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cantaccept posted 8/27/2013 18:58 PM

H and I were talking about porn. It was an issue in our marriage. He replaced me with it.

When he came back I saw he was looking again and became upset, he promised no more.

I believed him.

Now tonight I found out he was using it again, a few months ago but it just blind sided me.

I never even checked just believed him.

Now he is mad at me because I am upset. He says I should thank him for not looking for a couple of months. That I should look at it as an addiction and should help him.

It just hurts that after he promised I found out that he was doing it. Even when he knew how much it hurts.

And then tonight instead of understanding how it hurts me, he turns it on me.

It's all about your pain everything is about your pain. I didn't do this to you, I did it to myself.

I told him it feels like a betrayal of trust.

He then brought up an issue from 7 years ago, you aren't perfect.

I hate this.

I feel so alone and I feel crazy and I feel like I am over reacting.

rachelc posted 8/27/2013 19:06 PM

((cantaccept))

read the first post in this thread from today:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=506200

cantaccept posted 8/27/2013 19:17 PM

He says if you don't want ther truth don't ask, next time I will lie.

WTF!

I asked didn't you think about how I would feel when you did this?

He replied,condescendingly, ok now I have to go back figure out what I was thinking

I just walked away.

when he is like this I loose all hope.

He doesn't get it.

I tried to explain the struggle everyday of not thinking of him with her, how awful it makes me feel and then to add the porn just brings up all the emotions I fight.

Ashland13 posted 8/27/2013 19:50 PM

I'm sorry.

Nearly ExH got like this and it got to a point where I just couldn't do it anymore.

It's all about him.

He, too, brought up age-old issues and tried to rearrange things when the finger was pointed at him.

What it meant here was/is that the A is still happening and that's all he cares about.

It's taught me a lot, but mostly NC and how valuable that is. It's to the point where the tables are turning a little and he knows little to nothing about me now...and I like it that way.

I hope you will get to that point in your journey and I don't think you are over reacting, just reacting to some of life's most shocking things we have to process.

I think that unless it happens to a person, it is not easy to imagine or empathize.

cantaccept posted 8/28/2013 07:35 AM

The inconsistency of his responses is making me crazy. I know I need to be able to trust him with my emotions pain but when he throws it back in my face it hurts more than if I never shared it.

I guesss this is the test, can he do what is necessary.

This morning was not much better. He did apologize but then added in the buts and conditions.

He refuses to discuss this in MC. Says it is only for us to discuss. I feel that no subject should be off limits in MC.

He still does not understand how his turning to porn hurts me now.

He still this morning said that it has nothing to do with me. Yes, but your actions affect me, we are married.

He again stated that I should be grateful for the gift of truth. I would rather be grateful for the gift of honoring his promises.

Is there a return policy?

I hate this. I hate that I feel so emotional. I hate that his actions and words can hurt me.

Now I feel like I need to learn how to track history on the computer, the laptop and the pc.

He said this morning that he wishes that he didn't tell me.

I was thinking afterward, this is him trying to control the outcome. If he has expectations about my response to information, doesn't like my response, will that change his future honesty?

I deserve the truth even if it hurts. He makes the decision as to his actions, I get to choose how I feel about them.

His actions show me how he really feels.

I cannot believe I was so blindly trusting of his words. It makes me feel like a fool, but it was a wake up.

letitout posted 8/28/2013 08:11 AM

You know, you just responded to my post on this subject of mine and I could have written the exact same thing as yours.

The porn makes me feel awful. It helped lead to the prostitutes and gives him a high to help with his depression. For him it is an addiction. He has done this his whole life.

I tell him that I am 55 and that makes me feel low self esteem because the prostitutes were 20 and as you know the porn "stars" start at age 18. I have a daughter age 17. It disgusts me. It puts him into a fantasy that I can never aspire to. I'm afraid that he will act out again although he says he won't and on this point in time I do believe him. But the porn is just plain demeaning to me.

My MC says that with all addictions it will take time and expect relapses. I have a real hard time with that one. I don't want relapses, or if they do happen I want to know about it and not have him sneak around and lie to me.

He is real good at hiding his porn. He knows how to erase all browser history so I will never find our no matter how much I check. I only found out because I came down at one in the morning and found him on it because he didn't hear me come down. Who knows how much porn he has watched since we made the agreement not to watch it.

