I know that I've signed divorce papers and all...but instead of being really lonely right now, I'm so glad he's gone! I hate my damn tattoo of his name, but I'm going to get it excised instead of lasered so it just goes away immediately. screw it, I'll take the scar over having to remember him everyday! Besides, if it's really bad, then I can think about lasering when there's nothing there but a scar.
So yeah, I'm not really sad. I'm not really mad. I'm mostly just enjoying having my life back. I feel free, excited for all of the new opportunities to show up, and ready to face the world with a smile! I forgive him for what he did, but it doesn't mean I want him back. I'm about 3 weeks from D-Day, but we were only married for 7m, so I wasn't married as long as a lot of you. I think that makes a big difference, but I still know what you're all going through. The only difference is that mine was such a douchebag that it barely took him any time at all to screw up and sink our marriage. Plus, I'm a little quicker than the average bear. When he started screaming at me for no reason, I immediately identified projection techniques of defense mechanisms and went fishing. He, unfortunately for him, is a lot slower than the average bear. For months, he's made sure to keep deleting his web history. I made sure to keep checking the history that Google Chrome stores with the Gmail account, which he didn't know about and therefore never deleted. Moron. So anyhow, I found the things he'd looked for in this "backup" web history and took screen shots before confronting him. By this point, i had about 40 other documents, including audio, video, and text accounts of situations that had occurred over the last several months. I figured whatever happened, even if I ended up dead at the hands of his indescribable rage, there would be an account of the fact that I wasn't happy. I made backups, since he tried to destroy my laptop several times, as well. Well, I guess some of you heard that, when confronted, the gist of it was, "It's not what it looks like." Well, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...it's a duck. I'm glad I had the sense to know that people rarely just start treating you like crap for no reason, especially when they were normal hours beforehand. I guess I can thank medical school for teaching me defense mechanisms that I didn't fully appreciate having to learn at the time.
Truth be told, I'm actually grateful for the experience. Now, I don't have to live up to those Southern pressures of having to be married and pop out a baby by 25. No, now I can go, "I'm divorced. He cheated," and all of the little old ladies will fawn over what a tragedy that is and say, "Good for you."
Don't ask me why, but this is a real thing in the South. At least I tried it, and at 26, I feel like I've gotten the marriage bug (wanting to be married for the sake of being married more than being in love) out of my system for awhile. I was in such a rush to do the proper Southern girl thing that I picked a loser and was blind to it. Now, I'm good. No one is going to think there's something wrong with me because I can't find a man. Everyone understands cheating, unfortunately, and no one will judge you for leaving. On the contrary, people are very inclined to tell me, "Good for you for sticking to your guns," or, "Way to follow through with it and respect yourself." It's easier, now, to be unmarried in the South when you tried it and someone else messed it up. It's easier to find another man as a Southern divorcee who was wronged than a 30yr old woman who never married.
On another note, back to the emotional joys of getting divorced. I'm thrilled to have this freedom. I can wake up, eat when I want, study when I want, go running when I want, and make all the damn noise I feel like making at 630 in the morning! I'm so ready for this life! I think I really loved being single. There were times when I was married that I would crave this life. Times like every day when I'd wake up at 6am just to have my "me time" until 1 or 2pm when he finally (uselessly) rolled out of bed and I was forced to share this space with him. I used to think, "If I could change this one thing (him), it would change everything."
Now, I hit the snooze button as many times as I want. I run in and out of the house as many times as I feel like it in the mornings. I go for long walks with my dog without having to hear about how he hates the outdoors and doesn't like to go on walks. I don't have to sit through crappy movies and feign interest in tedious, predictable plots about superheroes. I can watch my documentaries and learn things instead of spend three hours going deaf watching a bunch of CGI that looks the same as watching him play video games. Now, when I have free time, I can read a book, any book I want, and I don't have to justify my reasons to anyone else. When I want to have ice cream for breakfast, I do it without being criticized. I do everything now without being criticized. I clean my house and know that no one else is around to mess it up and then get mad at me because it isn't clean (or wasn't cleaned the "right way." I love the control I finally have over my own life and I love how I feel free again. I feel like THIS is how life was meant to be lived, not wondering, "What if?" Now, I don't wonder, "What if?" I just do what I want to do. I'm taking chances, I'm venturing out, I'm reconnecting with the people he took away from me. I'm learning how to kill spiders on my own and clean up dog doo, but it's small price to pay for my happiness. I've swept up the eggshells that used to litter my floors and I'm standing tall once more. My life is finally mine again and I'm never going to let anyone take that away.
[This message edited by blindsided03 at 1:02 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]