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User Topic: The damage we do to our kids
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is still unable to stop with the lies. Even the little ones. Maybe I'm overreacting, but really, one of my requirements for R was honestly. It's not too much to ask is it? (maybe it is when you have been lying your whole life, idk).

Wife is back in Phoenix for work. On Monday she went out with her old friends, no big really. I texted her around 7 with a question about getting the neighbor's phone number. Crickets for an hour. O.k., so I start to get irked, she knows I trigger when she's out of town, and she is supposed be responsive to texts.

So I give her a call. No answer. Text her at 8:30 with a "what the hell?..can I get a text back." About 9:10 I get a text back "Sorry, phone died, had to charge it."

UMMMM....LIAR. We have Iphones, and "find my phone" shows location AND Battery Power. I had checked at 8:00. She had 39% of her phone juice. It would be one thing if she didn't hear the phone and admitted that, but to just immediately lie. She hasn't changed a damn thing.

So, needless to say, I'm pretty pissed about the lie. Not sure what my actions are going to be. But I didn't feel like talking to her yesterday. I had the kids call her to say good night. The boy asked me if I wanted to talk to mom after he was done. I told him I was too busy (doing dishes).

I guess this struck him as off, because he asked me why I didn't want to talk to her. And like an idiot I told him that I was just a little angry at her. He responded with...

"Is she cheating again?"

my poor 8 year old. what have we done to him, where this is the first thing that he thinks of? I guess, I can't really say "gee son, I don't think she's still cheating, but she's still a liar"...probably not the best solution. Sorry that we blew up any sense of safety you had in your family kiddo.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
1985
♂ 28171
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, WB. They just don't get how important honesty is to a spouse that has already endured so much dishonesty and deception.
And you are also correct that the most pitiful part of it all is how the innocent children are effected and scarred. I hope your W reads this post. Maybe seeing her son's comment will help make the point about honesty in a way you aren't able to get thru to her .


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 593 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
1985
♂ 28171
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Accidental double post

[This message edited by 1985 at 12:18 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 593 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
Dawnie
♀ 26912
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WB)))


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 47)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 20)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 804 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gawd, I'm sorry. That's pretty brutal.

About 3 years out, I started to understand the concept of conflict avoidance and kneejerk lying. Mine still had some of that going on. I told him to go back to IC, work it out, or I was gone. I'm not going to waste my life with a fucking liar.

They can stop. It can be done.

As for your boy, he'll be ok. It hurts. But it certainly has to be better than being left in the dark, wondering what THEY did wrong to cause all the strife. Just reassure him, WB. I mean, I am sure you did. Grown ups have spats and can get mad at each other. It's ok. It's normal. Hiding from the anger and the pain, that's what leads us to problems.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((WB and DS))

So what did she say when you called her out on the lie? Where was she? Why the need to lie?

Im sorry,WB.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this literally just came to my in-box as I was getting a reply ready:

First off let me express how sorry I am that the pain came flooding back when I didnít answer your text or calls. I have no idea the amount of hurt I have caused and as I have come to understand in myself, I hate to look at it with empathy. But I need to. On Monday night I cried a long time and asked God to guide me in the healing of our marriage. I didnít get a big aha moment and really didnít think God heard me at all. So I went to sleep and hoped Tuesday would be a new day. I worked and thought of you and hoped you were doing ok, but knew in my heart you were not. On my way to the airport I prayed again and nothing. No K-Love song with the answer and no billboard with blinking lights pointing to what I should do next. So I sat on the plane and opened my book to the next chapter. The chapter was on Trust and what it would mean for you to trust me again. I have really done a shitty job of giving you the glimpse you need. Even with my small lies, that are only meant to spare you more hurt, they make the wound deeper and send you to yet again a place of intense pain and suffering. This is what I have done to you. After I read that chapter and then finished the book, I realized that I have not provided you with the support you need nor have I shown you any progress that I am fixing myself and making you feel safe. I love you and never want to get a divorce, I donít even want to talk about it, because I know we can get through this. You are everything to me and I am sorry I have failed again. The only thing I know for sure is that today I woke up feeling like I have the power to prove it to you. My commitment to healing our marriage and making myself a better person. I have another book at home that I am excited to read and am ashamed of myself for not doing these steps sooner. I hate the pain I have caused and the destruction I continue to do. Your forgiveness means everything to me and now I know that your trust is what I need to strive for. No excuses.
I love you!

