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Why can I not see the bad until....

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SheHatesMe posted 8/27/2013 17:33 PM

My BGF just hung up as she was getting angry discussing my slow process of finally realizing that my AP was lying, scheming, cheating, horrible person that she was. Why did I not see this for my self? Why did I have to have it pointed out to me?

I referred to my awakening as almost like tearing apart a paper mache statue. My eyes were opened slightly each time my BGF were to explain to me the many ways the AP was a horrible person and a horrible mother with absolutely no respect for others. I didn't see the signs for myself until the were pointed out. I see so clearly now the person the AP is now that my fog has lifted but my BGF asks why I had to have shit pointed out to me? What's was wrong with me?

authenticnow posted 8/27/2013 18:02 PM

Because when we're in an A, we're only seeing what we want to see. Or, we see it but we don't care or we ignore it because we're getting instant gratification, or what we think we need at the time.

I knew OM was a disgusting human being, I didn't care.

At the time I was feeling so crappy about myself, I was digging myself deeper and deeper into the mess with my blinders on. There is no logical thinking when in an A.

SheHatesMe posted 8/27/2013 19:07 PM

Authenticnow - Thank you for the response. Your answers are very similar to the answers I have relayed to my BGF. We've even seen the various articles on the Affair Fog. My BGF is finding it hard to understand maybe because it not rational thinking and one cannot relate unless they've experienced it. Did you BS have difficulty understanding this and if so how did you help in their understanding or acceptance of this "fact"?

1DumbHusband posted 8/27/2013 21:40 PM

I have the same problem...not realizing the horrible shit I've done/am doing until my wife has had to point it out to me. It's definitely something I'm working on...being more proactive so she doesn't have to point stuff out to me. For me, I've been a terrible husband who thought of himself first and his family second. I'm working to change that and it's going well I think. Trying to make life long changes/commitments is hard, but you have to find the motivation within you to start thinking differently. For me, it's thinking about my family first and how everything I do affects them. Then maybe you'll start thinking about stuff before it happens. Best of luck to you!

authenticnow posted 8/28/2013 05:30 AM

He did have trouble understanding it. He had to process a lot of the 'information' for a long time to get to the point of acceptance. You don't have to understand it to accept it and he did eventually realize that.

What helped (for lack of a better word) him is that we are madhatters, and he was the WH many years ago. I think that because he had been there in his head at one point, he understood the insanity. I often joked to myself that I was grateful that he had cheated on me because that helped him get to a place of understanding my despicable behavior.

In your situation that's not the case so...what you can do is keep being consistent in your actions, be 100% honest at all times with everything, and be patient. Commit to being the person you want to be and know you can be and act accordingly. It is a long process but definitely possible to get to a better place.

Good luck.

SheHatesMe posted 8/28/2013 09:15 AM

Great advice. Thank you very much.

I have been reading about how to better my self-esteem and self-worth on my own rather than relying on others to give me the false sense of self. Dr. Phil has been great. haha. Also begain reading about how to better create personal and emotional boundaries allowing only the good in and keep the bad out. My BGF found a great post about acceptance. Not necessarily accepting the act in itself, but the fact that she can not change what's been done. I work everyday to stay consistent. Thank you very much once again. I'm glad we found this site. I find it's benefits are great even in such a short time.

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