SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Ashland13 posted 8/28/2013 20:34 PM

Many struggles towards healing live within my head and heart. Night and day I 'work' on things and think I am slowly starting to heal. The grief still ebbs and flows, the questions persist, but maybe aren't so important to solve anymore, depending on the topic.

A relative was talking about Perv today and asking some things about how I am doing and some things came to surface, so I wondered what any of you thought.

One of the things I spoke of was how much of my life Perv has ruined, completely, utterly destroyed. Down the street there is a lake and in it is this tiny, rocky island with a flag on it and nothing for miles. It kind of represents me in the world right now.

Anyway, one of the things that came up is that this talk was with one of the very few people who didn't know about the A before me. I count three people in the whole entire world who did not know about it besides me. Those are some of the only people I can tolerate being around right now, the others make me feel very antsy and like I have to get away.

So my long-winded post is to ask this: if you discovered someone in this predicament, the BS with a WS and they were unaware, that is, would you tell them what you knew?

What I find that stands out for me, is that two people had the courage to stand up and tell me what Perv was doing: one is a fellow BS and the other was OW "itself" (I think of her kind of like Gollum).

I could fill a novel with the excuses I've been given by the people who knew but didn't tell me and I don't buy any of them. Rather, I feel cheated out of the gift of truth and mocked or something I can't quite express. I feel very wronged that people made the conscious choice not to tell me when they had such important information about my life and my child's life...some knew for a long period of time.

A lot of this I am starting to put to rest, but the relatives and friends who knew I feel like they don't take me seriously now. I feel like, what else are they keeping from me? What else is going on that I don't know about?

Who else has secrets?

h0peless posted 8/28/2013 20:51 PM

Before I experienced it? I would probably express my disapproval to the cheater and look the other way. None of my business and all of that. Now that it's happened to me? I'd definitely tell.

For me, infidelity was an utterly life changing experience. It shattered so many of my preconceptions and gave me intimate knowledge of pain that I didn't know existed. I find it difficult to blame people who haven't been on the receiving end of the shit sandwich express because they really and truly have no way of understanding.

Ashland13 posted 8/28/2013 20:56 PM

Thank you, hopeless.

One person, that I know of, had it happen to her, too.

She's also a spouse who abandoned her spouse, in the same way that we were abandoned here.

devistatedmom posted 8/28/2013 21:14 PM

I cut out anyone that knew and hid it from me. They are not my friends. The only one that really hurt was my x's best friend and his wife. Her and I had become close; she FB messaged me the day after to offer her shoulder. I, however, didn't answer her, as I knew he was going to their place, and taking OW with him. The next day, she defriended me. Yeah. You weren't offering a shoulder. You wanted dirt to tell the OW. I met his bf the same night I met him. He was single for the first 12 years or so of our marriage; I called him my second husband, had him over many, many nights and holidays so he wouldn't be alone, fed him, he was special to my children. He came over to help my x move some stuff out. He tried to talk to me, I couldn't even look at him. I've never heard from him again.

I'll make friends with people that won't treat me like that, thanks.

Nature_Girl posted 8/28/2013 21:26 PM

As far as I know I'm not keeping anyone's secrets.

Dreamboat posted 8/28/2013 21:29 PM

My response is very similar to hopeless. Before this happened to me I took the Dear Abby advise of MYOB.

Not anymore. Dear Abby is full of shit.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/28/2013 21:38 PM

I knew of 2 cheaters in my life, and I told on both of them.

And after D-Day, when STBX told me of one his co-workers (who I was very much friends with, including his wife and their daughter) knew about the affair almost the whole time, I went on a rampage and de-friended tons of people on Facebook that might possibly have known.

I regret doing that now as that particular co-worker has turned out to be the only one I know of that knew, and I have since re-friended, apologized, and built a lot of those relationships back up to better than they ever were..

Friends or family, anyone that knew and didn't tell me would be dead to me now..

Housefulloflove posted 8/28/2013 22:06 PM

I was in a situation where I knew about an affair and the BS did not. My BIL (Ex's brother) was cheating on my SIL who 8 years later and 4 years post their divorce, is still one of my best friends.

Ex's whole damn family knew that BIL was a lying, cheating POS but I had no clue until BIL started telling me about an upcoming honeymoon he was planning. I naturally thought he was talking about a honeymoon with his WIFE since they never took one after they married less than a year from that conversation! But then he casually mentioned that he was talking about after he dropped SIL. SIL didn't have a clue that her husband was actively planning to leave her and their 2 children and start a new life with another woman.

His whole family knew and they ALL stuck their pathetic heads in the sand because that is what they do. Their family motto seems to be "If you ignore it, it ceases to exist."

After pleading with Ex to talk some sense into his brother or at least initiate a family sit-down with him, BIL and his parents to stop the madness, Ex's reaction was...nothing. Because that is his reaction to life. It wasn't his business, it didn't directly effect his life so why get involved?

I sat on that secret for about 24 hrs and couldn't take it anymore. I knew none of my in-laws weren't going to do a damn thing and I had spent that time talking to my SIL as she gushed about all the future plans BIL and her had coming up like her moving hundreds of miles away from her family to BIL's duty station. Did I mention they had a 3 year old and a NEWBORN BABY?

It was the first glimpse of my in-laws true colors and my first trip to the Twilight Zone where they all choose to reside. I could not wrap my brain around a family not giving two shits about each other and being willing to watch their "loved" ones ruin their lives and others as long as it didn't hurt them. (By the time Ex showed his true colors I already knew not to expect a damn thing from them!)

