"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Hope2B posted 8/28/2013 18:09 PM

I had my suspicions but when I asked him about who was this person, he said just someone on the bowling league. Then he had days when he was really "up" and happy and chatty--he's usually a quiet guy.

He went to a movie (I didn't want to see it) & when I asked if there were any good previews, he said they didn't have previews. I thought that was different, but I believed him, because we were married 31-going on 32-years.

He is a simple man, and believes people. We all call him Happy Hank. He was rear-ended once, they both pulled over on the side of the road, and the other guy said "let's go park up there" and so Happy Hank went to park, and the other guy sped off.

All that I didn't know: He sees this 46 yr old woman with her boyfriend at bowling league games. She flirts, Happy Hank flirts back. Their paths cross at bowling, but not every week. They exchange phone numbers.

The way he said it started: She calls and they talk now and then, but then she calls him and gives a boo-hoo sob story, she doesn't have quite enough money for her rent, could she borrow some?

Happy Hank feels like the Big Hero, helping out the pretty blonde Damsel in Distress with the fake boobs. He loans her money and they set up a time to meet somewhere up the coast 35 miles!

The meet in a parking lot and he gets into her truck, she drives somewhere and parks, he gives her the money, she says she really can't repay him, but maybe she can do something for him, and starts rubbing his thigh. Next thing he knows, she's giving him a handjob. Little Happy Hank works, and he likes it.

Personal aside: Husband & I have not had sex for over 25 years. I didn't marry him for sex because it wasn't all that good, it became increasingly unsatisfactory, even with doctor visits, even with therapy, even with the little blue pill and all it's pill cousins (which most often did not work), and I married a person who was honest and of good character and integrity--and he was, for 31 years. After the issues in the bedroom, where he eventually blamed me & then decided *that* was a BIG MISTAKE to blame me, he said he really didn't have much of a sex drive & was okay not having sex. Every year or so, I'd ask him if it was still okay to not have sex, or if he wanted to revisit that. He said he was okay not having sex. Intimacy can be found in other ways, inside a marriage, so I thought we were good.

Back to the story: About once a month, since last July, she'd call with a money problem--her cell phone bill, needing a new tire, and it was the same thing. She borrows money, can't pay it back, he gets a handjob.

The first time, I can understand as situational with him as a willing participant, but the other times, he made a deliberate decision to continue the behavior, hoping to get off by her, and lying to my face, planning his little outings, and betraying me and our vows over and over again.

I found out by intercepting a phone call by her when Hank was out. She sounded like she was trying to think fast and said she dialed wrong. I said her name came up in Hank's address book. It was fishy, so when Hank came home, I said I answered his phone, and talked with "skank" who told me everything, but I wanted to hear it directly from him. I was bluffing.

Hank sang like a canary. It was like being gut-punched for me. I figured out she was a hooker, who hung around the bowling league on Tuesdays, trying to earn some money. I asked Hank if she seemed prepared with a tissue and lotion. He said yeah. I asked if, as time went on, she escalated things from a handjob to oral sex, and he said yes. Then, I asked if she escalated things more by straddling him and opening her blouse (wearing no bra of course) & he said yes. That was to keep him interested and to keep the future money flowing. Oh, but he assures me they never kissed each other.

Happy Hank gets this look on his face, like the truth finally dawns on him--he was a wallet, not a secret boyfriend. He was in the fog and now has woken up.

...and there he was over a period of 8 months, driving 35 miles to sit or recline partially naked in the cab of a truck, in a parking lot or on a street that didn't have a lot of houses.

I lost it of course, and asked what was he thinking? He had a little something on the side? At 62 (bald and 65 lbs overweight), he thinks a 46 yr old slender blonde with fake boobs finds him fascinating? Would his parents or family be proud of him? What about his faith and religious beliefs and the vows he took? What would his friends say of this behavior? How could he just lie to me? Did he think he was never going to get caught? How did he think this was going to end?

He says to me "She sure was attractive." That's followed by "It sure felt good." He apparently felt he had to repeat those sentences to me at least twice more.

