I am sorry that you are here. Nothing is more crushing than our spouse betraying us in the worst possible way.
Much more information is going to trickle out of your wife, but know this for certain: SHE CHEATED ON YOU. PERIOD.
I say this because of what you wrote:
I think just meeting in person with someone you are having sexual chats with is cheating. I hate to think about this, but even giving oral sex to a guy before she comes home is cheating. Even kissing and letting a guy touch on her is cheating.
Just the fact that your WW was giving her time and energy to other men is cheating. She introduced other men into your exclusive marriage.
To answer the question if your WW had sex, sadly, the odds are not only more than likely, but are almost certain that she did. AFF was my WW's site of choice, and people don't join there just to meet online friends. Add to the fact that you know that she was fishing(giving out her number and address, giving times to meet up), and all the indicators point to a physical affair. I know that this will take time to settle in, but it is far better to be in the hurtful truth than in an oblivious denial. Your world has just been rocked to its very core, and there is still a shitstorm ahead until you reach ground zero.
I am not trying to make you feel worse, friend, just trying to get you on the right path as soon as possible.
Don't do anything rash at the moment. Take time to read in The Healing Library in the yellow box in the top left corner. Post here. Reply to their responses. You will learn more here than you ever wish that you had to, but it is invaluable in how you should move forward.
You will get through this, no matter how deep the betrayal is....it will just take time and understanding on how to climb out of this mess.
Again, sorry that you are here.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
You have been traumatized by your wife's choice. This is a time to take care of yourself. Make sure to eat, drink, rest, and set up some individual counseling for yourself. There is a wealth of information in the Healing Library linked in the upper left corner. Unfortunately you have a long road ahead.
I assure you, it IS a big deal. It is horrific. This part hurts - there are virtually always lies in the beginning. Be prepared for more to come out, but you will have to push her hard to get it. Proof is often the only way to get a confession of anything.
All the best to you. Good luck.
Look at the upper left corner, in the yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read anything in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. Knowledge is power start getting educated on what this road is likely to look like. Given your circumstances, I would also call a lawyer tomorrow and find out what your legal rights are. Right now, the person who looks like your wife isn't. It's a pod-person wearing her skin. That person is living in lala land and does not have your best interests in her heart. Obviously, since she left you to languish in a hospital while she played "Who can text the nastiest thing" with her new poppet.
This is all brutal. Believe me, we all know that. But she has taken you here and you need to figure out how to survive. Start reading. Stay hydrated (no booze), eat what you can, and rest when you can. Come back often for support and to vent. We are all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm sorry for your pain and your disability and seizure disorder. (((Hugs)))
[This message edited by Landoes at 12:41 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
Like you, some of my WW's As was on the Internet. She would have Skype masturbation sessions with any willing person. From the sounds of it, your WW took it to the next level and started turning it into real sex. Yes, she cheated and most likely has yet to tell you the complete story. Patience and Strength to you! The story will come out or you will need to move on.
11:00am - My wife just sent me a text asking if I have made any plans for us this weekend. I replied why because my first thought was she wanted to have a "girls night out" or something like that. I got defensive and was going to say no you cant go out. She called and wanted to make plans for us to go to New Orleans for this weekend (road trip), we live in Houston. I said yes and started crying. She asked me what was wrong I told I wanted both of us to get away, like she was reading my mind. These were things that we used to do when we first got married, spur of the moment ideas. Now that I think about, she may be doing these things because guilt is sinking in on her. Im trying so hard to hold my ground and remember what she did to me. Being a BH really sucks ass!!! I know its going to take months/even years. Hopefully our MC can figure out and make us realize where things went wrong. Im not seeking the big D, Im willing to do what it takes. I hope she feels the same and does not feel tempted to go back to online chatting. She feels online chatting was not cheating, everytime I still ask her she replies "no" she never has cheated.
[This message edited by dedicated2love at 3:55 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
She feels online chatting was not cheating, everytime I still ask her she replies "no" she never has cheated.
Bottom line is until she can acknowledge it was a betrayal then you are not in R and you have an unremorseful WW.
A few people have already said this, but I think you're still in a little denial, despite your wife saying she wanted to go on a roadtrip to New Orleans.
She definitely wants sex, AFF is all about people looking to have sex, not relationships.
1. Get tested for STDs.
2. She needs to get tested for STDs and you need prove of her results - get the written results.
3. Do not have sex with her until you get the STD results. I know this could be very tough and clearly she is wanting sex from someone, but your health and potentially your life is at risk. At the very least, use a condom.
4. You should demand full transparency and disclosure. Look at ALL of her email accounts, social media accounts and accounts with sites like AFF. Also, look at her cell phone and examine cell phone records. Install a key logger app onto her phone and shared computer/devices so you can see what she is doing.
I don't think she's being honest with you and you need that right now. You can't pretend that just because she wants to go out with you somewhere that she isn't still seeking sexual gratification elsewhere.
In regards to "wondering if she cheated on me." If she was hiding it from you and was afraid to do it in front of you, that's cheating. My wife did the same to me. Stick to your guns.
I'd be afraid of things moving to quickly towards business as usual. There are allot of things for you to work through and think about. You need time to process and your WW needs to do a whole laundry list of things before you just close the door on this and move forward.
If she's trying too hard to just get back to the loving relationship you had before she cheated, she may be trying rug sweep.
From your first post, I have hard time believing nothing really happened. I'm sorry but her explanation just doesn't ring true.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
One thing I can say is that AFF CAN BECOME ADDICTING. I deleted my profile and account thinking that was it. Of course it wasnt. I created another one started sexual chatting with other women.
And this was when you were single. So you know what this site is like. Anyone in a committed relationship, ANYONE, with the exception of consenting partners, has no business on a site like this. And just for the record, I think sites like this should burn to the fucking ground....but that is just me. Regardless, how can you even consider that this is not cheating?
Answer: it is cheating. I know it, you know it, and she sure as hell knows it. And this elephant in the room is not going to go away unless it is addressed. And I am just talking about what you know, not the probability that it is much, much worse.
Brandon808 hit it on the head that until she recognizes her wrongdoings, and works to repair it, you are not in R nor is she remorseful. And as much as you want this all to just go away, it won't. You are setting yourself up for much more pain if you don't get to the bottom of this.
Right now, shortly after discovery, is when the betrayed often make their worst mistakes. What we are trying to do is help you avoid many of these pitfalls, although your heart is telling you otherwise. If you are afraid that questioning her will drive her back to AFF, then you have no chance. There is no "driving her away" if you are getting to the truth.
Don't accept what she is currently giving you. You deserve better.