Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

new to the forum

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

eachdayisvictory posted 8/28/2013 06:04 AM

So, I am new to this forum and looking for some advice. I feel like this affair means that recovery is all my responsibility. It feels like our chances of successful reconciliation all fall on my shoulders; will I be able to live with it? Will I be able to stop bringing it up? Will I be able to trust again? Will I be able to forgive? Will I feel like a whole person again? Will I be able to love myself?
It just seems so unfair today, but at the same time, I like depending on me. The only person on earth I can trust and believe, although the latter is a daily struggle. I feel so much hate for the other woman, and I hate that I feel that way. I don't want to hate, I don't want to wonder about my husband and family. I want to know, but I feel like I will never know anything again. I love who I have become 6 months into our recovery, but the hard times give me such doubt. I have been thinking a lot about our 2 boys lately too, ages 2 and 4, and wondered how a father could be so inconsiderate of his children, and how he is going to live with himself knowing he put his desires ahead of his parental duties. He is such a great father, how could this not have stopped him?! His affair began a month before we conceived our second child, and I need some help in believing that he is not an evil person. HELP!

AFrayedKnot posted 8/28/2013 06:24 AM

Welcome to SI. I am sorry for what brought you here. You have found a great place to heal. There is a ton of information here and experience of people who have been where you are.

A great place to start is the Healing Library. It is in the yellow box in the upper left side of the screen. There are articles and FAQs.

There are also a bunch of great threads in the Just Found Out forum some are:
Tactical Primer
Before You say Reconcile
A Great Post for Newbies
Boundaries and Consequences 101
They may be a couple pages back but worth the read.

Take care of yourself. Try to eat right, sleep right, drink plenty of water, exercise. Take it easy. It is a long road but you can do it.

Keep reading and posting. Let us help you sort through the confusion. You can and will survive this.

atsenaotie posted 8/28/2013 14:52 PM

Hi eachdayisvictory,

Welcome to SI. Sorry you have a purpose here, but glad for you that you found this site early.

I understand the feeling like the A was on me to fix. Truth be told, I carried a lot of the water for the first year while FWW got her head out of her ass and decided that she did want to stay M'd to me and to do the work.

Will you be able to trust, forgive, feel whole, love..., yes. But this makes the point that some of early effort after dday must be for the BS to heal him or her self. During this period I believe that it is too early to be working on R. In stead, I see this as a period of "not divorcing".

So long as your WH is maintaining NC, and you feel safe staying in the M, not divorcing is enough. Use this time, the next 6 - 12 months to work on healing you and taking care of your children. Set boundaries for your WS including NC, a timeline of the A if you want one, work on himself to explain his "Whys" for having the A, and to change to healthier behavior.

Read books like Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and invite your WH to read and discuss them with you. Keep posting and reading here on SI. Watch to see if your WH's actions match his words and promises.

For now, you are doing fine if you are working on healing yourself, and "not divorcing" your WH. R can come later when you have come to a point of acceptance, and you can accept your WS as a full and equal member of the M relationship. At that point you can look at the path your WH has been on and decide. Has he owned his A, and learned and practiced new behaviors to replace his wayward behaviors? Do you still love your WH, or at least think you could learn to love him again?

Getting to R is a marathon, a long one, measured in years.

Best Wishes and keep posting and reading.

Rebreather posted 8/28/2013 15:38 PM

I can't say anything more or better than atsenotie did. But I wanted to say welcome. You are going to be ok. And that reconciling shouldn't be on your shoulders, not at all. A truly remorseful spouse makes it a whole lot "easier." You can't push the boulder uphill alone, you know?

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/28/2013 15:45 PM

You can't push the boulder uphill alone, you know?

sisoon posted 8/28/2013 16:59 PM

It helped me to think in terms of 3 healings. I'm responsible for healing myself. My W is responsible for healing herself and making necessary changes in her thoughts and feelings. Together we heal the M.

I worked on releasing the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed, and I observed my W. She wanted R, and her behavior was very consistent with R, so eventually I chose R, too.

The key for me - and I think for everybody, but that's JMO - was feeling the pain and letting it go. As I reduced my level of pain, I was able to comprehend what I wanted more and more clearly, and the lowered level of pain allowed me to see that my W was a good candidate for R.

I expect you feel awful now, and it may get worse - but never doubt that you can survive this and thrive, whether you R or D or S or just take a long time to make a decision.