He had no answer about why didn't he mention to me that he'd like to have sex again.

I'm hurt and angry. I'm pissed that I ignored my intuition. I ask him if he wants to stay married, because if he does NOT, he needs to pack his bags and leave NOW--it'll be difficult for me, but I'll get over it and be fine, so just go if you think you have things better elsewhere. He says he wants to be married and he stays.

The trust is gone. Forever. I cannot see myself, after 31-32 years of trusting him and now being betrayed, how I'm ever going to get that back.

He is under scrutiny now, and we go most places together, or he goes with a friend in one car.

Happy Hank is in another bowling league now and any time his team plays the team where she attended with her boyfriend, he doesn't go and gets a sub.

Then the other day, he hands me this line of shit and says he was thinking about breaking it off with her. I come unglued and tell him not LIE to me again, and that's a crock of sh*t--he had no intention of stopping!

I tell him if he EVER lies to me again--about anything!-- or has any contact with her, he will be spending that night and the rest of his days somewhere else.

I do have concerns about how to protect myself and my assets. This year will be our 33rd year of marriage. Our assets and the house are in a Trust, but I do have a lot of my own earnings in a joint account. I had a better job, more responsibility and stress, and I'm a saver, while Hank loves to have fun, like season tickets to baseball, football, soccer, getting the newest latest greatest TV and sound system, etc.

Concern #1: I live in a community property state, but I earned every penny of that one joint bank account I keep, and Hank has his own separate account. He stands to gain A LOT of MY hard-earned money if we go our separate ways. I hope we don't go our separate ways, because I do love him and value what he brings to our daily life with easy companionship, doing the yardwork etc. I believe he made a colossal mistake (he is rather simple, as I mentioned), one that affects me more than him. I believe he regrets it--or perhaps regrets he was caught--I don't know.

It's been 6 months since I found out, and I'm still sad, but mostly now, I'm ANGRY at his doing this and lying to me and sneaking around. He doesn't act contrite--but how does one act contrite? I want him to beat himself up more, which is probably small of me, and to try and make it better for me because I'm the one betrayed and he did the betraying. I told him don't get me any cards for holidays or flowers, because he got me cards for my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's Day and all the while, he was seeing the slut, lying to me, thinking he was the Big Man helping out a pretty woman, and gosh he had a honey on the side, who really liked him, and gosh wasn't she pretty! I'm just a regular okay looking woman--no one would call me pretty--but I'm okay looking and my personality is great! Being in my early 60s, sagging a dragging and a bit tubbiness, doesn't help--I've seen pictures of this woman online (see next paragraph) and yeah, she's really pretty. I never looked that good even when I was in my 20s so my "looks" self-esteem was banged up a bit!

Oh and I did have her investigated. She IS a prostitute! She has a criminal record for prostitution! She has been in a federal jail for mail fraud, and she also works as an exotic dancer, and does "parties" where she will dress up as a school girl, nurse, pizza delivery girl, etc. and she has photos posted of herself online, topless, partially clothed, and in suggestive outfits. Way to go, Hank.

Concern 2: Happy Hank's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. Do I do anything (the only thing I really would be willing to do is to take him and his best friend--who doesn't know--out for lunch or dinner) ? Do I acknowledge it at all? Do I get him something? I don't want to get him anything.

Professional hooker or not, Hank's choices were a continued betrayal of my trust. It was him actively & deliberately choosing to lie to me and sneak around, and it was the sex too. I am SO glad I found this site. The only person who knows is my sister, and she just tells me to take a pill so I can deal with this better.

I'm Hoping2B ... better

[This message edited by Hope2B at 6:17 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Williesmom posted 8/28/2013 18:59 PM

((hope)). I'm sorry that you're here.

First off, don't acknowledge his birthday, he needs to earn his way back into your life.

Please see an individual counselor, as well as a marriage counselor.

He needs to figure out why he did this.

Hang in there. Take each day as it comes, and be sure to eat and drink.

heartache101 posted 8/28/2013 19:14 PM

Hope2B

I would move your money 2 a separate account with just your name. So he doesnt have accessbto YOUR money.

