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R is going so well, why am I regressing?

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Brokenhearted49 posted 8/28/2013 04:58 AM

It's been 4 months since DDay and my WH has done everything and more to redeem himself. I made the switch from looking back and dissecting the whole sordid event to looking forward to the new and much better relationship we now have. So, I don't know why I am now back to obsessing about every detail of the A again. Every couple of nights I have bad dreams about the OW and/or my WH and the OW. My daily weeping binges have started again either at night or early in the am. I am seeing a therapist who's been very helpful and I am on antidepressants. The OW is/was my 19 yo daughters Godmother and my Ds bday was last week. I was cleaning out her room over the weekend now that she's off at college and I came across a very expensive jacket that the OW gave her for her bday. I believe that was the trigger for me. Although my WH has strictly adhered to the no contact policy, we have kept the A from the kids (my daughter is the youngest) merely telling them that we had a falling out with the OW. My gut is telling me I need to tell my daughter that the no contact policy applies to her too, but she is close to the OWs daughter who is like a sister to her. I could tell the OW not to contact my daughter, but I don't want my daughter to think she's been forgotten by her own Godmother. It's just such a mess. I know if I told my daughter the truth, she'd cut off her Godmother in a a instant, but why should she be punished for my H being a dumb shit?

The jacket has special meaning since the OW bought the same xpensive jacket for her daughter last December during our trip to NYC when I took the OW and our daughters to NYC for a show and an overnight stay to celebrate OWs 50th bday. At the time, I made a big deal about how impractical the jacket was because you can't wash or dry clean it. I had said how I'd never get my daughter one because it would be a waste and I can easily afford to " waste" money. I just thought it was so superficial to get this brand just because all the "it" girls had one.

Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, but it's like she's giving me a message that's she doesn't care what I think and she's going to do what she wants anyway. am I overreacting or should I make a big deal about this?

atsenaotie posted 8/28/2013 09:28 AM

Hi Brokenhearted49,

A couple of thoughts. First, at 4 - 6 many of us start to get out of panic mode. The WS is behaving better, we feel safer, and this is when anger and resentment can begin to appear after being somewhat suppressed in the initial period after dday when feelings of fear of loss and questioning our responsibility for the A were more prevalent.

Second, if your DD is old enough to be off to school, I believe she knows or suspects more than you realize. I think that you can tell her that OW hurt your family, that she abused the trust that you had placed in her, and that you have broken off contact with OW. You do not need to provide details or explanations, but I think your DD is probably wise enough to put 2+2 together.

Being an authentic and honest Brokenhearted49 means not wearing a mask, and not pretending that a relationship or feelings are not what they really are just to spare someone else’s feelings. You should not require your DD to shun OW or OW’s DD, but you should be honest that OW hurt you and the family, and that you no longer want to be involved in OW’s life, nor her in yours.

I understand the jacket being a trigger. I would put a dark bag over it and hang it in the back of your DD’s closet. If it is untouched for a year, I would feel free to “clear it out” with other old items at some point. The jacket must not mean much for your DD as she left it when she went to school.

ETA: actually, it may be better if your FWH was the one to tell DD about OW hurting the family and wanting NC.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:29 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

LosferWords posted 8/28/2013 09:35 AM

Brokenhearted49 - I was trying to come up with a reply, and was getting hung up on what to suggest about that darned jacket. I think atsenaotie had a pretty good idea about how to deal with it.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through and dealing with.

GraceisGood posted 8/28/2013 09:40 AM

Irregardless to how R is going, you have to process this all. You have three things going on at once, you have the R in the M, you have your own healing/recovery, and you have your H, working on his issues that were behind his infidelity.

You are only 4 months from D-day, that is just a blink of the eye.

You are NOT regressing, you are just following your own path through this journey.

It is called the rollercoaster because you will have high times where you "feel" like you have come out the other side and that it might all be behind you, but then the dip comes and it can be long (but not always) and the cycle repeats and repeats until you are done (and truly I do not believe it is every fully DONE, but that is just my perspective and how I think, I am sure others as far out as I or further do experience DONENESS, so do not loose heart because of my perspective).

You have so many things to process. As you process things they will lead you to other things (kind of like a really morbid scavanger hunt), and on and on it goes, the processing brings understanding, healing, acceptance, but each thing has to be dealt with and it takes time. There can be lulls in the processing, some people take purposed breaks in the processing and choose to not go there for a while to be able to function in their daily lives, but it is still sitting there waiting to be dealt with (and I think some breaks are good, we all need time to just breathe and feel "normal")

Aside from processing, triggers will also come and those can really shake things up as you have found.

Dates can affect some of us as well.

Also, the better an R goes, the better the WS is at healing, and dealing with their "why", the safer a BS feels which also allows some of us to be able to process more because we are no longer in "WS focus mode" but now have the freedom to focus on us and our trama/wounds.


Brokenhearted49 posted 8/28/2013 11:24 AM

Thanks so much for the great comments and support. You have all given me a lot to think about. you're right about it not being that long since dday. I was so terribly hurt and shocked when my H confessed that I'm probably just now coming around to being incredibly pissed off. I had been focusing much of that anger on the OW. That was easy...I just cut her out of my life. I have to deal with my husbands mistake every day and still move forward which is much harder. Lastly, I am sure my daughter either "knows" or highly suspects what happened. That's probably why she didn't take the jacket to show her allegiance to me without making a big deal out it. I think I'll take the advice to cover up the jacket and shove it in the back of her closet until I'm centered enough to deal with it if I have to. I just may have to learn to live with the fact that on her birthday and Christmas that she'll receive something from her. Thanks again to all. I always feel better after hearing from others I the same situation.

atsenaotie posted 8/28/2013 12:13 PM

I just may have to learn to live with the fact that on her birthday and Christmas that she'll receive something from her.

or, if you and your FWH share with your DD that OW hurt your family and you are no longer involving her in your life, you might find that DD returns gifts from OW and goes NC with OW in allegience to her family. Not that you should expect this, but a distinct possibility I think.

...but I don't want my daughter to think she's been forgotten by her own Godmother.

I think your daughter was forgotten by OW, at least so far as she was a Goddaughter, the moment OW began having sex with the husband of her Goddaughter's mother.

whattheh posted 8/28/2013 12:38 PM

I'm at 7 months now and find things are getting better. I think it's because I've been able to put things in perspective with time. Also I've improved in my ability to "thought stop" and asking my H for help.

I still regress some but seem able to pull myself out of it faster.

Just wanted to give you some hope that things can and will improve.

[This message edited by whattheh at 12:39 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

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