That hurt is just overwhelming sometimes. he's doing it all right now. He's doing everything I could ask for. the last time we talked I told him I just wanted some to stop doing things that hurt me. And he has.
I just don't know how that person that was can change into the person that is now. how to someone change so radically how does someone go from thinking its okay to have an affair to saying oh my god I see what a mistake that was I see how wrong that was?
I don't know if I can believe the new him. The real him as he claims it is.he's made me doubt myself and my judgment for so long that I don't know how to believe in him.I see the difference.its not just words its actions the actions are different, but the man is still the same.
Is this the result of the life altering eventthe A caused? Is this the real H? Can someone change so drastically?
[This message edited by Flatlined123 at 7:27 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
My H has gone so far as to say he doesn't even recognize himself in the A at this point, and it has only been 3 months since D Day.
I don't have a great answer other than to say that the affair was a crisis in our marriage. My H's coping mechanisms gave out, and he did a selfish, destructive, terrible thing.
I also have problems reconciling the person he is now with the person sneaking around, other than to know that his actions then weren't really about me. They were solely about him. He is working now to be the best husband he can be, and what I am getting now may be an idealized version of him. But, with therapy and a lot of introspection, I think the important parts can stick.
I feel closer than I ever have to him. I have to hope that there will be a strong pull for both of us to keep it this way. Of course, there is a lot of sh*t to work through, and a lot of bad days to come. A lot of hurt. But, we are all complicated people who, in the end, just want to be seen, loved and accepted for who we are. That's my belief. anyway.
This is not the man I married and so far it's for the good but I still question my sanity. It's like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and him go back to being a cold hearted selfish jerk.
[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 7:40 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
I think it's normal to think this. How can you trust that he's really changing? WHY is he changing NOW??? It sucks, but the catalyst to mr unfounds change was the discovery of the A. Do I wish it would have been some self awareness realization brought on by nothing more than his wanting to recognize his unhealthy behavior and change it? Sure. Would have saved us a lot of heartache and pain and MC costs for sure.
He still has the capacity to lie and feel no remorse. He still has the ability to lead a double life.
He may be sorry now for what he did, but he was still able to do it all. I guess I can only differentiate the actions (which are much improved). His lack of conscience and dishonesty still are a part of the whole of who he is.
He thought that her being married with kids of her own made her "safe".
He now looks back and realizes how sick that was, but what kind of person doesn't know that in the first place??
Who he is now and who he was then are a lot closer than who he is now and who I thought he was...There's a huge gap there.