So it bothers me when I read what people write, believe what they say, hope for them, send good thoughts, try my best to provide helpful input and then find out that they've been lying to us all along.
More than anything and anywhere else,the "security" of anonymity should surely enable people to tell the truth HERE right?
The lesson learned for me is to not be overly invested in the outcome for someone that I don't even know.
Edited: Since I did not mean to offend anyone, I've tried to make my post less offensive.
[This message edited by iggyD at 2:39 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
I'm not sure what your goal here is except to possibly make that person feel worse and even more unwelcomed here.
At least she had the guts to tell us all the truth, but after this vent thread, I'm not so sure she'll ever come back for the help she needs.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I feel this way as well. Especially for BS's, many of whom have already been lied to and gas-lighted beyond belief. We all want to believe we can come here for honesty - whether it's to tell the truth or hear the truth.
I can only think of 2 reasons to lie to anonymous people:
1) You're a pathalogical liar. You just have to.
2) You're afraid your WS/BS is reading your posts, so you "edit" (or outright lie) to protect yourself.
Not saying it's okay, just offering a response to a problem I don't like any more than you do.
ETA: Crap - are we talking about someone specific?
[This message edited by krazy8516 at 1:20 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
That being said, the fact that the person appears to be coming clean is a step in the right direction. Baby steps.
ETA: DS, Iggy can speak for herself, but I think this is the goal "Lesson learned for me to not be overly invested in the outcome for someone that I don't even know."
She makes a good point. You do have to take everyone who posts on here at their word and well, people are people, right?
But I would focus on this - the only reason we know a person has been lying on SI is the fact that they chose to finally come clean! Even anonymously that takes some guts.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:29 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
Why Lie? It's self preservation. And for many of us, it's deeply, deeply ingrained in us. It's not something that is changed over night.
It takes a lifetime to develop crappy coping mechanisms and it's going to take more than a week or a couple months to correct them. Hence the 2-5, but more likely 7 year healing timeline post infidelity. And even then, it's butt-busting work. For some, it takes longer than that.
I was a member of SI and broke NC with AP. I knew better. I read here every frickin' day. But I broke NC in a last ditch effort to "get closure". (which was a crock) I needed a fix because I was swimming in absolute chaos. Post Dday, in all the trauma, 30 days is beans in the broad scope of actual healing. I needed a fix. So I "reached out".
Didn't tell anyone here for months afterwards. Why? Fear of judgment and "Dear God, are you not listening to us!? Are you really that stupid!?" Thankfully, there were some WS that "got it" and knew what it was like. They guided me and pushed me to look into why I broke NC.
I applaud anyone who has the nerve to say, "You know what? I've been lying." As someone who has had to do that, it's terrifying to admit to. Anyone who can verbalize the truth, it's a step in the right direction.
I've found myself emotionally invested in individuals here so I understand where you're coming from. I have had to step back because I realize I have more than enough skeletons in my own closet to mess with. I don't need to take on anyone else's baggage too. Not saying at all that's the case for you. Just speaking for myself.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
If I am sitting here for months on end trying to sort through whether or not to R or D with a total douchebag I am not going to be very judgmental of anyone else.
Maybe speaking up here took a lot of courage that will lead to something wonderful for this person?
We have to keep in mind that even though a poster may be anonymous to us, their spouse, or a friend might know of their identity and they may govern their posts accordingly.
IggD, it is a good thing that you try to help people, but maybe not such a good thing to become so emotionally invested in an anonymous poster that you take their weaknesses personally. I know when I get too emotionally involved it is usually a sign that I'm really avoiding something in my life that I should be taking care of.
I'm not saying that is the case with you, but certainly worth thinking about.
Wishing you the best!
ETA: Change to -> too
[This message edited by alphakitte at 1:47 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
My FWH got whipped with willow switches for telling the truth about somethings and whipped again for lying about other things as a child.
He had to learn how to protect himself no mater who it's with and it has followed him throughout his life.
I had thought we were all through that years ago but obviously with the A he still has deeply set mind games.
Thank you for your response. Like iggyd. I was trying to figure out how to post here about why people lie but didn't want to express who. But i wasn't so much offended that the person did lie to us, but was wondering why. To give me some insight into my own problems with WH.
So thank you.
I do hope you keep investing your help and thoughts. It reminds me of the SI adage: "You have to let go of the outcome." Everyone's journey and the length of time it takes to fix themselves can vary. IMO, when we give our time to help, encourage, and hope for them, it helps to sort out our own feelings and thoughts too.
Consider what the lying is doing to the S/SO and to themselves and how painful that must be for their R.
It's also a good reminder to all of us that we are only ever getting one perspective, one story, one truth and the honest to goodness truth can't be known for sure. The risk of joining an anonymous online community is people are not always who they present themselves to be. There is no way to *trust but verify* with an online persona.
I another way I can understand that maybe this person is trying to change but just isn't there yet. I have to say I respect those who honestly say that they can't move away from their AP yet. It helps me understand the struggles my H went through.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Everybody here has to go through a process- and it's a different process for all of us. We each take it at our own pace.
The WS who comes on here and comes clean about everything right out of the gate is exceptionally rare. EXCEPTIONALLY RARE! So, I don't expect it from them. As a result, I don't experience a let down when I see that someone has lied again. I actually see it as progress when a new/old lie is revealed. It means they are working through their stuff.
Married 2.5 years
We remarried in 2014
Everyone - thanks for the gentle reminders that I'm not perfect and to "not be judgmental". Your point was received and you're absolutely right. I do have enough to worry about just taking care of me.
Again, sorry for going off the rails today.
It's not really about anyone here. It's about the internal battle I had with myself. My need to protect myself. I was already "the bad guy", why in Grimm's name would I fess up to breaking NC? Ya know? I wanted to do everything within my power to protect what little shred of "dignity" I had.
Confessing it, even on an anonymous message board made it real. If I had to voice (or type) it, I had to acknowledge it, and I had to change it. And that's incredibly scary. It meant facing the demons.
We all have off days Iggy. Take a deep breath.