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Contacting the AP's BS

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kg201 posted 8/27/2013 19:29 PM

I have been thinking about contacting my WW's AP's wife. It is someone I have met a couple of times before we knew of the affair and I thought a letter of empathy might be welcomed.

She threw her husband out of the house and told their grown-up kids. This happened the day after my dday, and I am assuming he told her because he figured my wife would now be free from me. Who knows.

Anyway, I am wondering if anyone else has either sent a letter like this, or received one? Was the empathy welcome? Returned? Was it a positive or negative experience?

Thanks in advance for sharing.

nothings special posted 8/27/2013 20:28 PM

I'm sorry you find yourself here. Take good care of yourself no matter what happens.

To answer your question, yes. My fwh ap's husband contacted me. I had no idea my husband was having an affair. The ap's wife in your situation apparently already knows. Reach out to her- who knows what you'll get but it could be a boat load of information. ie, why, how long, etc.

In my case I learned a lot a about details of when, where, how... It was a positive experience for me- tough- but we still talk occasionally. Nothing's going on- just checking in on someone who has gone through the situation and a good sounding board... Strange, I know- but that is what has happened.

Hopefully she will be helpful and informative. I wish you the best.

Hang in there!!

[This message edited by nothings special at 8:32 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Bloomsday posted 8/27/2013 20:38 PM

I wrote a letter to the OM's W to inform her what her H was up to (copies to both her home and work address). I included copies of letters OM had written to my WW. There is something particularly powerful about seeing such material written in your spouse's own handwriting. I never received a reply. The OM did move out of the house shortly thereafter, so I assume that was the result.

I feel somewhat conflicted as this caused the breakup of 2 families. But I think the OM's W deserved to know so that she could make her own choices.

Nicnac posted 8/27/2013 20:44 PM

If you are asking if you should contact your WS's AP's BS to tell them what is going on- YES

If you are asking if your WS's AP's BS would welcome comfort from someone in the same position and very close to her own- YES

I was contacted by my husband's AP's spouse. He told me everything he knew, and I was able to later fill in some blanks for him. He has checked up on me since then, and I have checked up on him. You two are already intimately connected. There is a bond between the betrayed spouses. I think the BS would welcome a letter, text, email or even phone call. I know I did.

TxsT posted 8/28/2013 01:24 AM


I personally phone my WH AP's spouse. I felt he had a right o know what had been going on in his life for the last 4 -5 years. I didn't know him directly but had access to his umber. That was one hard phone call I can assure you! He was so appreciative that I called to let him in on his wife's little secret.

The contact benefited both of us. That poor man needed to be able to make his own decisions and I wanted to make sure the A stopped once and for all. I had in writing 3 different letters from my spouse to her saying he was leaving her to come back to his family. I guess he never quite got to making sure that stuck because I found out on my own, thanks to our new IPad.

We have a strange sort of friendship, he and I. We are bound forever together by what our spouses did. He and I pieced together as much as we could. Most of the details came from my hubby, his wife still refuses to talk about it with him. We have also agreed to tell each other if our marriage falls apart. That way we can have a heads up if we think the AP will just show up unexpectedly. The OM also warned me of an impending visit from the AP.....something I will be forever great full for.

I agree like everyone else that you should contact this person. There is nothing but positive in such a step.


3Xthefool posted 8/28/2013 19:21 PM

If the AP's BS already knows about the affair, i'm not sure contacting her will do much except to provide comfort in knowing that she is not alone.

I was the recipient of a phone call from the OBS on DDay#1. Looking back, I have deep regrets in not reciprocating when I encountered DDay#2 or DDay#3 which was the same OM. At the time I was so devastated by my discovery that I couldn't think straight. And by the time I was thinking clearly, I assumed it was too late.

One thing is for sure, if there is a DDay#4, I will definitely contact OBS to let her know. Mainly because DDay#4 will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Once I file for divorce at that time, WW will be available to him 24/7 and I would want her to know.

njgal480 posted 8/28/2013 19:32 PM

I contacted the BH immediately after d-day.
I called his house and he answered the phone.

Ironically, he already knew about the LTA but had not contacted me and had not confronted his wife or my FWH.

This was not his wife's first LTA so he was basically done with the marriage and biding his time until he was ready to divorce.

But, even with all of this it was extremely helpful for me to speak with him. He gave me a lot of details about the MOW as well as email evidence.

I was one of those that needed to know everything.
So the information that the BH gave me was helpful.

We spoke on the phone a few times and even met up once in person to exchange hard copies of emails that he had found years earlier.

I ended up reconciling with my FWH but he ended up divorcing the MOW.
He called me one last time a year or so after d-day to give me a heads up that their divorce was final.

That was helpful too because I was vigilant for any kind of contact from the OW ...just in case....

(she never did contact my FWH again)

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