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MC says I have to just live with the porn for now

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letitout posted 8/28/2013 04:10 AM

My WH has been into porn his whole adult life and hid it from me. After dday he swore he would never view it again. He has repeatedly broken that promise.

In our 2nd MC today we talked about what we wanted in a marriage. I said my first things was honesty. The second for both of us was being kind to one each other.
My WH felt very strongly about this point.

Well I caught him at porn again and the MC said that we have to just move forward and not back. I said how can I move forward when the first two items on our new M continue to be broken and I am back to square one. He is not honest nor kind to me when he views porn.

She says since porn has been his coping mechanism for so long that it is going to take time to learn new skills and to basically I have to put up with this until he finds those new coping skills. I can not keep him from watching it, because he is very good at hiding it and I just happened to be lucky (if you can call it that) to catch him in the act this last time.

I said then I am done. I will not have 20 yo f***king in my house and he knows this. I almost walked out.

She said not to do anything rash but to wait it out until next meeting because we would be better off working this one out then being on our own at this point in our lives.

How could he do this to me time after time? How could he break our promice to be honest and kind. To know how much this hurts me.

Laura28 posted 8/28/2013 04:32 AM

Hi letitout

I wish I had an answer for you. The easy one is "Pack his bags". But in the real world I suppose we BSs keep hoping for change.

In your case the betrayal was porn. In my case it was OWs. For others it was EA(s)

All I can say is that for me if he went back to his OWs I would kick him out. That is the betrayal I experienced and I won't tolerate it again.

You have to decide if you can live with your particular kind of betrayal.

If an MC told me that I had to give him time to stop seeing his OWs, I would say very unpleasant things ( with lots of "f" words thrown in) and then sack the MC.

On SI people often say betrayal is betrayal - it takes different forms but in essence is all the same. Most on SI say that if the WS returns to the wayward behaviour that would be a deal breaker.

On dday I told my FWH "Choose me or fuck off. I will never (knowingly) share my husband with another woman". He knew I meant it and I am 99% sure he has been faithful since. He also knows if he strays again (and I catch him) we are done.

You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Not your MC. Not your WH. Not your MC. Not the members of SI and not me.



cantaccept posted 8/28/2013 05:14 AM


I just posted about this last night also.

I go to IC tomorrow, I will give you his perspective.

H also promised me no porn when he moved back in late January.

I was a huge issue in our marriage. He chose porn over me. It was awful.

Last night he told me that he was looking at porn again a couple of months ago, but not since.

I was blindsided, I thought he hadn't since he promised. I never even checked, just trusted and now I feel like a fool.

It brings up such issues of feeling "not enough", so similar to feelings from a.

I tried to explain to him and he became defensive and condescending.

"its always about your pain, why can't you thank me for not looking for two months"

After a bit, I tried again to explain it is not that I want to feel this way, I just do.

I trusted you and it is shocking to hear. I understand it has been 2 months but I didn't know, it feels like a betrayal.

He became upset and started turning it on me regarding an issue from 7 years ago. One that he says he has forgiven me for and I worked hard to rectify.(not infidelity)

He was sarcastic and condescending. He thought I should be supportive of him and his "addiction".

This is just unacceptable to me, it is not harmless in our marriage. He always convince me in the past that it was just fantasy and no big deal. Yeah, look where fantasy got us. I never felt comfortable about porn, but I pushed my feelings aside, thought I was being "silly".

Never again.

If we cannot resolve this it will be a deal breaker for me.

Maybe it will be for him too.

I will not be replaced with fantasy. I have been through too much and will never be taken for granted again.

This is so hard isn't it?

letitout posted 8/28/2013 07:44 AM

cantaccept: You wrote my post. That is exactly how it goes down in my house even to the part about something I did 10 years ago. eerie.

Laura: You are right my MC told me the same thing. It's me who will decide if it's a deal breaker, not WH, not MC, not SI. But it's hard to be alone in this decision.

cantaccept posted 8/28/2013 07:54 AM

I feel like it is a destructive coping mechanism, similar to drugs or alcohol.

Would a MC suggest that you have to live with that also?

For me it is way to painful. It was part of his emotional disconnect from me. His way of satisfying his needs with no emotional attachment.

A pattern that I believe he followed right to his a. If you are not emotionally invested in your partner, why would you be faithful?

Not sure about this, just a new thought process for me in reaction to this new info.

I changed my IC appt to today. I need some clarity on this and still don't trust my perceptions enough. Working on it but still trying to find the balance.

Always second guess myself. Am I protecting myself or am I being to hard on him. It is a constant internal battle. I have failed myself for my whole life, but I don't want to go to far in the other direction and become selfish.

I wish that I could just love him and have it returned, honestly, safely. I wish I didn't feel that I have to guard myself. It does still feel that way to me. I don't trust him yet with my heart.

sodeeplysaddened posted 8/28/2013 09:40 AM

Sounds like time to get a new MC.

Porn is an absolute deal breaker for me (slippery slope).

FWH IC told him that he had to stop it too for the same reason - slippery slope. He had to put on his big boy pants and find other coping mechanisms!

Kelany posted 8/28/2013 10:35 AM

Your MC is wrong. Flat out wrong. I'd find another who specializes in infidelity and possibly sex addiction to get a different take.

Porn is a deal breaker for us. My husband is SA and I refuse to go down that path of the slippery slope again.

whatnow8 posted 8/28/2013 11:28 AM

Is she suggesting new coping skills or just saying that he will eventually discover new ones on his own? Would she say that if his coping mechanism was hitting you?

Have you talked to wh about things he could do when he is tempted? I know my knee jerk reaction is always anger, hurt, and "how could you do that to me AGAIN!" I'm learning that I kind of need to help my wh figure out some coping skills. We've started to talk thru some situations and what he thinks might help to turn his attention to.
It sucks. Nobody wants the honesty to be that their husband was thinking about his last ow or porn today, and really struggled. We want it to be that all they thought of was us and how lucky they are that we're still around.
I know that feeling like he just kicked you in the stomach again, and feeling like you were stupid to trust him again. It might go on forever or he might just need a little more time to turn things around. It sucks trying to figure out just how much you can take before it's over. ((letitout))

TrulySad posted 8/28/2013 12:36 PM

It looks like its time for a new MC. Just because they have a degree, doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. Walk away from that one, and don't waste any more money on them.

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