I truly hate porn. I ask WH if he would go to a psychiatrist to get help, put on antidepressants or something to help him cope. He said he will, but has not yet. MC said he could do a number of things to help him cope, but he has to be the one to be ready for this. No body can help him with this .

I don't understand how he could just ignore my feelings and view porn. It must be a very hard addiction to break.

I don't know how much more I can take.

confused615 posted 8/28/2013 08:49 AM

For me..it's not necessarily the porn that is the problem(although I hate it,don't get me wrong). It's the lying about it...the hiding it..the secrecy...hmmm..all wayward behavior..all behavior exhibited during an affair.

WH used to hide his porn from me..which made no sense..because we watched plenty of it together. He would always get made.."It has nothing to do with you" I was told.

After dday,he admitted porn was/is a problem for him. That it wasn't the just the porn..but the hidden porn..because he got off on the secrecy of it..the taboo of it..he got off on hiding things from me.

So..no more porn.

He has slipped twice in the last 3 years...that I know of. One time it wasn't actually porn..but he had purposely enlarged a pic of some scantily clad girl spreading her legs on a Harley...I found it in the history. When I asked him why he felt the need to enlarge the pic(it was plenty big already),he told me he "had to" because "my own wife won't let me see her naked."

So..it's MY fault...that I know you have a thing for younger women(20-22/average age)..women who have tiny,perfect little bodies..that you tried to meet 3 of these young girls on CL 3 years ago before dday..and because of all of this I feel insecure about myself..and am uncomfortable walking around naked in front of you?

Um..ok.

He forgets that before dday,when the kids were gone,we would have "naked days." Where we spent the entire day naked. I was VERY comfortable in front of him.

Now..because of his actions? Not so much.

Besides..he still sees me naked..he was just reaching for a way to blameshift.

The second slip was when I found a cell phone hidden in his truck..completely by accident. I searched that phone thoroughly and am 99% sure that his story was true..the contacts,pics,history,etc all indicated he was telling me the truth...he STOLE that cell out of the bathroom at work..someone had forgotten it there.(He returned the phone..I have verified this with a friend who works where he does..he claimed he found it in the parking lot..a lie,yes,but we depend on his income so...).

After that incident he admitted he was addicted to porn..he took a recommended test online to see if he is a SA..and he scored high.

He went to IC..twice. They didn't discuss his issues..they discussed what he could do to get me to just get over it. So he stopped going..why waste money?

He will slip again. I know it. Why wouldn't he? He's an addict who is white knuckling it.

Porn can be very destructive. It was the slippery slope that led my WH down the path to Craigslist. I will never again tolerate porn in my marriage.

cantaccept,he's full of shit. You should thank him for doing something he knew would hurt you? Um..what? You should thank him for breaking a promise?

And..again..he brings up what you did 7 years ago. You were broke up. Yes..you lied. Yes...it was wrong..yes he has a right to be hurt. But he does not have the right to use what you did to excuse his bad behavior.

(((((cantaccept)))))

islesguy posted 8/28/2013 10:47 AM

Speaking from a thick headed waywards point of view. He either doesn't care about your feelings about porn or more likely doesn't respect them because he disagrees with the impact that porn could have on your relationship and has never really listened to you.

My wife had told me that she didn't like strip clubs or strippers to be part of our relationship, yet when the time came and my coworkers were going, I went right along and even had lap dances. This was because I didn't agree with her feelings at the time. I saw strip clubs as no big deal. Then even after she found out I had been to a few and again made her feeling known, I still went back because I still didn't respect her feelings.

It wasn't until a really listened to her and understood that it doesn't matter how I feel about anything it only matters how she feels about it. If it is something that bothers her I need to respect that no matter how I feel about it personally.

In terms of the strip clubs, I have totally changed my opinion on them as well. I don't feel like they are no big deal anymore but that only came about because of my discussions with her. I would imagine a good open discussion about porn with your husband would help him understand but only if his is willing to not just hear you but listen and understand why it bothers you.

crazyblindsided posted 8/28/2013 12:40 PM

(((cantaccept)))

Sounds like your WH is trying to have a circular argument. Mine likes to do that too. Just end the conversation with him, as he is not getting 'it'