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WH's "contract"

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numbandnauseous posted 8/28/2013 23:42 PM

Here is the handwritten "contract" he gave to me tonight. This comes after I asked him last night why so much of his cash expenditures were labeled as "miscellaneous." (e.g., $300 out of a $400 ATM withdrawal was "miscellaneous.")

I filed for D in June; court date is set for Sep. He says he wants to R, so I am watching to see what he does. We are in in-house separation now.

Here it goes:
1. In order to rebuild trust, I will commit to a monthly polygraph test for the next 6 months. If these tests are positive, meaning "no deception," tests will be every 2 months for an additional 1 year. If "no deception" in these tests, testing will end at the end of that year (approximately the end of 2014).

2. I will continue to see (CSAT) and follow his treatment plan, in whatever form he recommends. You will continue to have access to him to report on our meetings and progress, but he is my therapist, not you.

3. I will terminate my facebook account.

4. I will continue to keep receipts for all cash transactions and will minimize cash transactions to the greatest extent possible.

5. I will provide you with the password to my personal email account. I will also provide you access to my work email, but not my passwords to my work devices.

In exchange for items 1 through 5 above:
(a) You will refrain from giving me the third degree about cash spending, travel, email correspondence and any alleged misconduct.

(b) We will continue the court hearing until Jan 2014, unless either of us decides that our differences are irreconcilable, at which time a new (and earlier) date may be _____???

(c) You will reduce your therapy to 2 sessions per week for September and October and to one session per week beginning in November.

(d) I will seek to break the lease on my condo as soon as possible.

(e) I will be permitted to: (1) travel to ______ for 3 days in September to meet with (6 guys names) at ____'s home and (2) travel to Las Vegas in October to meet with (5 guys, including all the guys from the "cheating" Vegas trip).

Additional items:

1. No home repair or improvement activities will be pursued or undertaken without prior discussion and mutual agreement (i.e., no calling for door repairs without first consulting each other).

2. Cleaning lady will be reduced to 2 times per month.

3. Our son's counseling will be re-evaluated to determine if the current schedule is overdoing it, with the goal of reducing paid counseling to $250 per month.

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 11:45 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 8/29/2013 00:22 AM

SA + Vegas? Really?

You might want to post this in the R forum too as my response is not a positive one. It is firmly of the AYFKM??????????????? variety.

GabyBaby posted 8/29/2013 00:25 AM


He does NOT get to dictate how R is going to happen.
AYFKM is pretty mild, but the only thing I can say that isn't riddled with four letter words and a lot of bile for your WH.


numbandnauseous posted 8/29/2013 00:27 AM

I'm actually looking for the 4 letter words and bile so I can give it back to SAWH. I think this is utter bullshit. Fire away!

SBB posted 8/29/2013 00:53 AM

I was so mad I didn't read past Vegas on the first read-through.

No response. None at all. Complete crickets. There is no reasoning with crazy and this fucker is bat-shit-crazy if he thinks is still driving this bus.

When he asks. "No comment", when he asks again "No comment".

Post all of your responses here - angry ones, funny ones, all of it.

But no response to him. It will get you nowhere. This isn't an attempt at R, it is a new manipulation angle he is testing out on you.

Ignore his words - watch his actions. There is no venom in true remorse - whether in R or S/D (or limbo!). I predict venom. When you see it you'll know it was all an act.

Nature_Girl posted 8/29/2013 01:28 AM

"Fuck your contract. We were never in negotiations about this contract. You don't get to order me around and still keep fucking secrets and dictate what I'm allowed to discuss with you. You don't get to be a sex addict AND go to Vegas with buddies who enabled your affair to begin with AND disallow me in advance from even wondering aloud in your presence if this is a good idea. That's every cheating sex addict's wet dream. Fuck that. I'm your wife, not your business partner."

CheaterMagnet posted 8/29/2013 02:05 AM

What gives him the right to decide how much IC YOU need???

Fuck. That. Guy.

To quote a friend of mine, I want to dick punch him so hard his testicles hang out his nose like boogers.


Tearsoflove posted 8/29/2013 02:17 AM

so I am watching to see what he does

I'd say at this point you need look no further. No fucking way to pretty much everything in his self-serving, bullshit contract.

Chrysalis123 posted 8/29/2013 09:06 AM

This is complete BS.

How dare he dictate to YOU.

So, now that you see behind the mask, what are you going to do?

ButterflyGirl posted 8/29/2013 10:08 AM

So, now that you see behind the mask, what are you going to do?

