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wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 13:46 PM

I had an affair with my husband's best friend. It is deplorable and sick. It wasn't even worth it. It didn't last long. It was just a few awkward days of no pleasure and it was just plain stupid. My husband found out and I lied about it at first. I wanted to tell him but I knew it would tear my family apart and hurt him.
We have gotten through the confession and investigation stage. The truth is out and everyday is a struggle but that's to be expected.
Now, my husband wants me to give him permission to have a one night stand with a random woman and he wants me to set it up. I feel like I should want to because he wants it to be equal and he wants me to feel his pain. That is absolutely fair but I just don't know if I can do it. He says that he most likely won't do it and if he did he wants me fully involved. It's very confusing. The problem is that we would be dragging another person into this and women tend to get emotional when physically connected so even if there was an understanding emotions are hard to get past. I've been there before. I'm afraid of two things specifically. She would get attached to either one of us and we don't want that and it would start a whole new dramatic situation. I would always feel like we used someone who is just trying to "help us out" like she's a hooker and we don't want that. The second thing is I don't know just how I would respond. I can say right now because it hasn't happened that I would have to be understanding and I would be cool with it. I am afraid, however, that the minute she stepped into my house or hers with the intention of having sex with my husband I would at best back out and at the worst be absolutely awful and maybe even violent to her. I am in a quandry because he says this is the only way to work this out. I don't think it's a good idea but I want to save my marriage.

Aubrie posted 8/28/2013 13:59 PM

Welcome to SI.

I feel like I should want to because he wants it to be equal and he wants me to feel his pain.
Here's the problem with this theory. If you have a warning of him cheating on you and getting a "free pass", once he sits back and looks at it, it's not the same. Because see, you blindsided him with your A. You have a warning. So it's not going to have the desired effect of devastation for you that he's hoping for.

And here's another thing. If he does cheat and you guys are even and you're legit ok with it, he's going to be pissed cause you're not in the floor sobbing and crying because he screwed another woman. Does that mean he gets to cheat 4 or 5 more times to make it more even? And what if he goes EA too? He gets emotionally entangled with a girl? Doesn't that mean his is more devastating than your A which had no emotion? So then do you get to have an EA too? Then it'll even it up?

I know a lot of BSs think they should get a "free pass" because their WS did. But honestly, that's because they are deficient in their own souls. Do they really think that sleeping with someone else will take their pain away? Yeah, no. Them having an RA shows they have just as much wayward thinking as their WS.

If my husband honestly thought that him having an affair too would "heal our marriage", I'd tell him to hit the door Jack and don't come back. Not even kidding. If my 4 affairs didn't fix a broken marriage, I assure you, my husband screwing a woman or 4 isn't going to even up the score and fix it either.

You are allowed to have boundaries. As a WS, we don't always think we are. But lack of boundaries is part of what got us in this mess to begin with. It's perfectly ok for you to stand up for yourself. Know your boundaries. Know your consequences if those boundaries are crossed.

ETA: My apologies if I'm talking in circles. Been one of those days.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 1:59 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

stupidgurl posted 8/28/2013 13:59 PM

Don't do it. It will not make things even, it will make them worse.

He feels empty right now and alone, he thinks he needs to make things even but that is the wrong idea. The only thing that can build him back up is your shows of remorse, affection (what he is comfortable with), and you working on yourself and NEVER doing that to him again.

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 14:03 PM

That's what I keep thinking. I just don't really think it's going to fix it. He wants to feel desired but he's just not that kind of person. He wouldn't be able to do it. I think he wants me to want to but I can't in all honesty do it. The whole thing is so twisted. He has even expressed a desire to watch me with another man to reassure himself that it's just sex. But again, I don't think that would solve anything. It would just make everything worse.

Aubrie posted 8/28/2013 14:06 PM

Yes, it would make it worse.

What are you doing in this healing process? What have you been doing to make him feel safe? Are either of you in counseling?

You might want to read up on the Healing Library. (yellow box on the left)

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:06 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 14:06 PM

He also thinks that if I let him do it that I will never do it again but if I don't I will keep doing it. I could never do it again. It tore my whole family apart.

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 14:07 PM

I have been looking for a counselor and trying to comfort him the best I can. I give him sex whenever he wants it and make sure he knows where I am at all times. I tell him how amazing he is and how awful what I did was. I'm not just saying those things. I truly mean it.

Aubrie posted 8/28/2013 14:13 PM

He also thinks that if I let him do it that I will never do it again but if I don't I will keep doing it.
That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

So you're looking for a counselor, trying to comfort your BS, and are transparent. Those are all good things.

