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Worried we are backsliding...

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MylarPineapples posted 8/27/2013 17:09 PM

I've been on a sort of emotional roller coaster lately. We will have several good days, even GREAT days, in a row, and then something will trigger me and it's like I'm back to completely heartbroken all over again. WH has been very remorseful and patient with me, but I've been fearing that wouldn't last long. And I think this week I might have reached the end of his patience.

We had an awesome weekend together. Sunday night he told me there was a newcomer to his AA meeting that apparently had A's when she was drinking, but is choosing not to tell her BS because she thinks doing so will only cause him more pain. I commented on how twisted that line of thinking was, and WH sort of agreed - didn't say a whole lot more about it.

However, this conversation was a huge trigger for me, especially relating to Coworker #1 from January. I still feel like WH hasn't been 100% honest about her. I was up much of the night (on call for work so didn't go to bed right away) looking back at the cell bill from January, at the HUNDREDS of texts they exchanged over the course of several weeks. I noticed a few things that bothered me, one being that he started texting her almost immediately every morning. It really hurts me to see that he was so eager to talk to her every day, and I desperately want to know what he was saying to her each morning. This OW frequently posts memes and quotes on her FB, and I recall her posting something to the effect of "Getting that text first thing in the AM saying 'Good morning beautiful' makes my whole day." It is killing me wondering if this was in reference to my WH.

So I asked him what it was he was saying to her first thing every morning. The answers: "I don't remember." "It was mostly about work stuff." "There was probably a little flirting, but I don't remember - it's not like I PLANNED it all ahead of time, you know." Totally shutting me down, and getting irritated with me for bringing it up.

Then early this week, he got a FB friend request from a man he was friends with in high school. He also dated this man's sister in high school, and she is someone who he tried pretty hard to flirt with over FB chat several years ago. (To her credit, she shut him down every time he tried.) At the time it caused a huge conflict between WH and I, because I flipped out when I saw his messages to her (commenting on her photos, "Wow, nice legs!", etc) but he refused to admit he was doing anything inappropriate. He finally sent her a long FB message explaining that he couldn't talk to her anymore because his wife was throwing a fit (to put it concisely), and he was so sorry. (I don't think she cared, and didn't respond.)

Fast forward to this week: This woman's brother asked WH if he ever talks to her anymore. WH said he talked to her a few years ago, but had to stop because his wife was uncomfortable with it. He then said, "Pretty embarrassing, but that's wives." WTF?!?!?!?!?! I feel like this comment about me (which was totally unnecessary - he could've just said NO I haven't talked to her in a few years, PERIOD) just flies in the face of everything we've been talking about re: the importance of having good boundaries with others, having respect for our marriage, etc. If doing those things is so EMBARRASSING than what are the odds he will actually follow through when I'm not watching him like a hawk?!?

I don't know. Maybe I am just totally nuts. But to me, it feels like we are backsliding into the same old crap. He refuses to even discuss the FB message and says he doesn't understand why I'm just looking for stupid things to argue about. I want to tell him to F*&% off!!!

LosferWords posted 8/27/2013 18:22 PM

Your husband's behavior is unacceptable, and not conducive to healing and/or reconciling. I see a lot of blurred boundaries from him that you described in your post.

If he wants to be in this, he needs to have total transparency and strong boundaries. In addition to that, he shouldn't be talking crap about you to his friend either.

Definitely time to put your foot down, and if that doesn't work, maybe 180?

Ugh. So sorry you are dealing with this.

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