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How could she? I gave her everything!

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whoismywife posted 8/28/2013 03:28 AM

4am, can't sleep thinking of how stupid I was. I paid off her debt, let her live with me, paid for everything, agreed to get married, agreed to have a kid, bought the nice house with all the nice furniture, bought the new car, then lost my job, financial stress, not allowed to down size, clawed my way back up the salary ladder but not before she fucked someone else. I hate my life.

SecondHelping posted 8/28/2013 06:27 AM

I'm not in a good enough place to give you any advice, but I wanted to send you some strength, friend.

ohiocarrie535 posted 8/28/2013 07:08 AM

Your post jumped out at me. I've had so many nights when I've laid in bed looking at him sleeping peacefully and wondered the same thing. How much remorse and transparency are you getting from her? Any MC or IC? If you can not get these feelings of anger and betral voiced they will only grow over time. Keep us updated!

whoismywife posted 8/28/2013 07:50 AM

It's been a year... I got lots of transparency at first and a bit of remorse. Now I get very little of both. I don't even bother talking about affair/relationship stuff because it never goes well. I wish I could get the remorse especially but I think she is under the impression that what she did wasn't that bad or that because I was so unhappy and critical that she was somehow justified. She will deny that, but that's how it comes across.

kg201 posted 8/28/2013 08:57 AM


Your username sums it up. I'm there with you. It's like the person I thought I knew is no longer there.

Today is one of my better days in the 4 weeks since dday. I was at a support group last night. Had a good talk with my 15 year old last night where I explained my side of our story (my WW did so the previous night) and I don't need to lie that our separation is a joint decision. I also emailed the AP's wife last night to empathize and received an equally supportive letter from her this morning.

So my message here is that I am finding the little supportive things helpful as I try to distance myself from my feelings for my WW. What are you using as support beyond this website?

whoismywife posted 8/28/2013 09:16 AM

15 years old huh? That's a lot to take in. Poor kid. Although when I was that age I would have wanted to know what was going on - no lies.

What am I doing to cope? Like you I have a support group through BAN. I have a couple buddies I can talk to. Not to mention drugs, alcohol and women... fml.

AStar posted 8/28/2013 09:28 AM

I so understand the anger and frustration. I too hate what my WH did to our life together. Blew it up!! Why and for what?!
Sucks so bad to have to be married to your traitor...
My question to you relates to your signature- you say your R is not going well. What is your wife doing to help herself and you? Is she committed to R? Are you annoyed at what she did (her A) or lack of commitment to you and your M during R?

Itsgoingtobeok posted 8/28/2013 09:38 AM

I feel your pain my friend . Imo - only you can get stop the pain . My ww has been remorsful she has followed my boundaries but the deep pain was allway's there until I did something about it . What I'm doing is taking care of myself. I eat right , exercise , take up old and new hobbies, see old and new friends. My pain is a lot better .

whoismywife posted 8/28/2013 09:40 AM

I'm incredibly annoyed at what she did. It's the worst thing I could have imagined. I guess there are worse things but those are unimaginable.

She seems perfectly content that we are back to life as usual and especially that I'm trying so hard not to be critical and angry all the time. I've made major changes to the way I treat her. I needed to make those changes but she didn't have to alert me to it by screwing someone. It kills me that my life has turned out this way. And I don't trust her. She could easily be cheating on me still. I would have no idea. And why wouldn't she? She's suffered no consequences. She was prepared to have me leave her before so she could still be eating her cake just waiting for me to find out again... only this time she'll be smarter about it. Cover her tracks better so that she keeps me paying her bills while she fucks the stud from the office.

AStar posted 8/30/2013 03:36 AM

You can not R if there is no openness and trust. Your W also needs to put in some effort to address your issues. You may need IC for your anger and distrust.
Sorry to say this, but I don't see your M working out if you can not be open and trusting with each other. Fact is you want your wife punished. For? The A? What consequences did she endure? Did she cut contact with OM?
She needs to be open with you. Allow you access to phone, text, email...
Whoismywife, you are in a terrible situation and it is no wonder R is not going well. Do you actually want to save your M? Or is it that the way you feel makes it beyond repair? Your current course of R - by what you state is going to end in D unless radical changes are made by both of you.
Wishing you strength. It's hard, I know.

[This message edited by AStar at 3:38 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 06:04 AM

IC was a big thing for me...still is, though its been a month since I talked with a counselor...but it was big for my journey to do this.

I see you did a lot to take care of your wife....I did to. To be honest though, what I did was a lot for me too. Dave Ramsey fan I did the debt thing for me as much as her.

During my rage phase I would not have admitted that previous paragraph to anyone.

Rage is a part of this process....but it is critical for you to find your way through this....regardless of the state of your marriage. It will not serve you well and will negatively impact all aspects of your life.

I bet you work with a person who came through a divorce and is now angry at the world and bitter. I would venture to say you were not like that before adultery entered your you can get back to a healthy spot.