Sign yourself up for counseling.

He needs to know why he flushed his self respect down the drain. I wonder how many of those older men she got off for $?

So does he now want sex? Obviously so why not with you?

He needs counseling too.

hard_yards posted 8/28/2013 19:27 PM

Wow, hugs honey, lots of hugs.

I'm so ANGRY too, but for you.

Infidelity aside,how dare he dictate your sex life, for the rest of your life, how does someone do that? How could he possibly think that was okay?

You have a lot to deal with, please understand that at no point is any of this your fault. Whatever issues there were in your marriage, nothing gives one partner permission to cheat, lie and deceive. His infidelity is 100% on him.

Please also remember that it had nothing to do with you as a person or your appearance. She could have been anyone, looked like anyone... she was just available, made herself an option, appealed to the weakness in him. There are many folk who are household names that find themselves in exactly the same position as the members here do.

And with all due respect to your sister.... there's no pill available that will make this feel any kind of acceptable. It takes time, sometimes years and years of time, and then with no guarantee that it's not ultimately a deal breaker.

Right now, your first need is to take care of and protect yourself.

Please get yourself to a lawyer, a good lawyer, and find out what position you are in financially. Knowledge is power, this doesn't naturally mean you'll face divorce, just that you know what to expect if you find this is something you just can't R with.

Very important. Take your savings and put them in another bank, under your name only, hell, take half the joint funds too, just as you didn't know what he was up to before, you can't predict what he'll do going forward either.

As for his birthday... if you don't want to do anything, then don't. Our Wedding anniversary was one week after #2 D-day, I said the same, no cards, no gifts, nothing. It was not a time to celebrate anything, and would have been a sham.

Please keep posting honey, it really does help, there's almost always someone around who has dealt with the same type of situation and walked the same path.

Please take care of yourself.

momentintime posted 8/29/2013 00:49 AM

He wants to stay, have him sign a post-nup which states if you D he doesn't get to take half your money.

How does he feel now knowing he was used? Yeah she sure was pretty, but he was played. How does that go done for his ego. He sounds like he has fooled himself into thinking he mattered to her, was her KISA and that makes him feel good. He was just an easy mark for her. Hope he truly grasps that aspect of his A.

It will take time but you can rebuild. My H had his A 32 years into our M. We are 9 yrs out and doing fine, I even have trust. You have to go through it, not get over it.

Hope2B posted 8/30/2013 17:45 PM

Thank you all for your helpful replies. I hope that IC and MC can help him figure out why he did this & help us go on from here. As I mentioned, he's a simple man, and his answers often include "I don't know." The way I understand it is that "I don't know" usually means I DO know but am not ready or comfortable to say why.

We did try to reconcile sexually about a week after I found out. That was the same old, same old story that kept me 25+ years as a celibate. He apparently has a new pill that works sometimes.

He stacked the deck in his favor when he went to meet her after their first time, so he could get an erection. When we tried to have sex, even with this new pill, he still has performance issues of ED and PE, and the whole sex act is not satisfying to me, even when the pill did "work" enough for him to have intercourse.

That re-visiting sex as a married couple only lasted about a week or 10 days. The morning of the last time we considered doing it, I woke up and offered but he said he didn't feel like it...the next day, while driving to the store, I mentioned that I didn't want to push him, so if he felt like "doing it", please let me know, and then I added that it seems my sex drive isn't really what it used to be, so if he wanted to, it was fine, and it was okay if he didn't want to. At least when he was on top of me, the ONE time we had penetrative intercourse versus my giving him a handjob (the was the week following my finding out), thankfully it was over quickly after a few strokes, just like before in the early years of our marriage. He was squishing me so much that I hoped I wasn't going to throw up from the weight on me!

During those 25+ celibate years, I took care of my needs by myself, with myself. Frankly, it was a relief to not have to deal with the sexual tension and build up (he's pretty good at foreplay above the waist), only to be left high and dry and in tears while either he couldn't complete the act itself, or he had his PE so he got off but didn't much care if I did or if I ended up crying & frustrated.