Basically the best thing you could ever do is start looking at yourself internally. Dig into why you allowed yourself to cheat. Look at your thought processes, your choices, all that. Correct the faulty things within you. Change your coping mechanisms. Make healthy choices.

It's a big scary undertaking, but I assure you, it's worth it in the end. I'm halfway thru my journey and so far, so good.

ETA: Also bumped up three threads in the forum for you to read.

1.How much does my BS hurt

2.Things that every WS should know

3.The Lifeboat

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:17 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 14:29 PM

I am definitely looking at why I did it and I am just at the beginning. Neither one of us will ever finish our journeys or get any further if we allow this to happen. It will end up in a stalemate and we will end up hating each other and nothing will work out. I may have to leave if he persists in this because we have two children and this is not healthy. I simply can't put aside what I know to satisfy this twisted perspective.

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 14:35 PM

I just told him I wouldn't do it. He thinks I'm being selfish but I'm really looking at reality. Life is not like a movie where things like this may work out. They never do. It always makes things worse.

Aubrie posted 8/28/2013 14:38 PM

Does your husband know about SI? If so, have him go down to the I Can Relate forum. There's a thread there for Madhatters.

Madhatters are spouses who are both betrayed and wayward. They wear both hats.

I assure you if he reads that thread, he'll see the agony of the situation and see firsthand that being cheated on sucks, but also being the cheater sucks even more. Being both doesn't make it easier. It makes it even more intensely hard.

Best of luck.

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 14:46 PM

He's going to get a petition for divorce on Monday. He said it was the only way and since I'm not open to it it's not going to work. We were working things out when him sleeping with someone else was not a part of it. He is not willing to do it any other way so I will let him go.

Aubrie posted 8/28/2013 14:51 PM

Wow, that's a bummer.

There's another WS on here who's BS demanded for her to have a threesome in order to even the score and help him move thru the pain of his betrayal. What!? That BS? Yeah, he's a full blown, non-remorseful WS now. He's cheating. And doesn't care. And feels completely justified because he was cheated on first. Sad really.

I hope you stick around here regardless. You can learn a lot from everyone here. This place has been a lifesaver for me.

You cannot control him or his choices. And yes, that is scary. But you can and will survive. You have debased yourself by having an A. You do not have to debase yourself even further by allowing your husband his own grins and giggles in the name of "fairness".

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:51 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

JustDesserts posted 8/28/2013 15:33 PM

He is not willing to do it any other way so I will let him go.

Time to focus on you. I know there are precious few times us Wayward's can claim we're taking the high road in comparison to ANY Betrayed, but this might just be one such time in relation to your husband. Something warped and twisted inside him has been unleashed, and he is putting irrational thoughts and demands onto your marriage that he expects you to find rational. You don't, and you shouldn't.

Is there any way to document his "special request" of you? You might just need it if he follows through. is a rough day all around here on the Wayward side. I'm sure Betrayed's would say "Welcome to our world".

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 16:20 PM

It's a discussion we had on Facebook so yes I have all of the demands. He believes I either let him do it or he is a cuckolded pussy. I kept telling him there has to be a healthier way. He says there is absolutely not. I just can't let this happen. Besides if he really does file for divorce I will have to bring it up in court and things get really nasty.

uncertainone posted 8/28/2013 16:48 PM

Honestly, I don't think this has anything to do with "revenge sex". I'd bet high this has been a fantasy for more than just a minute and now he feels he has the leverage to not just request it but to require it.

I don't know any background so I could be off. I do feel that while there are some commonalities on both sides there are also situations that don't fit the "usual" narrative.

I totally understand the cuckhold thing however, arranging a threesome (I'm guessing that's what was meant with you'd be "involved") that's kind of the definition. Yeah, it would be with a woman but in the fetish community that's not limited to men. Mostly the woman is in the dominant role and that's what he's placing you in by having you pick out the woman and participate.

My ex had proclivities in this arena as well.

My thoughs are it's a win win for him as its punishing and fulfilling.

I'd focus on your choices, how and why you made them. How to fix the tought processes and continue to make healthy choices.

I'd be open, transparent, honest, and consistent in maintaining boundaries to ensure you do no further harm.

I wouldn't be litigating a divorce on Facebook. While I can understand this is an immediate concern it's easy to get distracted from the work when you're dealing with another's responses that are very destructive. Guilt unprocessed can really fuck with the whole thing too.

wishfulthinker posted 8/28/2013 22:09 PM

I had a very long discussion with him and I think I know what he's trying to do. I get it but its still not going to happen whether he intends to or not. I'm pretty sure I would strangle someone who even tried to touch my husband. I would have to leave if another man was involved. I would be too uncomfortable in either situation.

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