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I have screwed up and ruined all the progress that I thought I had made. I have not been honest with my BH, myself, or any of the other members in this forum.

My A with the OM has never ended...we have continued to have an EA since the first dday. Although the conversations have not been sexual I have still been lying to my BH.

My BH let me move home Sunday. I told the OM then that I was done with him and wanted to make my M work.

Last night my BH asked if I was still talking to OM and I confessed I had. He then emailed the OM and threatened that if we continued to talk he would tell his wife. BH told me if I want to stay with him I am never to speak to OM again and I told him I won't.

I am grateful that BH is giving me one more chance but am so angry at myself for hurting him again. Throughout the last nine months I have tried ending things with OM but we have always started talking again.

I know I deserve whatever comments I get on this post. It doesn't seem it but I am very remorseful and angry with myself and know I dont deserve another chance.

BH told me if I want to stay with him I am never to speak to OM again and I told him I won't.

And then you say this....

Throughout the last nine months I have tried ending things with OM but we have always started talking again.

What makes this time any different? How are you going to honor your word?

I honestly think that you need to find out why you would give yourself permission to be deceptive to people who love you and people who want to help you.

It is akin to a drug addict asking for help but still doing the drug.

Wanna end this fun little fantasy? Tell the OM's BS. She has the right to know what's going on behind her back.

Tell OBW. I screwed up too many times to be judgmental of anyone, but I think that at this point, NOT telling her is more to preserve your ongoing A than it is for any other conceivable reason you may give. She does not deserve to continue living a lie with what she thinks is a loving husband. And based on all that I've read here over the past 18 months, I would bet she is having suspicions that there is something going on. Your admission, while bringing an acute hurt into her life, will put an end to that chronic pain of suspicion. Do the right thing for yourself, your daughter, your BH and tell her. It will squash the A and allow you to focus on what is very likely the last chance your BH is willing to give you. Good luck to you.

Why your last post, Alyssa? If there ever was a time for this to be the FIRST post of a new you it is right now. I don't see anyone casting the first stone, or judgements raining down. I personally feel for you, and what the fantasy and drug of "AP addiction" is costing you.

But don't you feel some sort of relief and weight off coming clean? That's a huge step in the right direction.

Regardless of whether anyone else gives you another chance, YOU can give YOU another chance. Are you worth it? Only you can answer that question.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 12:47 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Stay. You need us more than ever.

At the risk of saying "I told you so," I (and others) suspected you still had feelings for AP, and that's why you didn't want to quit the daycare.

My only point in saying that is: your BH's "bullshit detector" isn't broken, either. That's a good thing.

You must tell the OBS. Trust me, I didn't want to do it and I fought it. But, it sure as hell has kept me from ever emailing xAP!

I admire your bravery for admitting this to us. It shows you're committed to healing. Strength, sistah, you can do this!

Alyssa,

We are all works in progress, and you have made huge amounts of progress since you came here.

I sat here for over a year listening to people and learning the evils of TT, yet I continued to do it.

That was one of the hardest posts I've ever had to write. Good for you for finally ending it and coming clean to your BH. You owe us nothing, but you do owe yourself and your BH 100% truth.

Keep at it. We're here for you. Don't leave, you need us .

Seriously, keep posting.

It is akin to a drug addict asking for help but still doing the drug.

Otherwise known as most drug addicts.

As far as "this is probably my last post"...why? Now the real work can start.

Agree with everyone else. This most definitely shouldn't be your last post. Admitting this is a positive step. NC is the next. Contacting the OM's BS is the next. You get the idea.

Each step forward is another step in the right direction Alyssa. Don't stop now.

Yep.Please keep posting. Go NC and Tell OBS.

Keep fighting for your marriage.

It was brave of you to post this.

Alyssa,

The A that brought me to SI was actually the second A with the same OM. I knew I should have never spoken to him outside of work again, knew I should have deleted him from my phone---and from my LIFE---but I didn't.

Stay at SI. Keep posting, reading, learning. This place helped me get my head out of my ass... the folks here are good at that.

It was brave of you to confess this here, and to answer your BH's question honestly. That shows strength. Build on it from here!

Alyssa:

I want to offer up my story and hopefully help you in your struggle. I was in a similar (but not identical) situation. I had a problem going online, looking at porn and chatting with women online. My wife and I had a DDay of sorts in May (sadly enough right before our anniversary). And afterwards, I wrote her an apology letter and swore I wouldn't do anything inappropriate. Not two days later, I was doing the same things again. I also had one more incident about a month later which led to our official DDay. Since DDay, I've recognized how much my family and my wife mean to me. I've cut things out of my life which led to my past actions. The potential loss of my family is enough to make me change (and work every day to make that change permanent). The question you have to ask yourself is this: is it worth the change and the work, or would you prefer an "easier route" without the pain and hurt? Only you can answer that. I wish you the best in your decision.

I will chime in too.

I too took my A underground, and then years later when AP contacted me out of the blue, started an EA with her.

We all have our stories, we all need support.

Don't leave now when you really need the help.

Alyssa,

You finally got what you wanted; to move back home and live with your family. Now the real work begins, the day in day out real life situations..

This AP of yours is superfluous. NOT needed. You used him , he used you. Enough. We all think our AP's have a "hold" on us. We can't let go. YOU can, it's just really hard but not impossible.

Also, please remember he is having a BABY with his WIFE.

You don't need him Alyssa. Cut him out as though the contact is a disease that will spread to your marriage.

You're finally back home with your daughter. It's what you've been desperate for, for months, stick to your promise to BH and start the rest of your life today.

Thank you everyone for your comments they definitely are not what I was expecting but they are very much appreciated.

The reason I said it would likely be my last post is I was afraid of what the comments would be and was afraid to deal with it. But I don't want to take the easy way out. I want to fix my marriage and prove to my BH that this time will be different and I am going to change.

I don't want anything to do with the AP and want him out of my life for good and intend to do that...I really am hoping to find a new job soon too so I don't have to see him.

I can honestly say I am ready to change and be the wife and mother my family deserves to have.

The reason I said it would likely be my last post is I was afraid of what the comments would be and was afraid to deal with it.

Not running away from the tough stuff is what helps you grow. Change the pattern of running away and change will happen in you.

What is your plan for when you see OM at work?

My plan is to avoid talking to him as much as possible. I know which days he usually drops off and picks up so if I can I will just not be in the classroom when he comes. And if I can't get out of the room I still don't really have to talk to him...I can leave that to one of the other teachers.

I am considering what others have said about telling his BW. I am reluctant to do that though cuz I think it will make everything worse for everyone. I would rather just forget him and move on.

Telling her will make him accountable. Right now he is not and it makes it real easy to break NC.

Hufi's four words can apply here

DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

Telling her will make him accountable as FRM said. Right now he can walk around with a smug on his face because he got away with it. And he will do it again.

Telling her will reenforce your commitment to your BH and your M.

It will END the A.

[This message edited by SandAway at 7:25 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]