I guess it's a start, but really at 18 months..I'm still on the "it's a start?"

I think the crux of the problem is the standard wayward thinking that "small lies to protect the BS"...Um, when has a lie told by her ever been designed to do anything but protect the her? Tough to work around that thinking.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as what she said when I confronted her on the lie, well, I didn't really give her a chance. At first I let her dig a hole with the phone out of juice thing, then I explained why I knew she was lying. She switched into total defensive mode and shifted it to the fact that I refuse to trust her out with her friends..yada yada.

At that point, we weren't going to get anywhere. I mentioned that the reason I refuse to trust her is that she continues to lie about stupid things. Lying is her way of life, and no, I can't trust someone who lies about everything. So that was how we finished things Monday night. Haven't spoken to her since, didn't see the need.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
64fleet
♂ 18710
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as what she said when I confronted her on the lie, well, I didn't really give her a chance. At first I let her dig a hole with the phone out of juice thing, then I explained why I knew she was lying. She switched into total defensive mode and shifted it to the fact that I refuse to trust her out with her friends..yada yada.

man, wonderboy I swear we are m'd to the same woman.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5405 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a nice email. But you know. Words < actions.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off let me express how sorry I am that the pain came flooding back when I didnít answer your text or calls. I have no idea the amount of hurt I have caused and as I have come to understand in myself, I hate to look at it with empathy. But I need to. On Monday night I cried a long time and asked God to guide me in the healing of our marriage. I didnít get a big aha moment and really didnít think God heard me at all. So I went to sleep and hoped Tuesday would be a new day. I worked and thought of you and hoped you were doing ok, but knew in my heart you were not. On my way to the airport I prayed again and nothing. No K-Love song with the answer and no billboard with blinking lights pointing to what I should do next. So I sat on the plane and opened my book to the next chapter. The chapter was on Trust and what it would mean for you to trust me again. I have really done a shitty job of giving you the glimpse you need. Even with my small lies, that are only meant to spare you more hurt, they make the wound deeper and send you to yet again a place of intense pain and suffering. This is what I have done to you. After I read that chapter and then finished the book, I realized that I have not provided you with the support you need nor have I shown you any progress that I am fixing myself and making you feel safe. I love you and never want to get a divorce, I donít even want to talk about it, because I know we can get through this. You are everything to me and I am sorry I have failed again. The only thing I know for sure is that today I woke up feeling like I have the power to prove it to you. My commitment to healing our marriage and making myself a better person. I have another book at home that I am excited to read and am ashamed of myself for not doing these steps sooner. I hate the pain I have caused and the destruction I continue to do. Your forgiveness means everything to me and now I know that your trust is what I need to strive for. No excuses.
I love you!

Isn't this just more of the same stuff she's been saying every time she gets caught?

"Is she cheating again?"

my poor 8 year old

Poor guy....how sad to have that image of your own mother.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13881 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it wonderboy. Every time my WH works late my DD is the first to ask where daddy is and what he is doing? She knows he is at work, but still asks me the question and I cringe every time.

My DD has also asked me if WH is cheating again?


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
1ost0ne
♂ 40202
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wonderboy I swear we are m'd to the same woman.

Maybe it's the three of us?

My kids are very scarred by this whole thing. My 13y son started crying when I went out last night to grab a bite and a beer (I had to get away for an hour). My 17y son never comes home, always finding an activity to do and my 10y daughter has gotten very clingy.


ďThe first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.Ē
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't this just more of the same stuff she's been saying every time she gets caught

Pretty much, the same pattern. She lies, I call her on it. She get's defensive, we fight. I get a really nice email. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Maybe part of her upbringing. But she wants to pretend everything is fine and be status quo. (You know, like things were before she decided to blow up two families for some validation.)
I am not really one for the status quo. The status quo doesn't make her safe to be around.

