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User Topic: How do you not take it personal?
joeboo
♂ 31089
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read hundreds of times on here that it is not the BS’s fault, it is all about the WS being broken. Albeit, my fww has deeply rooted issues with boundaries and sex but she has been working hard at being a better wife and I can see that. However, I never really had issues with how she “treated” me rather I had issues with her motivation and desire to be with other men who’s personality and physical characteristics were just different than me.

So fast forward to today and the majority of struggles with R lie in my deeply rooted insecurities in the bedroom. I take it very personal. I am way beyond any emotional attachment she had with any OM and I can deal with that as I am very comfortable and proud of who I am as a person (hoping that doesn’t sound pompous just relating it to my self-confidence outside of the bedroom). But I do not feel the same way about the sex. I still can’t help but take it personal as if it were something she did to me and I am very offended as well as view it as a huge slap in the face. There are underlying implications that I seemingly will never get past.

I've been here way too long for this to be a stage as opposed to a solid belief. So how did you get to the point where it was not about you? How do you not take it personal?


Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a while I was really hung up about the sex aspect of it all. To be honest, I had always thought I was pretty good in bed and then this happened and suddenly I had all these insecurities! I felt useless, hopeless, unsexy!

It's taken a long time and lots of figuring it out, but I have come to believe that it actually had nothing to do with the sex! My fWH has told me that the sex with OW was pure "vanilla", not exciting at all and he never brought her to orgasm, she just didn't seem that interested in that aspect of it... at first I thought "Yeah right! You went back 30 or so times....for below average sex...? whatever!" But over time and through lots of conversation and reading up, I have come to see that the quality (or lack thereof!) in the bedroom has stuff all to do with it! Honestly, it was all about the excitement of the illicit "adventure", it was all about the AP letting them think they were wonderful, and exciting.... He could have been shagging a rottweiler, it would have made no difference as long at the rottweiler made him feel like a "handsome prince" and let him come inside!

Please don't let them rob you of this! Honestly, us BS are so quick to allow the A to play into all our insecurities, we have to fight that! And fight it hard. The affair is a fantasy situation, the emotions, the sex, the whole thing is just a fantasy fuelled by mega-doses of dopamine. It can't survive in the light of day. It says NOTHING about who we are as people, how good we are in bed or anything else about us at all. {joeboo}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what you are feeling is normal. At 2 years out I know now it really had nothing to do with sex in my case. The ONS could have been anyone and was.. It really was about where he was broken and our marriage was broken.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1659 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi joeboo,

Getting over the sexual aspect was wrapped up in the whole "why would she choose one of them (OM 1-3) over me?" question for me. IC was a part of my answer, I also profited from reading the Holly Hines book Sexual Detours. That book helped me to understand the psychological and behavior aspects of FWW's relationships with her OM. YMMV, but I really remember that book as a true "Aha!" moment.

...rather I had issues with her motivation and desire to be with other men who’s personality and physical characteristics were just different than me.

The only other thing I can add is that I truly believe that her A's were not about me. This was the first thing our MC/IC said to me. This is a mantra at SI. I see this in many books (Not Just Friends, Sexual Detours). I really do believe this.

I do not know how to identify the path for you, but if you can get to where you truly accept that her A's were not about you, that they were about her, that the OM was nothing more than available and willing, then I think the rest sorts itself out.

I can see in my FWW that her As, and the sex, was something she did to herself.

…deeply rooted insecurities in the bedroom.

Sex is complicated, and I think there is more to the mindset of the participants than actual physical technique in bad or great sex. I have had lousy sex with FWW, and the best sex of my life. She is the same person with the same skills. When I have a bad round of sex, it is more my issue than something for her to feel insecure about. The same way, FWW’s sexual satisfaction is her responsibility. I am in reasonably good shape and still have parts that work most the time. If she is not getting her needs met she needs to clue me in and work with me.

