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Do all WS look to cheat before they do?

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Blackwidow posted 8/28/2013 14:05 PM

Hello all,
I am a WS, Dday was about 6 months ago. My BS has been kind enough to agree to work things out. I am so very ashamed of what I have done, and for the hurt that I have caused him; and destroying the trust and everything we had along with it. I am desperately trying to do everything I can to help him threw this healing process, while trying to better myself as well (I am a CA survivor and feel I have a lot of personal issues to work out, still).
My question is, my BS and I were talking the other night, and BS said that all WS are intentionally looking to cheat before the opportunity even presents itself. Is this really the case? While I definitely agree that WS's intentionally make the decision to cheat when they did, I do not remember intentionally thinking that I wanted to find a R with OP. Am I just being naive?

Thoughts are welcome.

authenticnow posted 8/28/2013 14:08 PM

Hi Blackwidow,

Welcome to SI. You will find the support that you need here.

I don't know if I was looking to cheat, but I do know that I definitely put myself at risk and was putting the signals out because of where I let myself go with my mindset. Instead of going to my BH when I had concerns and resentments building up, I found myself looking for fulfillment elsewhere, and talking to the wrong people about it. That led to an EA.

After my EA, I resolved nothing in ME, and I started behaving inappropriately and created toxic friendships, and allowed all my boundaries to break down, which led to multiple PAs.

So, while we may not plan to cheat, we definitely set ourselves up for it by behaving and thinking a certain way, kwim?

Blackwidow posted 8/28/2013 14:18 PM

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I definitely have to say that I set myself up for, and I willing stepped out of my marriage boundaries. I completely own that. This was just something that was on my mind; I felt I needed to know whether or not I was over-looking something, and if so, accept it.

Aubrie posted 8/28/2013 14:26 PM

I didn't "plan" on it. But like authenticnow said, I kind of set myself up for it. Instead of turning towards my husband, I turned away. Ended up in EA Central.

I took deliberate steps seeking validation, but didn't realize till too late that I was in full on cheater zone.

Guess it's kind of a yes and no answer.

Darkness Falls posted 8/28/2013 19:07 PM

I didn't go looking for it, but I had very lax boundaries and a desire for validation besides what I got from my marriage. I was open for the opportunity when it arose.

Clarrissa posted 8/28/2013 20:24 PM

I was basically the same as heartbroken. Very low self-esteem and looking for validation from someone other than myself or my H. I also tend to think abandonment issurs played a small part in it as well - "leave" my H before he could leave me, KWIM? But no, I didn't start out looking to cheat but I *did* choose to given the opportunity. It's called the slippery slope for a reason.

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/29/2013 07:34 AM

Are you in IC for your CA damage? It has helped me a lot.

I cheated deliberately, I signed up on Ashley Madison and had two EA/PAs.

Blackwidow posted 8/29/2013 07:57 AM

Thank you so much everyone, for all of your replys. heartbroken0903 and Clarrissa, I too have this issue. The more I have reflected on the whole situation, I realize that I am always looking for external validation, especially from men. I grew up with a very rough relationship with my father; really no relationship at all. Although he and my mother are still together, they hate eachother (I am not exaggerating). There was a lot of spousal and child abuse growing up; my father was an CSA survivor, that has never really dealt with any of his issues. As much as I know he did not want to repeat the pattern he grew up with, a lot of his "growing-up" seeped onto us, in how he dealt with us (especially myself).
My mother has also been a WS for years; there's actually quite a bit of doubt that I, the youngest of my mother's children, is even biologically my father's. I have often wondered if this is the reason why our relationship, especially was more rough than any of the other children.
My father and I have recently started a "superficial-relationship", since I had my son two years ago; before that, there was no acknowledgement that I existed, other when abuse occurred.

To answer your question 20WrongsVs1, I have done a lot of respressing, which I know is not going me a lot of good. I am finally acknowledging that I cannot pretend like things never happened, and that I need to work these things out.

Trying33 posted 8/29/2013 10:49 AM

It was not planned but AP often mentioned there were very clear signals that I would respond to any advances.

I knew what I was doing during the bantering. I was flirting and being inappropriate. I liked the attention. I thought I could control it and it would remain friendly. Instead I got hooked and it escalated into a full blown affair.

It started off by me using him for an "ego boost". I got attached. He said all the right things. I ignored any rational voices in my head. I justified and rationalised my way through 2 and half years of betrayal.

There was no intention as such but there was definitely an intention to escape my real life and go into a fantasy world.

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