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Her heart is closed

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noglamour posted 8/28/2013 19:53 PM

My wife and I were texting back and forth and she says that her heart is closed and that i will always be a liar and con artist to her.

This is tough, this is going to be a long road.

How can I show her that I'm changing?

I have started IC and have done some reading, but I don't even really see her.


TryingEveryday posted 8/28/2013 20:10 PM

Well, don't mean to sound harsh here but . . .

You did lie, and you did con. So, make up for that.

Want to change? Prove it to her.

Some reading? Do a buttload of reading. Even if you don't see her. It will make you a better person.

noglamour posted 8/28/2013 20:15 PM

I agree you 100%.
I'm staying at our business at not at our house.

What can I do to prove it to her?

What are things you did?

noglamour posted 8/28/2013 20:17 PM

Sorry, what are things your spouse did to prove to you?

1DumbHusband posted 8/28/2013 20:34 PM

That's really between you and your spouse. For me, I had to look at the way I behaved in the past. I looked at the ways I was selfish. I looked at my thought patterns and the actions that led to my A. I had to change myself first. I had to make a decision to change who I was and to focus more on my wife and kids. Instead of having 3-5 hobbies, I cut it down to one. Instead of spending money on myself (and said hobbies), I spend more now on my wife and kids. There's no single answer or anecdote. You have to take a good look at yourself and see what needs to be changed. That unfortunately is the easy part. Then comes making the change a reality and making it permanent. That's the part that will take you a looonngg time (perhaps the rest of your life). They get easier to keep up once you make a change and stick with it. Even though it's only been a couple months since DDay, I find my new life extremely rewarding and it's easier to shed those old habits or thought processes. But it's a lot of work and worth every bit of effort you put in!!!

noglamour posted 8/28/2013 21:00 PM

I will have to figure that out.
I dont see her that much and she does not want to R.

If we did not have our son, she said she would have moved away (different city or state)

wifehad5 posted 8/28/2013 21:54 PM

Well, don't mean to sound harsh here but . . .

TryingEveryday,

Wayward is not the place for a BS to try to not sound harsh. Wayward is a place for BS's to not be harsh period. Please reread the forum description and the top post in this forum.

1DumbHusband posted 8/29/2013 21:25 PM

NG: do the work to work on you. Read what you can, post/read on here. Try to find where your changes need to be. Then, when you do see your BS, show her you are changing. If you do the work, she'll see it. Beg (if needed) and show her how remorseful you are. Then keep doing it. I am still fresh and new here. However I realize I may be begging and working for the rest of my life...as I should in order to make my words a reality. The words of wisdom here will help and also give you strength in down times. I have leaned on it quite a bit!

badchoice posted 8/30/2013 01:15 AM

How can you show her you are changing? By making yourself a safe person for her.

What does that look like? It's different for everyone, but if she needs space, give it to her, offer support when ever you can, respect her boundaries.

You have a son, what are you doing to support her and him? Even if she doesn't want to see you, are you still seeing your son?

Good luck, I hope you find your way to R.

heforgotme posted 8/30/2013 12:36 PM

Within a couple of weeks of DDay, I could see that WH was grieving what we had lost as a result of this pretty much as much as I was. This was very helpful for me. It made me believe that his remorse was real and made me feel like we were fighting this together.

The other thing of course, was his actions. He backs up what he says with what he does.

Unfortunately, with you guys living apart, this becomes much harder to show her. The good news is that she will still text with you, so at least you have some form of communication.

As for her heart being closed, I'm sure she feels that way now, but may not feel that way forever. So, try not to lose hope.

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