly. It would be over like that!" But I didn't. Thoughts of kids and parents and all that. But at that moment - no thought of her. Just getting away from the pain. Ending that shit.
The reason I tell you this is that I don't think they get it. Those on the other side. They just don't understand what this has done. How the hurt just never really goes away. At the beginning, it's enough to want to step in front of a train. But later, it subsides. It's still this dull ache that never goes away, but on most days it's more bearable.
I think about that day sometimes. The complete desperation and hopelessness. So consuming. But I'm glad I didn't step in front of the train. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm with her. Yes, being with her hurts everyday, but it's worth it. She is my biggest trigger and some days I just don't know how to be with her. The love I have for her, however, gives me no choice, and I'm actually thankful for such love.
So why am I out here tonight talking to you? It's kinda late and I should be sleeping!
I had a bad night tonight with my wife. We've had months of good nights, but tonight was a bad one. Lots of anger. Consuming anger. Anger that just takes off and blossoms! (We'd had some beer and that never helps!) Lots of feeling little and humiliated. Can't control that shit and it is just overwhelming. I couldn't sleep so I came out to the computer and logged on to SI and I found you.
I hurt for you. I ache for you. I know right where you're at. The pain and the damage is so immense. But please, please don't put so much negative stuff on yourself.
How can you love someone who hurts you like this? I don't know, but we do. We do. And that makes us good. That makes us the people that other people should strive to be. I mean think about it, you're willing to stand by someone who hurt you in the worst possible way. Does that make you stupid and foolish? No (though we tend to feel that way), it makes you honorable and loyal and dedicated. Those are pretty good things to be!
If you truly love him, AND he truly loves you, then you can deal with this ugly, nasty shit that he created. Guess that's the real nature of love. Not to be able to deal with the shit, but to be able to deal with the reality that he created it. That's the worst part. To me that's totally it. Not that this happened, but that she chose to make it happen. It's not like some accident happened to us - she chose it. That it absolutely the worst part.
So, Devastated, I am so sorry for you. I feel I connect to you. But please don't harm yourself. You didn't do this and you are not the weak person - you are strong for being able to deal with it! (Revenge fantasies where you harm the fuck out of them are okay, though!).
Please post again so we know you are okay.
Crazy thing is - we don't know each other - we in this big, sad SI family, and will never meet - but we are kindred souls. Be strong, believe in yourself, and you will be okay.