It really sucks. My wife is not the text book remorseful wife either. I believe it would help me heal faster if she were, but I have learned I have the power to heal myself, which is what I am spending energy on. In the long run it will take both of us to R our marriage.

The reality is our wives have shown a lack of ability and drive to work on our marriage via the choice of adultery. They have stepped out on our marriage we have to calm down and get in a stable spot from which to discern if this is a deal breaker for us or not.

I am almost a year into this so I am not an expert.

What I can state is that where I am at now is much better then where I was on DD, at 3 months out, 6 months I continue to see improvements within myself.

When you find yourself in a more peaceful spot ask yourself this one question....What did I, whoismywife, get out of my efforts that I stated at the beginning of this post? Did I want kids, to be out of debt, to live in the house I live in?

Then think on that answer. It may help to clarify what is truth and what is being used as justification for your anger.

Believe me, the bible speaks of a time for righteous anger....and it dang sure is upon finding out your wife is fucking another man. So don't think for a minute I am dismissing your feelings or coming close to saying they are wrong.

I have read over 20 books on infidelity...This is among the most traumatic experience a person can be exposed to. And it was thrust upon us by the person we love the most. It hurts like hell.

God be with us all.

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 06:19 AM

I'm incredibly annoyed at what she did. It's the worst thing I could have imagined. I guess there are worse things but those are unimaginable.

As mentioned before I am an avid reader on infidelity and adultery now.

As such I have read case studies that speak to the pain and trauma we go through as BS is greater than; being contained in a concentration camp, fighting cancer, losing a child, rape, being molested as a child, death of a parent. This is not blakesteele dramatizing our situation...this is actual case studies and interviews with people who have experienced adultery in their marriage.

There is much suffering in the world....kind of sick to find comfort in that which I have read. None of those painful life experiences are pleasant.

I think one of the reasons adultery is so traumatic is that it was a result of an active choice of someone we love....and that many times it is someone we want to continue to love and interact with.

Unfortunately, this experience has pointed out what you are learning....that some WS just simply cant see their actions for the trauma that it is....not sure why. Maybe their such strong avoiders that they don't choose to face it, maybe some are so detached from their own feelings that they cant connect enough with someone to be open to being hurt like this,....I really don't have an answer.

I suspect you are like I am whoismywife.....if our roles were reversed I would be incredibly remorseful and actively seeking to repair the damage.

But I don't know that for sure either. I have done many things along this journey that I never thought I was possible of....such as rage at a level that scared ME, still married after adultery, still functioning at work at a high enough level to keep my job....

Anyway....this is serious trauma. It is helping me to read books, IC, and post on here. It is normalizing my experience...not minimizing it.

Just be cautious about saying things like...It could be worse, I could be fighting cancer...or....It could be worse, I could have lost my child. To me that minimizes our experience and is not healthy in the long run.

I believe when my counselor advises me to lean into a means just that. When you feel the pressure of a feeling you let it build further then you like. I you don't you will minimize it and it will come back.

God be with us all.

whoismywife posted 8/30/2013 07:56 AM

blakesteele, I think you may be right. I probably am like you. I'm also just about a year out and our wives seem to have similarities but especially all of this:

such as rage at a level that scared ME, still married after adultery, still functioning at work at a high enough level to keep my job....

The part about the job is especially true... "a high enough level". I'm so not as productive as I once was. I'm just disinterested in most things and it's so hard to stay focused on work.

I would like to read more books too but more so, I would like my wife to read more books. She thinks that every book I suggest to her is going to be one sided and is part of my agenda to make her feel guilty and when I mention scientific research as the basis for my opinion she discounts it because it's just some book.

Anyway, blakesteele, thank you for taking the time to send such a long reply. It was nice to read. Too bad you're not from Ontario. It would be great to meet for a coffee and compare notes.

By the way, I read your profile. So so similar to my situation. My wife has never admitted to contacting him again but I don't know for sure that she hasn't. Also, I've never contacted the guy although I have his email address and phone number. I've just heard that it's a bad idea. An apology would be appreciated but he might be a total dick and blame her affair on me not keeping her happy which would make me want to kill him. I'm still considering confronting the asshole... Idk.

I'd better get back to work. Don't want to get fired.

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 09:15 AM

Glad to be of some comfort to you.

With regards to work...I am a classic over achiever...and that, as it turns out, is not really I dont say that with any sort of pride. I believe I am an over achiever in part due to my FOO issues...thinking that if I achieve more then the average I have a cushion between me and the "threshold" of getting "rejected"....fear of abandonment is partly to blame for my over achieving attitude.

The plus side of this is that as I modify this part of me I am still quite functional at my job. And while we are in the first year of this crap...functional is an admirable accomplishment.

My work HAS noticed a change in me...but not that I am not productive...just that I sit on my hands more now at staff meetings....dont volunteer as eagerly to help others get their projects up to where they need to be.