At the risk of coming off sounding wrong, I satisfied FWW and other women before her sexually. I am reasonably well read and have put some effort into being a good partner. I do not have insecurities about my sexual performance in bed. I do have insecurities about open and honest communication with FWW. I know she still has a distance to go in having a solid core to her self image. If I do not feel like sex, or only want gentle love-making without the props and midgets, it is difficult for me to communicate this to her. She looks for ulterior reasons, blame within her self, rather than accept me at my word that I am tired, sore, stressed, overly full, drunk, have to get up early…

I wonder if your felling of insecurity is a reflection of something from your FWW? If she is placing too much value on “perfect” sexual encounters as demonstration of love and connection? If you falter sexually, does she feel unloved or un-desired, and do you pick up on this?


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it's not really possible not to take this personally. He abandoned ME. He did OUR thing with someone else. How do you not take that personally??

However, this is mitigated somewhat by the fact that I know intellectually that this was not about me. To HIM, it wasn't personal.

So, it doesn't really change how I feel, but it makes it a little less awful.

As to the sex, I can't help but think that if you are still feeling this so strongly that your WW is not doing enough to allay your fears. It is natural for you to feel insecure after something like this and she should be doing everything in her power to make sure you feel otherwise.

Is she?


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex in our case was a huge factor in why the A happened.....we were having little to no sex at all. thankfully I have figured out the why on my end....it was my end that was broken in the sex department. Having a very limited ability to climax was something that finally rooted inside me as resentment....and from that the not feeling like I wanted sex at all came. Having dealt with this issue in IC and with my medical doctor, we are fixing this integral part of a healthy marriage. Sex is as wonderful now as it was when we first met. I work very hard at protecting that.

My husbands A grew out of the feeling of being wanted, needed and that she made him feel special.....all things he felt had stopped in our marriage because the sex had stopped. I am so getting this now and getting what he needs to feel loved. I just wish he had the balls to speak to me about this so many years ago.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my issue with the "not taking it personally" thing is that it lets the WS off the hook. I mean, using that logic, why can't they continue having affairs as long as it's about them and not you? If they're only hurting themselves what's the big deal?
I know I'm being facetious. It hurts, all logic goes out the window. The BS's self esteem is crushed, asking themselves, what is wrong with me that he had to do that?
or, is it the lying? I'm worthy of the truth about what it going on in my life. He had an affair? ok. He lied, very much not interested in being in a marriage where there are lies.

An affair and lies go hand in hand. how can you not take it personally?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5538 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With regard to "taking it personally" - I take it personally in the sense that fWH betrayed ME, he lied to ME, he disrespected ME, he broke vows he had made to ME. That's all personal and I take it very personally. What I refuse to believe is that all those things that he did had anything to do with defects in me. He did those things because of HIS issues and HIS weaknesses.

I think we need to be very careful of blaming perceived weaknesses in ourselves for the harm that was done to us through the A.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, in my mind the A can be as big or as little of a deal as I make it. I've been thinking about the sex part...yes, it's hurtful that he had sex with her, but I'm choosing to put it in the box with - "Well, he had sex with other women before me too....they have nothing to do with me.".

If my husband choses to engage in sex with me again, I will know it is because he has committed his heart back to me...those are the conditions he has outlined for being willing and able to engage in sexual activity with me again...because he knows that love and emotion are important to me, and he stated that he hasnt felt any of that for a long time, and sex with me has been really difficult for him because of his lack of desire for me.

In terms of your feeling insecure, let me just say this...my husband also has insecurities in the bedroom. My one and only complaint about his love making is that he does not recognize and appreciate that he knows exactly what I like and how I like it.

When your wife tells you she likes something, believe her. GO with it. She is with you, she has chosen to be with you. Relax and enjoy.