I sat SIL down and told her about the conversation that BIL and I had. She was devastated, BIL looked stone-faced and stupid as hell. All he did was give her a pathetic "sorry" with ZERO emotion before I left the room so they could talk. According to SIL that "talk" consisted of her talking and him saying "I don't know" to everything.

BIL was in the Airforce and so was the mistress so SIL had a hell of a lot of leverage in stopping the affair. She worked up the nerve to contact his command and they told him and his mistress that it was NC or a demotion/disciplinary actions. That affair ended but it wasn't the first nor the last. BIL is a serial cheater with NO conscience so he cheated like it was as natural to him as breathing.

BIL is a TEXTBOOK narcissist and I'm sure everything that wasn't SIL's fault was all my fault. However he NEVER said a word to me about anything that happened.

I have never and will never tolerate cheating. I think it's one of the most low-down, nasty and hurtful things a person can do to another. My opinion on cheaters/cheating was strong before I experienced directly myself but that may be because I saw the devastation and trauma that my mother went through and many other family members experienced due to being with a cheating asshole. If I could expose them all, I would!

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 10:08 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

peridot posted 8/28/2013 22:51 PM

I would have said something before all this happened to me and I still would. There are people who knew he was cheating on me and said nothing. They aren't a part of my life anymore. I would have wanted to know so it's not something I would keep from another BS.

SBB posted 8/28/2013 23:34 PM

I cut out anyone that knew and hid it from me. They are not my friends.

THIS. I've also cut out anyone who has welcomed him and OW into their life. Not out of anger but just for me. I don't want to be friends with someone who can support that.

Even before all if this I was the kind that would tell. I've lost some friendships over it. I'd find it difficult to tell someone I didn't know eg if I knew the WS but not the BS. Post DD I would find a way to anonymously tell the BS even if I didn't know them.

Many tried to talk to me about how unhappy I was. One of his friends knew but didn't tell me. The sad clown is his boss, OWUmpteen their office gopher. I understand it is tricky so I don't judge him - I just don't want a thing to do with him. I am still friends with his wife on FB - I helped her a lot with her new baby. Just after DD she called and the first thing she said was "I promise you I did not know any of this stuff was going on - he knows that if I knew I would have told you". I don't believe her completely because his job would have been at risk but I also had empathy for the position she was in.

The others who knew and spent time with me and enjoyed my hospitality and company whilst helping him hide this from me? I am happy to throw them out along with the sad clown. Good riddance.

Phoenix1 posted 8/29/2013 00:20 AM

Luckily none of our mutual friends knew about any of the affairs, he was a master at taking them underground and he never would have trusted anyone not to rat him out.

Having said that, I would absolutely tell a BS if I knew something. I abhorre secrecy unless it is for something good (I.e., surprise party) and that is something I promised myself would never be a part of my life again if I could help it. I would not want anyone else to suffer the kind of pain secrecy caused me.

Must Survive posted 8/29/2013 00:28 AM

I have never had the knowledge of an affair, but if I did I would have informed the BS. It may have taken me some time, but now that I have lived(barely) through this, it would take less than a day to inform BS.

I have also cut out all friends that think it is ok to support STBXH and his whore. And really, I guess you can't call them friends, can you? That includes all and I mean ALL of his family. When his mother said to me she couldn't stop who he brought over to her house, I was done. No one in his family is welcome anywhere near me or my home.

After learning sooooo much more about how his family has had multiple affairs, alcohol and drug problems, and mental health, they are not people who I or my family need to be around.

keptmyword posted 8/29/2013 01:14 AM

Yes, I would tell - especially if children were involved.

My children's lives were permanently changed. They are from a broken home now. They do not have the foundation and strength of an intact family unit. I might have been able to save it if the complete fucking cowards that knew about my XWW's adultery would have told me. Hell, all one of them needed to do was leave me an anonymous letter to tip me off.

But no, they were ALL total fucking cowards who all have kids and watched my children be backstabbed and humiliated again and again.

I have burned the bridges with every toxic, dysfunctional, and hypocritical piece of shit that knew.

Ashland13 posted 8/29/2013 08:00 AM

What you've all posted rings rather accurate, thank you.

I think what it comes down to is courage. Many of the people who knew also knew that he was planning to leave permanently but did not tell me still. So this aspect also has several layers.

The people I speak of primarily are close relatives and they notice that I am far less chummy now than before. They have hurt me my whole life in various ways, but I think this one is the top of the cake.

While I know that life is full of deceit, this level of it I would not be able to keep inside, either.

I have a friend who lives pretty far away and I worry for her. She speaks as a BS does, she knows the lingo and is "working on me" while H is away in the military and I worry for her, for he is a mirror image of things Perv has done or said. It's so similar it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I did tell her as gently as I could that I was worried and why.

Now, this is also a man who's brought women home already and she has put up with it. She's holding on for the very same things I was and it aches to watch...yet to stand by and say nothing doesn't seem like a real friend.

To know information about someone's actual fate and not share it...is a lot to get past. The relatives on his side of course are coming from a different angle, but people I knew for a very long time. Now some of them wish to remain friendly, but it makes me queasy because I have an idea the magnitude of lies and some have spoken of having to accept OW at some point-when that happens, I simply cannot bear it.

How could anyone think it possible of someone to put themselves aside that much? (me).