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Not a new thought, wish I had an answer

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Lionne posted 8/27/2013 19:52 PM

My SAfWH tells me that all the time he was cheating on me he "never stopped loving me." Many of us have heard something similar. Or, we discover hints of an affair, the cheaters deny, go further underground, maybe one affair will end, another begin, and still the WS stays in the marriage claiming to love the BS.
Why? I mean, I know all the words about "broken" people who cheat, but crap, why do they bother to stay in a relationship where they are abusing someone with lies and deception, and often, with verbal, and emotional abuse as their guilty conscience drives them to beat up the person they are betraying? Why don't they simply leave the relationship, go off to pursue their wonderful hobby lovers, their screw-of-the-day and leave the BS to find someone who would respect them....
Question of the century.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:53 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Ashland13 posted 8/27/2013 20:03 PM

Nearly ExH did this, too.

Told me he cried for me when he went to sleep at night, yet home was sitting here waiting for him all along.

(It's not anymore).

There's a viewpoint on this topic that I've heard, where a marriage is a situation that is reliable and comfortable for a person and if they are not solidified with AP or OP, sometimes they try to leave a door open to the M.

Another viewpoint is that a person may not mind being married and cheating ...cake eating.

There are some more ideas but these are common answers I've been given to similar questions.

I asked Nearly ExH this and he claimed to be preparing an answer, but I chickened out.

I asked him, "why couldn't our M end with dignity? why not just end it with me and let DD and I go on in the world with dignity and respect for ourselves?" In my heart I know the answer and wasn't strong enough to hear what he would dream up.

Sometimes I think they hang on because of personality disfunctions, too.

boontje posted 8/27/2013 20:07 PM

I've asked my H the same question. No answer. I'm beginning to think they are just as addicted to the comforts and security of marriage as they are to their AP or whoever the deal of the day is.

Lionne posted 8/27/2013 20:11 PM

Oh, yeah, personality disorder, addiction, selfishness, cake eating, blah, blah. None of it adds up to love for the faithful spouse. And I, too, would have willingly ended a sham marriage without a fuss, with dignity. Just give me a fighting chance to have a real life, with a real person who might really love me, before I was old and damaged beyond recognition. Fat chance.

Housefulloflove posted 8/27/2013 20:26 PM

There's a viewpoint on this topic that I've heard, where a marriage is a situation that is reliable and comfortable for a person and if they are not solidified with AP or OP, sometimes they try to leave a door open to the M.

I think this is often the case. This was a big factor in my situtation. Even though Ex pretended his relationship with OW was something serious, he knew that she wasn't nearly as emotionally involved in the affair as he would have liked. My ex is likely NPD so it wasn't about love despite his claims. He needed OW hooked and ready to take my place before he was willing to toss our relationship completely aside like garbage.

I ruined that plan by 1. finding out about her and 2. kicking his butt out before he had someone else feed on.OW left pretty much the moment the "prize" was all hers and since then Ex has been desperately looking for another replacement.

Like most waywards, a dignified ending for their current relationship is not a concern. They just want to get whatever they are seeking.

ItsaClimb posted 8/28/2013 02:04 AM

I totally believe the saying: "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference" And let's be honest, my WH was completely indifferent to me at the time of the A. He did not love me while he was having the A. He acknowledges that.

So I have also asked myself why he stayed with me? Why he didn't just up and go and live with OW?

I have thought about it a lot, discussed it with fWH a lot and this is what I think - it's a complex, multi-layered thing. Parts of him wanted to go, parts of him wanted to stay and many factors played into it. Ultimately, I think fWH did (and still does) feel connected to me on a far deeper level than his connection to OW ever was. fWH and I share a long and intense history. Our children tie us together on a deep level. fWH can be his real innermost self with me, warts and all, with OW he was a "fake person" - their time together was not real, it was all glitter-shitting unicorns. OW was never his soul-mate, I am.

TxsT posted 8/28/2013 02:12 AM

Its.....well said and I feel the same way. The only difference is my husbands AP couldn't say love to him, couldn't acknowledge his feelings.....sometimes that hurts me she would treat him with such little respect.


avicarswife posted 8/28/2013 02:28 AM

Wish I had the answer. WH says the same - he never stopped loving me. Now I wonder at the calibre of the love he is capable of having. It seems to have had little substance to it.

I get a bit sick of the "broken" stuff. I haven't cheated but have as many or more reasons to be "broken" than him!

I don't think he was "broken" - more like selfish, indulged, he believed he could do what he liked and he'd get away with it.

Ostrich80 posted 8/28/2013 02:43 AM

That has been a question I would give anything for an answer to. I havea few theories.
My ws did not love me when he started the A. I saw nothing but hatred in his eyes, yet when I confronted, he cried, begged, swore she meant nothing.
I let him stay. He says he loves me now but he's not in love with me. I think he likes having a home, his kids, . He hates to be alone. Maybe ow doesnt want him full time. I think he could cake eat forever if I let him. I've finally given up because its not fair to

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