[This message edited by nekorb at 10:33 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take being exposed to potential STD's very personally. Having my family exposed to potential acts of violence, emotional and physical loss, and monetary costs in the thousands directly affect me. It wasn't about me or our family. We were never considered. We just happened to be in the intersection when the texting driver blew through the red light. It wasn't about us, but boy did it affect us.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4092 | Registered: Dec 2011
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joeboo,

Sending hugs. So sorry. I can feel your hurt through your post.

Listen, I really am not going to offer much help as I am not dealing with a PA, at least not that I know of....

Anyway, as a woman. I just want to say that generally speaking (and I know generalizations are dangerous most of the time) it really isn't about the 'sex' per se for women. Really.

I like sex. I like it a lot. I have never slept with someone for the sex. I have slept with them for the emotional aspect of it or because of how they made me feel. They made me feel sexy, alive, gorgeous, beautiful, loved etc...


He could have been shagging a rottweiler, it would have made no difference as long at the rottweiler made him feel like a "handsome prince" and let him come inside!

This is why I believe this ^^ is true. Her AP was likely making her feel what she was missing inside.

I have had lousy sex with FWW, and the best sex of my life. She is the same person with the same skills.

^^This is why i don't think it is about the sex. KWIM?

I hope this helps, Joeboo. Find peace!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jun 2012
joeboo
♂ 31089
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But over time and through lots of conversation and reading up, I have come to see that the quality (or lack thereof!) in the bedroom has stuff all to do with it!Assuming there was a bit of a typo there. But through lots of conversation and observation that tells its own story, the sex was just as much of a motivating factor as anything else if not more so.

I think what you are feeling is normal.If only I could be abnormal!

I do not know how to identify the path for you, but if you can get to where you truly accept that her A's were not about you, that they were about her, that the OM was nothing more than available and willing, then I think the rest sorts itself out.Thanks. I certainly want to be there, but not sure how to get there. I should invest in the books you mentioned. I have had reading mat'l recommended before but never actually order the book even though I would have liked to.

I wonder if your felling of insecurity is a reflection of something from your FWW? If she is placing too much value on “perfect” sexual encounters as demonstration of love and connection? If you falter sexually, does she feel unloved or un-desired, and do you pick up on this?I think my insecurities have a lot to do with my fww and the things she has said to me in the past about my failing in the bedroom and how other men are more skilled and desirable as well as other preferences to which I cannot compete. I do not think it has anything to do with her feeling unloved or not desired, it has more to do with them apparently having more sex appeal with a better follow through. Looking back, I do not think my fww married me because she loved me, I think she married me because I was good husband material and she couldn't get that from the guys she'd rather have slept with. I think over time she has grown to love me and see what she was missing, but over time I have grown to see what I was missing too.

However, this is mitigated somewhat by the fact that I know intellectually that this was not about me. To HIM, it wasn't personal.Thanks for the thought. I don't think I drove my fww to be with another man, I think that she married someone with whom she didn't feel sexual compatibility. I didn't know that at the time and now she claims those days are past.

I just wish he had the balls to speak to me about this so many years ago.I can relate in that I wish she wouldn't have played me for the fool for so long. That is a long time to invest in a relationship with an imaginary friend.

An affair and lies go hand in hand. how can you not take it personally?I suspect that to move forward with R this has to be resolved.

What I refuse to believe is that all those things that he did had anything to do with defects in me.
It wasn't about us, but boy did it affect us.
That is exactly where I want to be, but I cannot find my way there.

...it really isn't about the 'sex' per se for women. Really. I like sex. I like it a lot. I have never slept with someone for the sex.I think you are her polar opposite in that regard.

[This message edited by joeboo at 1:05 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I refuse to believe is that all those things that he did had anything to do with defects in me. He did those things because of HIS issues and HIS weaknesses.
I think we need to be very careful of blaming perceived weaknesses in ourselves for the harm that was done to us through the A.

itsaclimb says it very well. The flip side of this? Our fWS's can NOT take credit for our fidelity. Dont know if you went through the phase of noticing how women interact with you or not...but I did. I see just how much opportunity there is out there for BS to make the same dreadful, hurtful mistakes our fWS did....our coping mechanisms just did not allow that to be a viable option for how to deal with life.


