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Nest2007 posted 8/29/2013 00:14 AM

I met with the OW today and you know what? It went exactly the way I'd hoped for.

I was armed with knowledge: WH's full disclosure and timeline, my reading of every email, his discussions about every conversation, and a trust in him that, though it is still being rebuilt, is far enough along that I am confident in him and our marriage. I made it clear I knew everything, and she never tried to lie to me. Knowledge and trust is power!

I didn't want to ask questions, nor did I want answers: I already had those. I just needed to explain my journey to her: the anger, the pain, the shattering realizations, the hurt of trickle truth and the comfort of full disclosure, the way that the A has strengthened my belief and relationship with God, the way that, from the most devastating circumstances, our marriage has also been strengthened and we feel a complete unity, and, in what is unorthodox for a BS; my forgiveness of both her and my husband. Forgiveness (once shortly after DDay and again, fully and more painfully, after full disclosure and timeline) can be so freeing.

I am perhaps lucky/blessed to have a truly repentant and remorseful spouse whose every word and action prove his commitment to R. Each of us has made incredible progress thanks to our IC and MC sessions; and we are fortunate to have already had an established relationship with our counsellor who is very much a friend of the marriage.

While I wouldn't recommend meeting or speaking with the AP to everyone, in my circumstance and journey, it was helpful to my healing and I feel nothing but peace after the experience.

[This message edited by Nest2007 at 12:15 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

momentintime posted 8/29/2013 00:35 AM

I am glad this worked out for you. For me this would have been giving the OW too much power.

Nest2007 posted 8/29/2013 00:39 AM

It's funny - knowing as much as I do about her and her personality from WH, and seeing how much of a mess she still is, kind of makes me feel power, you know. I've come much further than she has, and that's a damn good feeling.

Laura28 posted 8/29/2013 03:23 AM

Hi honey

I love a gutsy Aussie lady. Good for you. You stood your ground and faced her.

I also spoke to all of OWs either on the phone or in person and I'm not sorry I did.

For those of us who are strong personalities I agree it can be empowering.

I wouldn't trade positions with them for an extra 20 years on this earth.

Unlike you I have no desire to forgive the whores. I probably should because I truly believe each of them are living their own hell on earth for various reasons. I just don't care enough to make the effort.

Confronting the OWs was cathartic for me. For others it may not be worth the risk.

Laura

Nest2007 posted 8/30/2013 08:13 AM

Two interesting facts/confirmations came out of it: she admitted that she did imagine she had a future with my WH, and then there was the fact that she pursued a friendship with me in order to demonise me as the horrible wife to justify her actions. She was sadly disappointed. And she still has the gall to say that this is the most painful thing to happen in her life - hello, she left her marriage and her kids, yet that didn't count as the most painful experience of her life? Deluded priorities, no wonder she's a wreck.

niaveone posted 8/30/2013 10:38 AM

I think the fact that this was the most painful thing for OW to experience was probably because she lost *everything* at that point. Not only did she lose her family, reputation, material things...she lost the person she left it all for. Major blow to ego and sense of stability for her.

WS's OW immediately contacted me the day he broke it off with her the second time. She apologized, but I really think she was trying to get on my good side so she could trash him to me. Anyway, it gave me insight as to her place in all of it too. He sent me the texts she sent him about losing everything and how dare he leave her and lead her on, and she deserved more than a text to break up from...etc. Called him a coward for it. Which was *my* name for him I used in front of her a few days before that, so I found it funny she couldn't come up with her own. That's how lost of a person she was.

You really have to feel empowered that you have the Bull by the horns, and both her and your husband are floundering right now. Keep your emotions intact and make him realize how much he almost lost and show her what an idiot she was for thinking she was above you.

