I had my suspicions but when I asked him about who was this person, he said just someone on the bowling league. Then he had days when he was really "up" and happy and chatty--he's usually a quiet guy.
He went to a movie (I didn't want to see it) & when I asked if there were any good previews, he said they didn't have previews. I thought that was different, but I believed him, because we were married 31-going on 32-years.
He is a simple man, and believes people. We all call him Happy Hank. He was rear-ended once, they both pulled over on the side of the road, and the other guy said "let's go park up there" and so Happy Hank went to park, and the other guy sped off.
All that I didn't know: He sees this 46 yr old woman with her boyfriend at bowling league games. She flirts, Happy Hank flirts back. Their paths cross at bowling, but not every week. They exchange phone numbers.
The way he said it started: She calls and they talk now and then, but then she calls him and gives a boo-hoo sob story, she doesn't have quite enough money for her rent, could she borrow some?
Happy Hank feels like the Big Hero, helping out the pretty blonde Damsel in Distress with the fake boobs. He loans her money and they set up a time to meet somewhere up the coast 35 miles!
The meet in a parking lot and he gets into her truck, she drives somewhere and parks, he gives her the money, she says she really can't repay him, but maybe she can do something for him, and starts rubbing his thigh. Next thing he knows, she's giving him a handjob. Little Happy Hank works, and he likes it.
Personal aside: Husband & I have not had sex for over 25 years. I didn't marry him for sex because it wasn't all that good, it became increasingly unsatisfactory, even with doctor visits, even with therapy, even with the little blue pill and all it's pill cousins (which most often did not work), and I married a person who was honest and of good character and integrity--and he was, for 31 years. After the issues in the bedroom, where he eventually blamed me & then decided *that* was a BIG MISTAKE to blame me, he said he really didn't have much of a sex drive & was okay not having sex. Every year or so, I'd ask him if it was still okay to not have sex, or if he wanted to revisit that. He said he was okay not having sex. Intimacy can be found in other ways, inside a marriage, so I thought we were good.
Back to the story: About once a month, since last July, she'd call with a money problem--her cell phone bill, needing a new tire, and it was the same thing. She borrows money, can't pay it back, he gets a handjob.
The first time, I can understand as situational with him as a willing participant, but the other times, he made a deliberate decision to continue the behavior, hoping to get off by her, and lying to my face, planning his little outings, and betraying me and our vows over and over again.
I found out by intercepting a phone call by her when Hank was out. She sounded like she was trying to think fast and said she dialed wrong. I said her name came up in Hank's address book. It was fishy, so when Hank came home, I said I answered his phone, and talked with "skank" who told me everything, but I wanted to hear it directly from him. I was bluffing.
Hank sang like a canary. It was like being gut-punched for me. I figured out she was a hooker, who hung around the bowling league on Tuesdays, trying to earn some money. I asked Hank if she seemed prepared with a tissue and lotion. He said yeah. I asked if, as time went on, she escalated things from a handjob to oral sex, and he said yes. Then, I asked if she escalated things more by straddling him and opening her blouse (wearing no bra of course) & he said yes. That was to keep him interested and to keep the future money flowing. Oh, but he assures me they never kissed each other.
Happy Hank gets this look on his face, like the truth finally dawns on him--he was a wallet, not a secret boyfriend. He was in the fog and now has woken up.
...and there he was over a period of 8 months, driving 35 miles to sit or recline partially naked in the cab of a truck, in a parking lot or on a street that didn't have a lot of houses.
I lost it of course, and asked what was he thinking? He had a little something on the side? At 62 (bald and 65 lbs overweight), he thinks a 46 yr old slender blonde with fake boobs finds him fascinating? Would his parents or family be proud of him? What about his faith and religious beliefs and the vows he took? What would his friends say of this behavior? How could he just lie to me? Did he think he was never going to get caught? How did he think this was going to end?
He says to me "She sure was attractive." That's followed by "It sure felt good." He apparently felt he had to repeat those sentences to me at least twice more.
He had no answer about why didn't he mention to me that he'd like to have sex again.
I'm hurt and angry. I'm pissed that I ignored my intuition. I ask him if he wants to stay married, because if he does NOT, he needs to pack his bags and leave NOW--it'll be difficult for me, but I'll get over it and be fine, so just go if you think you have things better elsewhere. He says he wants to be married and he stays.
The trust is gone. Forever. I cannot see myself, after 31-32 years of trusting him and now being betrayed, how I'm ever going to get that back.
He is under scrutiny now, and we go most places together, or he goes with a friend in one car.
Happy Hank is in another bowling league now and any time his team plays the team where she attended with her boyfriend, he doesn't go and gets a sub.
Then the other day, he hands me this line of shit and says he was thinking about breaking it off with her. I come unglued and tell him not LIE to me again, and that's a crock of sh*t--he had no intention of stopping!
I tell him if he EVER lies to me again--about anything!-- or has any contact with her, he will be spending that night and the rest of his days somewhere else.
I do have concerns about how to protect myself and my assets. This year will be our 33rd year of marriage. Our assets and the house are in a Trust, but I do have a lot of my own earnings in a joint account. I had a better job, more responsibility and stress, and I'm a saver, while Hank loves to have fun, like season tickets to baseball, football, soccer, getting the newest latest greatest TV and sound system, etc.
Concern #1: I live in a community property state, but I earned every penny of that one joint bank account I keep, and Hank has his own separate account. He stands to gain A LOT of MY hard-earned money if we go our separate ways. I hope we don't go our separate ways, because I do love him and value what he brings to our daily life with easy companionship, doing the yardwork etc. I believe he made a colossal mistake (he is rather simple, as I mentioned), one that affects me more than him. I believe he regrets it--or perhaps regrets he was caught--I don't know.
It's been 6 months since I found out, and I'm still sad, but mostly now, I'm ANGRY at his doing this and lying to me and sneaking around. He doesn't act contrite--but how does one act contrite? I want him to beat himself up more, which is probably small of me, and to try and make it better for me because I'm the one betrayed and he did the betraying. I told him don't get me any cards for holidays or flowers, because he got me cards for my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's Day and all the while, he was seeing the slut, lying to me, thinking he was the Big Man helping out a pretty woman, and gosh he had a honey on the side, who really liked him, and gosh wasn't she pretty! I'm just a regular okay looking woman--no one would call me pretty--but I'm okay looking and my personality is great! Being in my early 60s, sagging a dragging and a bit tubbiness, doesn't help--I've seen pictures of this woman online (see next paragraph) and yeah, she's really pretty. I never looked that good even when I was in my 20s so my "looks" self-esteem was banged up a bit!
Oh and I did have her investigated. She IS a prostitute! She has a criminal record for prostitution! She has been in a federal jail for mail fraud, and she also works as an exotic dancer, and does "parties" where she will dress up as a school girl, nurse, pizza delivery girl, etc. and she has photos posted of herself online, topless, partially clothed, and in suggestive outfits. Way to go, Hank.
Concern 2: Happy Hank's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. Do I do anything (the only thing I really would be willing to do is to take him and his best friend--who doesn't know--out for lunch or dinner) ? Do I acknowledge it at all? Do I get him something? I don't want to get him anything.
Professional hooker or not, Hank's choices were a continued betrayal of my trust. It was him actively & deliberately choosing to lie to me and sneak around, and it was the sex too. I am SO glad I found this site. The only person who knows is my sister, and she just tells me to take a pill so I can deal with this better.
I'm Hoping2B ... better
[This message edited by Hope2B at 6:17 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