My wife and I were our first...and on track to be "onlies"...so the whole "well, we had sex with other people before we married" comfort line does not help me. My wife gave away something rare...gave it away because of a weakness in her. This hurts...and it hurts me personally.

STD's...by the grace of God we did not have to deal with this...surprising as the stats are not good on this....especially with HVP. The acts my wife engaged in disgust me, logical thought left their brains the moment they first kissed....but here I am.

To be sure I struggle with what you are struggling with. But we differ in that most days now (11 months into this) I dont take the affair itself personally. Perhaps as heforgotme stated...your wife is not doing what she can on her side, maybe she is still "fog-like" in her actions.

Is she suggesting she misses the sex, misses the OM, says she doesnt miss OM but not really into you?

Ultimately, you will find your path to this place. It took me 10 months, others like catlover50 got to this place within 2 months.

You will find its true. IF your wife is doing things that keep you from getting to this point a 180 will be in order.

IC was a big part of my journey, as was reading 20 plus books.

I would have debated a person 1 month after DD as to the validity that my wifes affair was anything BUT personal....I have completely abandoned that thinking.

I pray you find the peace to abandon this as well...but I also pray you have the patience with yourself as you move towards this place. TIME is a player in this.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:16 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something that helped me make this less personal was the following question...

Did my wife or her AP ever consult me about what they were deciding on doing? Of course they didnt...because it did not concern me. Their affair was and is all about them.

Through counseling it has become keenly apparent to me that my wife simply did not allow herself to think of anyone else but herself....she dropped our kids off at school, her AP dropped his 5 kids off at school....then they met and had sex. This tells you just how little consideration anyone but themselves were given. It is no more about us then it is our kids...would you blame your kids for your wifes actions? That would be insane...is it less insane, then, to blame yourself?

To be sure they thought they were giving us consideration as they confessed to each other "This just isnt right, my husband doesnt know about us." But this was just a way for their conscious to quiet down a bit so they could get back to what they wanted. Hopefully your wife has abandoned that as any sort of reason to offer up as to why she committed adultery. Hopefully she has given up GIVING reasons for her adultery. If she hasnt, I can see why you have not moved through this phase and now feel like it is a real fact...that your case is somehow different then the tens of thousands of others affected by adultery.

I remember asking my wife over and over and over again on how she could walk by family pictures on the way out to the park 1 block away to meet and make out with her AP. Her answer? She simply didnt think about that part of it....her affair was purely an escape, a cocoon onto itself.

Dreadful, hurtful, painful, sinful, disgusting....but not personal. Not personal in that we were simply not a factor in their choice to committ adultery.

At the end of our lives God is not going to ask me "Blakesteele, what did you do to make your wife commit adultery?". It is simply not a personal notation in my personell file....and it is not in yours either.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:28 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...how other men are more skilled …

joeboo,

I do not believe that other men are more skilled, but let us take this at face value. A skill can be learned, and how bad can it be to practice a sexual skill to perfection? What about them was more skilled, does your W discuss this with you, give you specifics about what skill they had that was so wondrous? When dating I might occasionally bed a woman with whom I pushed all the right buttons in the right order, with the right amount of pressure, for the right length of time just as a fluke. I also rolled all 6’s in Yatzee occasionally.

More often, partners and I had to communicate to each other our likes and dislikes. I had a partner who was really into one act that no other partner has ever been excited about. My doing this act for the one partner and pleasing her was not about skill, it was about communication.

... and desirable as well as other preferences to which I cannot compete.

So what does she mean by this? Did they bathe more often than just Saturdays? Was it a cologne scent? Were they shaved bald? These are examples of things you can change and put in place to be more desirable and please your partner if you are so inclined.