LA44 posted 8/28/2013 17:45 PM

Hi EdiV and fellow Canadian. Firstly, I like your name. It's positive and that goes a long way right now doesn't it.

I think Sisoon has given you some beautiful advice. I read Sisoon's posts a lot/same with Rebreather and Chicho.

Our d-days are close so I "get" where you are in your head right now. And I am happy that you are liking who you are becoming during this horrific time.

Your questions are all so normal right now. And even with a remorseful spouse who is doing everything right we still ask ourselves these questions. Hell, I was putting my undies in a suitcase at 5am around 6 months bc I felt desperate that I would not be able to make it through that particular time. But I did and I know I can keep going.

As for this...

have been thinking a lot about our 2 boys lately too, ages 2 and 4, and wondered how a father could be so inconsiderate of his children, and how he is going to live with himself knowing he put his desires ahead of his parental duties. He is such a great father, how could this not have stopped him

I too asked myself this in the beginning but I have since come to realize that his behavior was so purely selfish and that he was able to compartmentalize the A so successfully that he really did believe he was a great provider and an excellent dad. And to those looking in, he was! But he has since realized that he was only half there. He was distracted, not following through, and so on. He thought he could do both. It is warped, I know. But this is what he tells me today. He now knows it was all BS!

Is your H remorseful? Is he filling your bucket? Is he helping you push the boulder as Rebreather mentions?

I hope all of this is helpful to you. Keep posting. You will get through this one moment at a time. You have come so far already.


[This message edited by LA44 at 6:25 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

eachdayisvictory posted 8/29/2013 11:10 AM

Wow. Thank you all so much for your words and advice. I cried as I read through them to realize that my questions are not crazy, that I am not losing my mind. Each time I feel doubt about my ability to make it through this, I feel like a complete failure. I know it's twisted and my intelligence tells me that the affair and the damage to our family is not my fault, but I feel a huge pressure to make things work. That's what leads my 'strong woman' side to constantly check to make sure that this is right. But the idea of 'right' has been shaken, so I've learned through reading that I have to find what's 'right' for me and stay true to my convictions. I guess I'm working out my convictions as this new person I have become. It's been 6 months since the discovery, but as my husband says, it's really been 3 months since the lies as he continued to text her and met her once during the first 3 months. That second round of lies, including to our therapist, gives me pause daily. Rocks my faith in myself and my husband and our ability to make it. Is it a common story for the wayward spouse to continue contact after the discovery? I feel so small and insignificant and disrespected by the second round of lies. How can I be so unimportant to the man who has been my life partner for 15 years? Is the fact that we began dating when we were 17 and 18 a sure sign that we should not be together? The OW sent me a 4 page letter the day after discovery and told me that we built a life together, but that we do not have the 'love of a man and a woman'. Why do I still think about this, and why does it hurt me so damn much?

Rebreather posted 8/29/2013 11:36 AM

Oh honey. It's a lot to try to digest.

First, another dday is not uncommon. It is horrific and damaging and can make recovery all the much harder. I too had a second dday, also 3 months after the first where I learned they'd met for lunch once and she'd sent him a secret cell phone. Oh trust me, I know how you are feeling.

For me, after that second dday the gloves came off. I was just like, "this is bull fucking shit. if you want to stay in this marriage, you better start fucking acting like it" and I quit being any kind of gentle with him. He had a week to meet my list of demands. Really at that point, shit gets real, you know?

And yes, a second dday will set your healing clock back to the beginning.

Be easy with yourself. You have to work the process. Have you gotten mad yet?

eachdayisvictory posted 8/29/2013 13:38 PM

Wow, thanks so much Rebreather. I have gotten terrifyingly mad a couple of times, just last week I uncorked when I thought I could hear about my husband's sadness over the loss of his other relationship, and I lost it. I was a little violent too, and it scared me and made me extremely ashamed. I agree, the second Dday meant gloves-off. I felt so confident and knew exactly what I could handle after that. I wrote up a contract for my husband that he signed acknowledging that any further lies or contact or checking on her would mean the end of us. I know that is the truth, I know I cannot forgive another lie that big or that hurtful. It's just so hard to know what's right. Or to know anything at all.

whattheh posted 8/29/2013 13:48 PM

And the 4page letter you received from the OW was done to manipulate you. She was likely trying to get you to dump your FWH?

[This message edited by whattheh at 1:50 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.