I don't think I ever got my feet under me after the last Dday in June. Our entire relationship was built on a lie and the picture that I bought into was a complete sham. WH keeps saying that God must've had a reason and that he is feeling free from his addiction for the first time in his entire life.
The predominant emotion I feel is shock. Not the sharp, wrenching shock of the knife stabbing me in the gut on Dday, but the huge all encompassing shock that follows a devastating act of terrorism. I survived it, but I'm surrounded by shattered buildings and clouds of smoke and ash. And I have SO many wounds.
It's as if the bombs that went off were nuclear and now the water supply is poisoned. Every sip makes me feel sicker, weaker, more confused. I used to feel so strong and self confident, able to handle any challenge. I handled so many.
My career was crisis management for trauma victims and I was payed by the state to perform this function. I did my job well.
This crisis is testing all my skills... And a lot of days I am coming up lacking. I am SO sad.
Next week will be 1 year out from the first Dday. Subsequent Ddays followed every couple months. I still feel so shaken, so unsettled, so unsafe. I truly hoped that a year out I would feel much more recovered, more myself again.
He is trying but his efforts are unintentionally sporadic. He is really battling a life long illness and not able to respond in ways that a healthier person would. Both of our families keep encouraging me to " be there for him in his time of need". I just feel that my pain and trauma gets lost in his need to recover.
I'm tired of feeling so unsure. I'm tired of trying to piece the puzzle together and realizing how many holes are still there... I truly believe the volume of his behaviors means he can't easily give me those pieces but I do wish he would try harder to recover them.
I wish I could feel stabilized... Like I am familiar with the terrain instead of feeling like I am still in the middle of a mine field.
I am tired. I am discouraged by were we are as a couple and as individuals one year after the initial blast.
Thanks for letting me get all of that out.