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Hopeforredemptio posted 8/28/2013 16:57 PM

Have realized the damage I have done to myself over the years. I am not trying to sound selfish I have just been pondering this for a while. I know it pales in comparison to what I have done to my wife and our marriage, but I am a person as well. It was always a game, talking and flirting and sometimes sex. It never ever meant anything to me and for 15 yrs I was a serial cheater. We have had, of course our d-day, I began counseling to find out why I was a person I hated and never wanted to be. All of this has helped, we are still married and working, but I feel like our marriage, my wife and I are so damaged. So I am only going to talk about myself, not to be selfish, but just to lay this down , to articulate it. I look at myself everyday and say not today. I try to go to bed happy that I didnt cheat(pretty fucked up to be proud of that normality) but I constantly live in the cloud I have created for myself. My life was a lie. I always wanted to stop and "never again" but always did. I have no memories of my childres's childhood that aren't tainted. My oldest left for college and I literally cry myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT over the wasted time not being a father, husband. What do my kids consider normal in a marriage are they bound for the same failures? Why do I constantly hate myself? Isis redemption, the ability to be the person I want to be, achievable? I rad about the large number of marriages that end in divorce. Of those that try, almost 70% end in divorce by year 2. Found this online don't kill me if you find better numbers. I think I know why. I can't take it away. My wife is never happy and I am thenreasonnfir this. She can put on a smile, a fake laugh but it's always there, she tells me this all the time. A trip to the store brings up questions. I am not sure if I will ever get this guilt behind me. How can you build a marriage based on fear and guilt? I just feel hopeless today, part of my wonderful psyche. Thanks for listening to my rant.

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