Y'all....
I stayed awake last night long enough to have a good ole bawl fest. I mean hard crying, until my head was all swollen and my eyes were red. Every comment here has moved me and I love you all for it.
Something has cracked and between being exhausted and having emotions pulled to the surface, I have cried quite a bit in the last 24 hours. That is not necessarily a bad thing. I tend to have a lock on the vulnerable side.
I second and third guessed my decision today. Of course there were plenty of people who believe I should not have allowed him to quit. That I let him "give up." DS will encounter some of this as well, and he knew it when he was trying to decide.
Kajem,
I have returned to your words over and over. THANK YOU. Because this is the place I need to be with my son. I do not want to put him in a place to "fake" sick or injury to get out of something he doesn't want to do. I don't want him to fail to try next time because I have taught him that trying is committing.
He did not quit. Quitting would be sitting out after the first mile run. Maybe he was saving face or peer pressure made him keep going but he kept going.
And I watched him struggle with what to do. He did not just decide it was too hard. At one point he said, "I want to quit, but I might need to see it through." He agonized over this decision and it was hard to watch!
We talked about tough choices being a part of growing up. And DS9 muttered he might just want to stay 9...
I work with teens. I know that we are delusional if we (adults) think we can control them. The best we can do is model, inspire, bribe, and lay the groundwork for smart choices. We can talk and listen. We can form relationships that involve respect and caring and a desire to live up to the person we think they are. And then trust/pray/hope they make smart choices.... most of the time, in the face of very challenging counter influences.
All in all, what to do about a soccer team tryout is a low risk place to let him learn some independence. To see what making a hard choice for yourself feels like.
DS was well aware what my choice for him would have been. It sparked a deep concern that I would be disappointed in him. I got the chance to tell him that I would love him no matter what choice he made. It really was his choice to make. I made sure he had all the angles, had considered the risk/benefits as I saw them.
I picked him up after school today. He thanked me for letting him decide for himself. I asked him what he would tell the coach if he asked why he didn't come out today? DS said, "the truth." I asked what the truth was. "I didn't think I was ready." Interesting truth. And not what DS is prepared to give his father. His first choice is to avoid it. His second is to say he didn't make the team. His third choice is to say he didn't feel well today.
All in all I want to continue to be the adult he respects enough to give truth. This gives me some way to frame that letting him quit was ok. Because it wasn't letting him quit. It was letting him choose his own path. And telling him I knew he was qualified to make that choice. I feel good about that statement.
Compartmented,
Not stopping therapy vs. cutting way back is very sound advice. Thank you. I will try to implement this strategy when we get to that point.
I asked DS12 if he would quit therapy if DS9 quit. DS12 countered with "what do you want me to do?" I think he was trying to accommodate me, sort of giving back what he got yesterday.
I said only he knew if it was helping. DS12 said he was going to keep going. I think he might be trying to please me, but he got to choose again, and if his reasons are sometimes because it is what mom would want, those can be valid reasons.
I asked DS9 what he was going to do while DS12 and I both did therapy? Wait in the lobby the whole time? Seems like given those options, DS9 thinks continuing to "talk" is preferable to "waiting." But we might cut back the frequency to make it less intrusive on their time and to give some space for processing and to let stuff happen they want to talk about.
Thank you ALL for carrying me. For encouraging me to lean. For the kind words and reassurances. I have read every response more than a dozen times. I might print them and carry them in my purse for awhile.