On the other hand, if it is the size of your dick or the color of your skin she is referring to, there isn’t anything you can do about that. She either needs to commit and find desire for you as you are, or you have to decide if you can be happy where everything is fine except your partner wishes you had a smaller dick, or were a different race.


That is exactly where I want to be, but I cannot find my way there.

1. you have to love yourself as you are

2. your W has to be open and honest in communication with you on all topics

3. you have to learn to trust your W again. it takes practice, and it takes time.

Almost 4 years out and a month ago I was back to checking phone, email, and text records. I am not there yet, but each time I am supicious and do not find anything, and raise the issue with my FWW, I get closer.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:34 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what Tred said.

Is it personal? Damn right it is. I take blowing up vows that were spoken to me before God and family personally for sure. I take being exposed to STDs, and the risk that my 40-year wife would be impregnated by her lover, personally. I take the potential (some would say likely) destruction of my children's intact two-parent home personally.

It was ALWAYS about me, whether she wanted to acknowledge that or not. When you get married and create a family, "I" goes out the window. Everything you do is about "We." It affects all of us. That's the reality, even for those who find themselves in unicorns-farting-rainbows land.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1488 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how did you get to the point where it was not about you? How do you not take it personal?

Don't know. You can know that it wasn't about you, that it was about their own issues, but it doesn't help that they took something that could have been special between you two and shared it with someone else instead. That they and someone else share those memories instead of you. That someone else made them smile that way.

Jealousy sucks. The only way I've been able to deal with it is to detach, to the point where I actually almost felt happy for him to have experienced such awesomeness with other women, you know, happy for him that he has good memories no matter where they're from... Yes, the detaching was that strong; it worked because I invalidated "us" totally to get to that point. And I'm not so sure it's healthy anymore. It was helping when he was less remorseful. But now that he's trying... I don't know. I don't know how to get back to "us", a healthy "us". Need to do something else.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3921 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[tj]

I think the phrase "taking it personally" can get muddied in semantics.

When a poster asks as joeboo did:

So how did you get to the point where it was not about you? How do you not take it personal?

I interpret not take it personal as in I (or the poster) has no personal responsibility for the WS’s A. The A was not because he worked too many hours, his dick bent to the left, or he did not pay enough attention to his W. I do not want the poster to take personal ownership for any responsibility for the A, as in she had her A because I never paid enough attention to her, I never showed an interest in her Beanie Baby collection, I did not make sure she came before I did…

As for injury, yes I personally was hurt by my W’s A. I had immense emotional pain form anger, fear, rejection, resentment, jealously. My work, family, and social lives suffered from my depression and pre-occupation with her A. My health suffered from the STD she contracted from one of the OM. The A cost me time and money.

Her A was not about me, and I do not take any personal responsibility for her actions; but I was personally devastated when I found out and understood her betrayal of the M.

[/tj]


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her A was not about me, and I do not take any personal responsibility for her actions; but I was personally devastated when I found out and understood her betrayal of the M.

Exactly. This is an important distinction.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3921 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear from you, joe.

Gently, the deeply rooted insecurities are your problem to fix. The metaphor I would use is that you're telling yourself you're lousy in bed, and the cure is to do the opposite - tell yourself you ARE good in bed.

If you're not confident of your skills, you can, for example, ask your W about what touches she likes and when. Observe and respond. If you're really weak in an area you can strengthen other areas, or strengthen the area you're weak in.

Read about Tantra. If you can, find a teacher of Tantric yoga. (Personally, I wish I had the patience to learn a lot about Tantra, but I don't - maybe you do.)

I always thought positive self-talk was lying. It's not - the negative self-talk is the lie.

WRT the personal aspect of being betrayed, of course it's personal - but I figure WSes are out of touch with reality in general, and thinking cheating isn't an attack against the BS is a specific instance of WSes' effed up 'thinking'.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 34
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