He was played the first time he had sex with her, just as momentintime noted, but the other 7 times are all on him deliberately choosing to do it again and again, thinking he was pulling something over on me.

I am so thankful for this website and this forum. I've been so bereft since I found out, and feeling so alone, with no outlet for sharing my thoughts and feelings with others who understand.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:55 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Lionne posted 8/30/2013 19:03 PM

He wants to stay, have him sign a post-nup which states if you D he doesn't get to take half your money.

This...

I lived a sexless marriage for years. My SAfWH also couldn't perform with me, either couldn't get it going, finished immediately or couldn't finish at all. Turns out, he is a sex addict, had been for years. Sex to him was porn, lap dances, and finally encounters with pseudo hookers and their ilk. Sex with a loved partner with whom one should share intimacy on all levels is beyond the comprehension of these people. It's referred to as "sexual anoxeria."

I don't know if your WH had issues with porn or something else that got in the way of a normal sex life for you, but I wish I had known of this during the years I spent wondering and "taking care of myself."

I think you should protect yourself. AND get tested for STDs...

painpaingoaway posted 8/30/2013 23:55 PM

get tested for STDs...

Yes. Immediately. No more unprotected sex whatsoever until you are both tested and cleared. HIV testing will need to be repeated several times.

I believe your H is not naive at all. Sadly, we often come to discover there is/has been much more going on than we initially discover. I'm quite certain that your H has NOT gone without sex for the past 25 yrs.

I'm fairly certain he knew she was a hooker, and this is most probably NOT the first encounter with a prostitute.

Get tested immediately. This is serious business.

I am so sorry for your pain.

Stay strong.

brkn_heartd posted 8/31/2013 09:52 AM

Hope2B,
I can only imagine the pain you are going through. My H betrayed me at 26 years. The pain is undescribable, but takes much time, dedication from both partners. It has been 4 years now and I am in D season, but he is in the geographic area in which is AP lives and I am ok. It does get better.

You do need to get tested for STD's just in case. Not worth not knowing. His behavior must change to being remorseful. That takes times, it took my H a few months...regret vs remorseful is very different.

As far as birthdays, many approach it differently. I acknowledged special days, however he always knew what was in the card was how I felt. I gave a generic card, but not a normal mushy card. I acknowledged it as an acknowledgement of his humanity and my husband, not as a mushy I love you. He knew I didn't forget, but was angry. He got the point, but was appreciative that I recognized the joy of his birth...even if I was upset. I didn't do anything else special.

You need to give yourself time. MC and IC can be very helpful for the both of you. There is a book on the 5 languages of love. that might be helpful to identify what each of your needs are to demonstrate love. While sex has been perceived as not an issue, maybe it is more than has been stated. The book could help with that.

Marriage after this long can be saved, but sometimes it is a deal breaker. Only you can decide. We are now at our 30 years. Not totally healed but significantly better and the trust is better. Not 100% but better.

Take care of yourself!

Broken6 posted 9/7/2013 15:49 PM

Don't sell yourself short. Don't care what this whore looks like, she doesn't hold a candle to you. My oldest daughter knows of the A, and she made a comment that sticks with me, she said "mom, trust me this OW wasn't with him for his award winning personality and good looks". It was for money. I found emails from her to him, asking him to put money into her account. He bought her expensive gifts, and took her on first class trips. We as a family don't live that extravagantly, and he was certainly putting on a show for her. I think she thought she landed mr. moneybags. She is nothing but a gold-digger, a 46 year old tramp looking for a meal ticket and baby daddy for her daughter. I have brought this up in conversation with WH, I point out that for an intelligent man, he sure wasn't using his big brain. He cannot refute the emails where she asks him for money. God, was he that desperate for validation? You and Happy Hank have a rich history together, my gut tells me that although the road is a difficult one, you can both drive down it together and reach the finish line. He knows deep down that his trash is nothing but trash, and that you are a treasure. I think he will value you even more as a treasure as time goes by.