Broken6 posted 9/8/2013 13:50 PM

I am glad that it went well for you, and you are able to have peace and a path to healing from this. I called the OW on the second D-day, to find out what the hell was going on, because after first D-day, I was promised it was over, he had told her it was over and blah blah blah. Now after seeing so many stories on this site, I realize what a fool I was to just take his word it was over the first time. I think this is what prompted my call on D-day 2. Well, she refused to get on the phone and talk to me, she had her best friend on the phone, and they put me on speaker. I did find out that it had never ended as he promised the first D-day, and that he had been making her all sorts of promises like leaving me, marrying her, etc. According to his account to her, we were just steps away from divorce, and only the paperwork needed ink. I told her this was far from the truth, that neither of us had ever brought up divorce, or been to a lawyer, and that the A, was a total shock that blindsided me. She kept getting excuses from him over the months, about why he hadn't filed for divorce yet, and and was pushing back letting me and my kids know because we had upcoming prom, graduation, birthdays, etc. There was always another family event that prevented him from ending our M. Although I found what she had to say (through her friend) interesting, it didn't really give me peace of mind. I have not changed my opinion of this homewrecking whore. I just see that she is a selfish, trashy, gold-digging slut, and I will hold that opinion until I take my last breath. My WH and I are R, so in the end, all the piecrust promises he made to her, she was the fool to believe. I have no respect for someone like that who knows a man is married, knows he has 4 children, and still engages in the EA. She has a daughter herself, so I let her know that she was a poor excuse for a mother. I am glad that you spoke to OW. I think it helps in the healing. I am also glad the conversation went the way you wanted. Hugs.

SoVerySadNow posted 9/8/2013 15:54 PM

I'm glad it went well. It so often doesn't.
I think one of the possible reasons that the betrayed spouse often wants to meet with, confront, (or whatever) the AP is to be sure the AP sees the reality of them (spouse) versus the version possibly given them by the wayward. Reality is so pink bubble busting.

But I do read frequently that the AP is in such denial that they can't adjust to the reality. That ends up in frustration. In my case, the AP was even dumber than I imagined which was a plus. But she couldn't grasp what I was telling her.

You are one of the lucky ones, as you say, that come away such that it helps you.

Dark Inertia posted 9/8/2013 16:04 PM

So what exactly happened that led her to believe she had a future with him? Was it something he said, conversations she misconstrued, or was it an emotional affair?

Nest2007 posted 9/9/2013 19:28 PM

There was an EA, it just took both me and my husband a long time to realise it, being completely new to understanding the types of infidelity. Misconstrued words and emails. And ow having a monkey attitude - not being willing to let go of the branch of her marriage without grasping into the next 'branch:' my husband. It took my H writing a timeline and full disclosure for him to truly escape the fog and see how manipulated and deceived he'd been.

avicarswife posted 9/9/2013 22:24 PM

I am glad it went well for you. I met with mOW#2 and found it helpful - she was very remorseful and had confessed to her BS. They were in counselling and she answered my questions and filled in a few gaps. I never went near mOW#1 - she is a manipulative bunny boiler who blames everyone else for everything.

I think in the right circumstances it can be helpful to meet the OW.

RockyMtn posted 9/10/2013 07:50 AM

Good for you. I also met with OW. It was indeed empowering. She played the victim who has risen from the ashes. It was comical. I didn't respond much. It was interesting to watch her spin her wheels, trying to convince me. She was grasping by the end. A strong, independent woman sat before her when she was expecting a total mess or a total bitch. I was neither. I know she walked away from that conversation understanding that I was the better woman in all regards. I walked away with a few truths and a few lies, both of which helped me piece together this story of my life that had been hidden.

For those of us who are strong personalities I agree it can be empowering.

Agreed.

MJane posted 9/10/2013 09:32 AM

Am really glad it went well for you - my OW wanted such a meeting and i don't want to see her again in my life - I feel strongly I have little to say to the crazy immoral woman who tried to destroy me (along with my H as he is the one who betrayed me and made the vows). I sent her an email advising her not to come anywhere near me, my home or my child given the weird way she broke the news - early morning with repeat bell ringing. Since then I know she wrote a mail to my husband saying "I see you and your wife have found your culprit" - and lots of other self-pity. Wake up, smell the bloody coffee you are one of the two bloody culprits - take responsibility for your unhealthy behaviour and your fixation with a life and man who is tied to another man - the baby wasn't yours, the house wasn't yours, the man made vows to someone else and your wanting them is about you & your insecurities...