This ^^

You know that contract is a bunch of bull. We could give you lots of comebacks (mine would be, "take that contract and shove it up your ass"), but you still need to decide what you are going to do.. He doesn't get to call the shots right now. You do. You set your boundaries, and you decide what the consequences are if he breaks them..

tushnurse posted 8/29/2013 10:23 AM

As someone who was able to R after a very bumpy start, I can say that had my H handed me a "contract" like that we would now be D'd.

He has taken manipulation to new levels here. This line right here:
You will refrain from giving me the third degree about cash spending, travel, email correspondence and any alleged misconduct.

Would be enough to tell him to go back to his condo.

and this:
I will be permitted to: (1) travel to ______ for 3 days in September to meet with (6 guys names) at ____'s home and (2) travel to Las Vegas in October to meet with (5 guys, including all the guys from the "cheating" Vegas trip).

The simple answer to that one is No. No I won't, and if you choose to go, to Vegas, or be around those men EVER again, expect to be served.

As others around here say: He is telling you who he is. Listen.

sparkysable posted 8/29/2013 11:12 AM

He had me until this:

In exchange for items 1 through 5 above:
and all the bullshit that followed that. He's straight up delusional.

numbandnauseous posted 8/29/2013 12:07 PM

I agree with you all. My thoughts:
1-5 are requirements for me to stay M to him, so he doesn't get anything in "exchange" for 1-5.

He just wants to go on his trips, remain an SA and a bachelor; he has no interest in R.

But, it gets even better. This morning, he came into my room and after some pleasant small talk about the kids, he asked me if I had read his letter. I said yes, he asked what I thought. I said I have to think about it some more. He said it is a way to "build trust" and give us some space. I am noticing how he takes what he knows I want - to build trust and a polygraph - and uses it to manipulate me.

Anyway, he then asks me not to share the letter with anyone and then ASKS FOR THE LETTER BACK. I said, how am I going to read it if I don't have it. He said he will give it to me later, but he "unfortunately" doesn't trust me to not show it to anyone. I didn't tell him that I had already shared it with thousands of people on SI.

I am going to call my L to see if I can hefty bag his shit and change the locks today. I want this crazy mother fucker out of my life pronto. Can't believe I gave him yet another chance at R. Live and learn.

Nature_Girl posted 8/29/2013 12:19 PM

He wanted that letter back because he does not want you to have support from anyone. As long as you are isolated you are vulnerable. My STBX did this to me, too. He kept me isolated from everyone. By the time he was done with me I had no friends and had lost almost my entire family. We've all watched enough nature documentaries to know that it's the isolated prey animal, alone & with no buddies, that gets picked off by the predator.

We're here for you, N&N.

dmari posted 8/29/2013 12:33 PM

He is hilarious!! Who does he think you are? You have already received awesome and empowering feedback. Sounds like you kept your cool when he asked for the letter back. Good luck with your call to your L!!

ajsmom posted 8/29/2013 12:39 PM


Sorry...fell off my chair laughing.

He has shown you over and over who he is.

Now you have it in writing.

Good luck in court next month.


hexed posted 8/29/2013 12:44 PM

ummm .... yeah....NO!

he doesn't trust you...???

newlysingle posted 8/29/2013 13:24 PM

Wow. This guy is a piece of work. Consider it a small gift that he just made you realize there is no hope. You can now close the door on him and go on with your life.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/29/2013 14:20 PM

Totally self-serving drivel.

And he wanted it back so that you can't show it to his CSAT.

I'm sorry but I can't dredge up any venom right now. I'm sitting here, full of memories, and kinda horrified.
My stbx pulled this same type of shit on me. He declared that he couldn't trust me, that I was a bad bet, that if *he* were to consider R'ing with me that *I* would have to meet *his* conditions.....among lots of other delusional bullshit.
I'm now trying to shake the *Away* feeling I got from reading that "contract"....because whenever I hear/see stuff like this now, that's the over-riding thought in my head: to get the hell *away* from the crazy level of self-centeredness....

Crescita posted 8/29/2013 15:36 PM

Glad you agree with the consensus. I read this last night and I just couldn't bring myself to comment. Really there are no words for how messed up this is.

It would appear he regrets it to some extent, since he asked for it back. I'd say that is something, but who knows what part he is regretting.

I admire your self restraint. It appears you have a firm handle on your boundaries and self respect. However this shakes out you have a strong women in your corner (yourself), and things are only going to get better for you going forward.

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