This ties into another part of me that I am working on...priorities. Before the A my priority list was my family, my job, my wife, God, other stuff. Now it is God, my wife, my family, my job and other stuff are all in the same category.

My wife was third. I am no where close to taking credit for my wifes decision to have an affair. What I am admitting to is that both my wife and I took our relationship for granted...thinking "we got this" (meaning our marriage), and so it was easy to bump it down as other things came up. This is detrimental to a marriage. This is one of the many reasons my wife was able to have an affair...she was not really aware that she was in danger of having an affair...because, afterall, "We got this". Truthfully, pre-A if my wife (who is a runner) told me she found a running partner and it was a man I would have been totally fine with that. Yep, that is where we were at very blind to the dangers to marriages that lurk out there.

I pray you can get past your desire to have your wife do x, y, or z. It was a battle for me. And THAT issue within me was "pride" and "selfishness". Pride in that I thought I knew better then my wife...had more answers to this mess then she did. Selfishness in that I wanted my wife to take care of me, fix the damage she did to our marriage NOW. Both of those were wrong motivations and were not productive.

I still think she has a role to repair the damage...but no longer have the expectation that she can or is willing to do that. I pray her heart changes and she decides to do this repair on her own. I also pray that I recognize the time when she has done what she is capable is at that time that I will decide if my marriage can withstand the abuse that is adultery.

To be sure...I have had moments where I thought that time had arrived. But I took a moment and prayed on it. Each time it has proven to be a false time for that decision.

It is kind of you to want to have coffee with me...but think you give me too much credit for wisdom that I dont really possess much of this is brand new to me.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:21 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 09:29 AM

If I may ask a personal question.....

Have you experienced a new awareness to YOUR opportunities to have an affair?

Since my wifes A I have noticed flirtatious waitress's, school teachers, women at conferences, etc..

I dont know if this new awareness is because I am privy to statistics (some say has high as 80% of all marriages have infidelity as part of them), the many members on here, the number of books I have read that speak to this topic or what....but there are really temptations every day to do what our wives have done.

From time to time I let facial hair grow...sometimes a beard, sometimes a gotee. Pre-A I would have women rub it and comment on it....didnt think twice about it. Since the A it has happened...and I feel quite differently about it. Some ways it feels exciting and comforting, in some ways it feels as if I need to run away. The point is my feelings regarding this, and other "innocent interactions" with women, have dramatically changed.

If you have not been through this phase I think it is highly likely that it will be a part of your future. Be prepared.

Don't let your wifes adultery be a "excuse" for you to do the same thing. Work on your marriage first, if that ends in D, then engage other women.

Right now, just like you can't take credit for your wife's infidelity...she can't take credit for your fidelity. If you give into the above temptation she can and will take credit for causing you to stumble into the pit.

Trust me, as I watch my wife....nothing was gained by her trip to the pit...and much was lost.

Peace be with you my friend.

TxsT posted 8/30/2013 09:29 AM

I think one of the reasons adultery is so traumatic is that it was a result of an active choice of someone we love....and that many times it is someone we want to continue to love and interact with.

Blake....your reading and understanding on this subject amazes me. What saddens me by this is that you yourself struggle so much with your new reality.

The above statement says it all for me and I have actually said this many times to my RWS. It was his choices that hurt me the most.knowing he has free to chose one path or another makes his choice so deeply heartfelt to me especially when I myself was tested in the same manner he was and I chose to back away. Does this make me better then him? No, it just makes me more committed to us then he was.

My biggest struggle is to overcome the knowledge that he didn't believe in our marriage as much as I did. Love was never part of this equation at all. He loved me even when making this life altering decision. He put me and the family first before the AP always. But to know he could walk away from what we built, that is what is sooooooo wrong to me. If he felt that way he should have shown me mercy.....he should have cut me loose at the beginning of his 4 and 1/2 year odyssey into the black abyss. Why did he have to drag me along on his journey through hell and back???? I would have respected him if he would have stood up and said all those years ago....hey our marriage isn't working anymore. I found someone new. I would have them at least had the opportunity to change things I was doing/not doing. I could have been left with some dignity. Instead in my eyes he was selfish twice......

Thank you for posting Blake. I enjoy reading what you have to say and what you have learned.


TxsT posted 8/30/2013 09:35 AM


Both I and my WS have eyes wide open now to just exactly how much flirtatiousness there is in the world. He never saw it before.....I have always seen it. That's why I would never leave him alone at parties even when I was exhausted and needed sleep. It was always the OTHER person I was worried about. I trusted my husband because he is my soul mate but I have never trusted the other temptations that arise EVERY DAY. His world has been forever changed in this manner. No longer is life so simple for him. It scares the hell out of him!


blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 12:19 PM

(TxsT). Thank you for your concern and comforts me.

To be sure, I traditionally have to really jump in and swim into a new experience before I fully embrace the wisdom that that experience affords me.

God be with us all.

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