SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

kecampbe posted 8/28/2013 21:21 PM

I'm currently separated. I moved out, got my own apartment and am feeling great. I dont see any future with him after all the horrible things he has done. I put up with it for so long that I finally reached my breaking point. He crushed my heart and our family. He would have to do some major life changes for me to even consider taking him back and I'm not sure what those would be....

I already went back after affair 1, and he was so sorry that he showed me his remorse by starting another affair 2 months after I moved back home.
I thought we would get better after I went back but theingd only got worse. My life with him became unmanageable.

So, my question is...when did you know it was time to file? How did you know? If you waited, why did you wait?

I think coming to closure more quickly might be better on me, my daughter and him but I also don't want to rush it for no reason.

Looking forward to hearing from others, thanks in advance!!

inconnu posted 8/28/2013 21:42 PM

Long story short, I filed after he left me for OW. He actually went to work one day and never came home.

The longer story is I went through several d-days, false R, finding the secret cell phone and offering him a divorce that day. All told it went on for 11 months from the day I found out he was cheating until the day he walked out on the kids and me. I wasn't really ready emotionally, but I knew I had to file for divorce to protect myself and the kids legally and financially. Not to mention, I was not going to be married to a man who could walk out on his kids without a good bye or explanation.

MovingUpward posted 8/28/2013 21:47 PM

I filed after nearly 2 years. Things kept getting worse and I was starting to lose the ability to be a parent on top of trying to be a husband. I hurt too much inside and her actions never spoke of R and even her words never did either. I think is she wasn't so chicken that she'd had file a year or so earlier. But she wanted me to be the bad guy. At that point I didn't care.

Phoenix1 posted 8/28/2013 22:01 PM

I gave him every possible opportunity to show me he wanted to fight for the family, and he never did. He ran away in March when I caught him at OW#3's house. I did everything I possibly could to save the marriage so I could be at peace knowing I tried my best and did not throw in the towel too early, but when he told me he could not assure me it would not happen again I knew it was over.

You will know in your brain, even if your heart tries to tell you otherwise...

TrustedHer posted 8/28/2013 22:13 PM

D-Day#1 was early January, 2009. I spent the next 3 months begging her to R.

D-Day#2 was late March, 2009. She had used those 3 months to begin a new PA with a new OM. She declined, in front of my IC, to commit to our marriage.

I filed. My health was in danger due to the trauma, and the continued exposure to STD's. Yes, we continued having sex. I may be gifted, but no one said I had common sense.

HurtsButImOK posted 8/29/2013 03:40 AM

I lied to myself and rug swept AP#1 through 6 because he was so very sorry and loved me so very much

AP#7 when he admitted that 'this time' it was sex, I couldn't lie to myself any more and was out of the house and the state within 2 weeks.

We were not married but still going through a legal financial separation. I started pushing for it first month I was out but was hoping to keep it amicable.

In hindsight I should have just filed in court immediately because 9 months later he is only now starting to play ball and I feel like it slowed my healing.

nomistakeaboutit posted 8/29/2013 05:04 AM

Filed 3 months after DDay. Smartest thing I ever did.

File when you're ready to divorce him.

eyesrnowopen posted 8/29/2013 06:05 AM

I just filed yesterday. 6 mo past DD. I reached my breaking point. He says he wants R but has not come clean with truth about 3 OW that I know about.

It is time to file when divorce becomes a necessary step in your healing process. I was afraid of divorce but now I'm educated and prepared.

I think for me it was the things he has done since DD. Lies, manipulation, still texting OW, things he done to our children and using them to get at me. The latest straw so to speak was the financial blackmail. Unless MC starts to take a positive turn he withdrew his paycheck. This man makes 3x more money than I do and won't even buy one back to school item because he has to get his own place to live.

People would say when your done, your done and you will know. I think for me, I have reached a point of realization that there is no going back. I'm beyond wanting to reconcile with this man. It is too late. I feel as good as I can about it. My kids and I will live on less but teaching kids the value of money is not a bad thing. I am no longer subject to his control and abuse. I realize once I file it will be for him war. I am prepared for battle.

[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 6:09 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 8/29/2013 07:13 AM

WS had moved out for supposed other reasons. One night, he came by the house, was yelling and screaming at me.

So I called the police and they said until there was a legal
separation on file, he was allowed to come and go as he pleased and they could only do something if he physically hit me.

Right after that I found out he was having the affair. I gave him 24 hours to tell me everything, get an appt with Mc, He didn't do it, so I filed.

7yrsflushed posted 8/29/2013 07:48 AM

I filed once I understood that STBXW was not capable or willing to even try to resolve her issues and would rather runaway from them which meant I would not be safe in the M. Rugsweeping was not an option for me. Unfortunately it took me almost 2 years to get to that point. Looking back I wish I had filed immediately, I would have been free right now if I had instead of still being in this 1 year waiting period.