She gives me the "I have learned my lesson line"..."now that I know the pain and devastation that this caused, I would never do it again." Ummm, really? Because I am pretty sure that when we got married 14 years ago, at that point, you knew the pain and devastation that an affair would have. I am pretty sure that when you held our newborn daughter, you knew the pain and devastation that having an affair would do to her and our new family. I am pretty sure, that you knew all throughout or marriage the amount of pain and devastation your affair would cause. But when it came right down to it...when you wanted to have an affair, you just didn't care.

Ohhh, but now your safe? I don't think so honey. I don't think so.


ETA: I know my kids think about it when she travels. I have had at least one kid in my bed everynight since she left. And my oldest daughter has been sleep walking around the house, crying at time. They never used to do this when my wife traveled. Uggg.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 1:16 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has gotten very clingy.

Thanks wonderboy for starting this thread and 1ost0ne for pointing the above out with your kids.

My two have gotten extra clingy and it makes me feel horrible because I had two stints in inpatient for suicide attempt and deep depression (obviously caused from the infidelity). So not only has my WH's A made them clingy but my reaction to his A has also caused damage. I just hate A's, hate infidelity.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My response to her email. Probably a little harsh, but I have heard this song and dance before.

I still love you. But my concern isn't the fact that you didn't answer my text or calls. (I mean, yes..given that your affair happened on work travel, you should be more sensitive to being responsive to texts...and not worry that your friends would think it would be rude if you had your phone on the table).


My concern is why the instant need to lie to me? Your phone didn't die, but you chose to lie about it. Why?


You said this "Even with my small lies, that are only meant to spare you more hurt, " this is bullshit. Your lies are designed to protect you, not me.


Nor is there such a thing as a small lie. Dishonesty is dishonesty. You lied to me for months about my life. You destroyed everything I trusted. "small lies?" no such thing anymore. The fact that you don't get that makes you very unsafe. You have promised me no more lies. But yet you continue to lie to me. Nothing has changed.

[The Boy] asked me why I didn't want to talk to you last night, I told him I was busy.


Then he asked me "Is mom cheating on you again?" That's where lies have gotten us.

So do what you have to do. Fix what you have to fix. But lies kill this relationship.

18 months out. 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity. Where are you at now that 18 months have gone by?

I appreciate the email, and the words. But I have gotten really nice emails before. Words are not the same as actions.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
DWBH
♂ 35512
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB, not harsh at all, IMO. I think you were very articulate in stating the facts, and what you need (actions) to start feeling safe with her again.

She needs to understand there is no such thing as a small, or harmless lie, anymore. This one seems so pointless, too... what was she trying to accomplish with this? Was she just trying to weasel out of ignoring your texts, or did she truly not hear the phone?

Ugh, I feel your pain and frustration.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 42 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice response, WB.

Even with my small lies, that are only meant to spare you more hurt

I might have missed this, but what "hurt" was she trying to spare you with the "my phone died" lie? Is she saying that she just wasn't sensitive to your need to stay in touch when she's out of town? Because not making sure her phone was charged, or not borrowing a friend's phone to check in with you, would be just as hurtful under the circumstances. I just find her justification kind of strange.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1498 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might have missed this, but what "hurt" was she trying to spare you with the "my phone died" lie?

I am not sure what "hurt" she was supposedly trying to spare me from. I wasn't questioning where she was...hell, I just wanted my neighbor's phone number, because I got a slice of Hawaiian pizza for his kid. I wasn't worried about where she was, AP lives in Alabama.

In my opinion, the lie about the phone being charged was just a knee-jerk reaction to her screwing up and not checking her phone for an hour and a half, when she knows that on work trips she agreed to be responsive to texts.

And that's the problem, she still resorts to lying as a first reaction to anything that could cause conflict. That's what makes her unsafe, that she can't commit to being honest. Even when she knows that the lies cause horrendous damage, she is still willing to risk tremendous damage instead of causing any conflict.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J

I wasn't worried about where she was, AP lives in Alabama.
Darn it, he moved. Now I can't run him off the road next time I drive thru Nashville.

T/J over.

In all seriousness, I'm sorry for this little turn of events. I think that your email reply to her was very good. Direct.

Watch her actions Bro. Of course you already know that.

She still in IC?


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
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