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How to get WW to post? (Wayward perspective wanted)

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Yakamishi posted 8/27/2013 17:17 PM

Any suggestions on how to get WW to post on SI?

I routinely will forward her a post I find that really relates to our struggle. I've encouraged her to read the Wayward forums. To seek out advice from others that have lived through the hell we are going through.

But she won't. Say's it's not her thing. She's been very comforting and responds to my hurts and fears. But that's the thing, she only "responds". Only reacts. She's not proactive and it makes me feel like she's only going along to get along.

How can I lead this horse to water?

Thoughts?

LosferWords posted 8/27/2013 18:27 PM

That's a tough one. From what I have seen in most cases is that if a WS, or even a BS, for that matter, doesn't want to post, they usually don't.

Maybe if you are having a discussion about something that you want to go a bit more in depth upon you could make the suggestion of bringing the discussion to SI for further input?

Hoping you get some better ideas from anyone that has had success in this area.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/27/2013 20:02 PM

The wayward perspective... You can't make her do anything. You can only decide what you are willing to live with.

JustDesserts posted 8/27/2013 20:13 PM

Aside from SI, is she doing anything proactive regarding her recovery, and making herself safe for you? And you're sure she's not taken an affair underground?

Clarrissa posted 8/27/2013 20:30 PM

She may be under the impression she'll get flamed if she posts. Granted, we (former) waywards can be tough but it's to help get another back on the right track.

Has she read on here at all? If not, you could suggest she do that. Let her get a feel for how things are done around here.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 8/27/2013 20:41 PM

As a condition of reconciliation , I told my WH he had to go to marriage counseling with me because I wanted the whole 9 yards, not a fake marriage. I am worth it. (He didn't go btw, we are D. But we would have gotten D without help if he had come back anyway).

I think stopping the affair is only the beginning with a WS.

I have seen it on this site is that each person needs to see an Indiv counselor but the MARRIAGE needs a counselor, too so it can be healed. This I think is what you are looking for. HER to work WITH you to heal your marriage. Go to MC w/o her. Then you can decide if you want her or not. She does seems to be just placating you. sorry. you deserve much better.

I just had a revelation. My WS did not want anyone in counseling (that would include this site) because he didn't want any other eyes on the situation because he was lying to me. Could this be the case with your WS?

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:45 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Steppenwolf posted 8/27/2013 21:05 PM

You do it the same way you would get a drunk to stop drinking, or an addict to stop using.

Yakamishi posted 8/27/2013 21:06 PM

Actually its been pretty good. She's very open with her movements. Always keeps me informed. She's been very regretful AND remorseful. She comforts me and reassures me. We go to MC together and both see IC.

My problem lies in that its all "reactive". She does nothing to make change proactively. She reads posts i send her. She'll talk most of the time when i ask her to.

But it just seems like its always me driving the bus. If i didn't do the work, where would we be?

sisoon posted 8/27/2013 22:17 PM

If i didn't do the work, where would we be?

Only one way to find out, and I encourage you to find the answer to your question. If you stop doing all the work, your W may pick up her game almost automatically.
****************************

What will your W's posting get or do for you? Figure out the answer and go for what you want directly.

Do you have something in mind that you think she needs to post about? If so, that won't work very well. The posting has to come from her head, heart, or guts - not from yours.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/27/2013 22:37 PM

If i didn't do the work, where would we be?

It's nice of you to do all the work. My H never did any work for me.

cinnamongurl posted 8/27/2013 22:54 PM

Maybe bring it up in MC? Let her know how important it is to you and that you would like for her to give it a shot? I know that for a long time, I was afraid of posting in a forum, any forum. Especially after reading here for a while. I was overwhelmed by the amount of pain and anguish I read about, and was still so deep in my denial that it took some time to open up.

Just let her know how important it is to you and your marriage. She may not realize how much it would mean to you.

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 10:55 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 8/28/2013 01:04 AM

But she won't. Say's it's not her thing

Then don't push her. My FWW does not like SI and R worked out fine for us.

She's been very comforting and responds to my hurts and fears. But that's the thing, she only "responds".

IMO, that is good enough. If she is a truly remorseful WS, then she is dealing with her own guilt as well. I understand how important it is for the BS to heal, but we can't forget about the struggles that are going on with our WS's. If a WS is not struggling with guilt, then something is really wrong.

Try to find a balance between her need to move on and your need to heal from the affair. R takes a lot of patience, understanding and time. As long as things seem to be moving in the right direction, then go with it.

1ost0ne posted 8/28/2013 13:20 PM

My WW started to post on here but started to become very defensive of the advice of her peers. The thread and tone of the Wayward Spouses forum is much different than JFO. After gauging our reaction to the site, our MC suggested that she stay away from posting on SI.

I think she only brings the site now so she can read what I post (hi WW ).

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/28/2013 13:35 PM

I second Steppenwolf.

Stop doing the work. Detach. Heal thyself.

If she wants the M, she'll step up. If she doesn't...you decide what kind of life you want and act accordingly.

BW2639 posted 8/28/2013 13:39 PM

My fWW will not post, nor read for that matter, anything on wayward thread much less general or JFO. She says she knows what a "terrible person she was" ....she doesn't need to read it too. Too painful for her to see I guess.
All I can say is "welcome to my world, it's painful every day "

Rebreather posted 8/28/2013 15:25 PM

I used to drive the bus as well. The one day I handed over the keys. His turn.

Hand over the keys. She'll never start driving it until you get out of the seat.

And if she fails? Stop trying to control the outcome.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/29/2013 01:43 AM

Well, this is a BS but I'd like to share my perspective on this.

I know posting on a forum would not be my H's "thing" either. He is not the type to sit down and a read a book, or read and write much on a discussion forum. I personally think it is wrong and not very realistic to expect someone to embrace a forum like this when it is clearly "not their thing."

The only person we can change is ourselves. When my H asked me for a chance to R, I decided since it was early Dec. I could give him until after the holidays; I expected him to fail but was also curious just to "see what he would do." I gave him no lists, few demands, no suggestions of this site.

He surpassed my expectations by far.

He told me he would do whatever I asked including MC. I tried to set up MC, but it took them two months to get back to us with an appointment date, and by then we were doing so well, I decided it would be a waste of time and money so we didn't do it.

He wore his remorse; it was extreme and obvious and drove him to think of ways on his own to fix this. Though I have never used the word "transparency" with him, it is as if he invented the concept himself. He gives me a little notebook with all his passwords to phone or computer sites. He tells me to check up on him any time, anywhere (and still does this 7 years later). He tells me I may search his car, the garage, wallet, anything I want, any time for the rest of our lives.

He has planned many special things for us with no prompting or hints from me, and it just shows how sorry he is, and how much he loves me. I believe we have to let the WS "drive their own bus" if they really want to R. And if they don't seem to be able to find a way to do that, then we have to decide what is a deal breaker, and consider the possibility of a D.

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