Filing is one of those things that for some of us, we never want to do even though we KNOW it needs to be done. Going to see the lawyer and actually filing is the hard part. The L guides you through everything else.

whatdoto posted 8/29/2013 08:09 AM

I gave STBXWH 3 years to fix himself, go to counseling and make some major changes in his behaviors. He doesn't have it in him to do any of those. I finally had enough. Started up counseling again in April, and got my head and heart straightened out.

Filed on a Thurs morning, told him Friday morning and also told him "we aren't discussing anything anymore, I'm done".

I finally woke up and got out of my foggy ways of thinking; thinking I could change him, make him who I wanted him to be. Doesn't work unless they want to.

Not to mention the fact that he had an A with his brothers wife shortly before he met me. No one ever told me. My M was doomed from the get-go.

Good luck and hugs

Dawnie posted 8/29/2013 08:19 AM

D day #1 was 9/23/09

I accepted him back in the house Thanksgiving 2009 and he committd to NC and R. I told him that under no circumstances was he to have any contact with her, if he did I was done... he knew where I stood and that there was no turning back if that happend.

D day #2 came just a month later when my gut was screaming at me and I planted a VAR in his car. I recorded his conversation with the OW telling her how much he loves her and doesnt love me... boy this was news to me, he was telling me and our MC the same thing

After listening to the recording I was 1000% DONE... there was no doubt in my mind and I have no regrets in filing for D.

I think when you are done you just know it....

little turtle posted 8/29/2013 08:52 AM

For whatever reasons I had at the time, I waited a year after XH started cheating before I filed. I actually told myself, "I will file in a year if he is still cheating." I met with a lawyer very shortly after XH started cheating. I think at the time I didn't believe XH would be cheating for that long. I thought he'd wake up and realize what he was doing. In my state, you have to wait 6 months after filling before you can finalize a divorce if there are kids involved. My lawyer waited as long as he could before finalizing (because he knew I didn't really want a divorce, but felt that I had to divorce) and the divorce was final after 9 months. XH was still with OW at this time. Actually, he went back and forth from me to her. I ended up getting back together with XH after the divorce. In the end, I found out he was with OW again... and that was the last straw for me. I moved on and never looked back again.

Phoenix9572 posted 8/29/2013 09:11 AM

I am trying to finally face the facts after catching him soliciting call girls the other day. I also see that now that I've kicked him out he has wasted no time in contacting his "just a friend" to "talk".

meaniemouse posted 8/29/2013 09:28 AM

I think I probably knew when I caught him cheating the first time. But I didn't do it until 12 years later. I had a million reasons to wait, and they all seemed good at the time. But I think the reason I didn't go through with it then was that I just wasn't ready.

The decision is never easy and there is no reason to rush it. But when you know in your heart it's time, then it probably is. Trust yourself.

MyReturn2Me posted 8/29/2013 09:32 AM

They day after I found out I was able to sit, look him in the eye and tell him that I was going to divorce him.

Two years later we are finally getting to a settlement hearing.

All that time I "hoped" that he would pull his head out of his ass but alas he likes it there.

It has truly been the best thing that has happened to me. I am finally opening up to the friendships offered by other men, nothing serious but nearly every one has been a colossal improvement over Le' Douche.

I am like the tide, going out, a little at a time, but going out nonetheless!

Williesmom posted 8/29/2013 12:49 PM

I tried to R for 2 years after D-Day.

I knew it was time when the thought of being alone for the rest of my life was more appealing that the thought of being with him and his lies for one more day.

I have not regretted it for one second.

hexed posted 8/29/2013 13:12 PM

when I couldn't live without my self respect anymore.

when i decided being unemployed, broke and potentially homeless was less horrifying than putting up with drama, lies and insecurity with my X

GabyBaby posted 8/29/2013 13:55 PM

We'd been seperated mulitple times. The last time, we'd been apart for two years when I agreed to let him move back in.
One morning a few months after he moved back in, he left to go grocery shopping. Four hours later, he came home with 3 bags of groceries and a load of excuses. I went outside, checked his car, and found long hairs on the passenger seat that did not belong to me. I told him to get out.

He found an apartment and moved out a month later.
However I didnt file until a year later, since I needed to stablize financially and allow the kids some time to adjust as well.

For me it wasnt a matter of knowing if I would file, but rather getting my ducks in a row in order to file.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 1:57 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

tennispro posted 8/29/2013 15:15 PM

When he admitted to cheating. That was my one and only deal-breaker. (well, aside from physical abuse which was never an issue).