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tired_and_broken posted 8/29/2013 01:08 AM

Ok.. So I have been healing very nicely and making new friends since the divorce and have started dating some...

Here's my dilemma... This really wonderful guy and I have gotten to know each other... he isn't rich (a schoolteacher) but he is so honest with me and pays attention to all the small details that matter to me... We have amazing chemistry and are comfortable together and laugh and have talks both fun and deep... We've only been dating a week but we've had these great talks and feel we've known each other forever. Tonight he revealed to me that his marriage ended because he had an affair....

He wanted to tell me about it because he knew of my history and knew this could be a deal breaker for me. He didn't want to hurt me and he wanted full honesty from the beginning.

I will say he was remorseful, and said he mishandled his unhappiness and agreed he should have sought counseling first and then if that didnt work he should have divorced before it happened.


I appreciate his honesty and the fact he didn't blame shift or make excuses. I appreciate him respecting me enough to tell me this even though it very well could cause him to lose his chance with me.


I feel like I have no right to judge what happened in someone else's relationship. On the other hand, I told him it makes me wonder if he would do the same thing again. .. His response was that he knows it's difficult and he has nothing but his word.

Any advice?

Waiting@home posted 8/29/2013 01:40 AM

We've all heard that cheater's always cheat; yet, this guy was forthcoming to you about his past affair, which makes you feel a little safer I suppose.

Since it has only been a week, I feel that you are not very attached so it's possible to move on without a lot of heart ache. I think it's the best choice. Yes, He learned from his experience, but are you willing to take the chance to see if he will cheat again? How will you feel if you invest, let's say, 5 years with this guy, only to discover he is cheating? You have only his word, as he said. Well, after one week, his word is meaningless as it's too soon to have established trust, so his word is meaningless. He had his word before, and he broke it with his ex. They had vows-- broken. I don't like his response. I think he could expound on that a bit, like, "I only have my word and from now on I will be fully accountable to my significant other. I have learned from my mistakes and I guarantee to you that if you fall for me I will cherish your heart and keep it safe, blah, blah, and so on...."

If you must continue to see him, then why not keep dating others? Don't commit. Don't become physical, truly date a few guys, and get to know them before you decide to commit to one.

Williesmom posted 8/29/2013 06:54 AM

I think if he has really learned and grown from the experience, it might be worth something.


homewrecked2011 posted 8/29/2013 07:18 AM

Cheated or had a long term affair.

That's what would help me decide. Did he get drunk and screw? Did he build a friendship up with someone outside of his marriage and see her regularly for days, weeks, months..

Did he have any children at the time? What were their ages while this was going on?

It's possible he's matured, but I'd ask more questions. There are many sociopaths out there.

cmego posted 8/29/2013 07:51 AM

I have dated two fWS. The first one, it was obvious he was not remorseful. He explained, "I fell in love!" as the justification. NEXT.

The second one told me on our first date. He had no excuses, said it was a mistake, and seemed to have worked on himself. He confessed after our second date that he had a one night stand early in his marriage too. After that, I lost respect for him, that is the only way I can describe it. He knew my background, and knew this was a lot for me to take in. We did a lot of talking. So, the other caveat? He wanted to multi-date. We went out one more time, and he tried to kiss me...and I bolted.

It was too much for me to handle. He tried to get me to talk about it, and I simply told him he triggered me, therefore it wasn't fair to either of us to continue.

I know there are fWS on here that have done the hard work, and HAVE changed. But I also believe that is a small minority of fWS.

Personally, it sounds like your relationship is moving really, really fast...and that should raise a red flag right there, on both of your ends.

You barely know this man, so proceed with caution and keep your eyes and ears open. He knows what to say to make his past sound like he has done the hard work. Watch his actions.

lieshurt posted 8/29/2013 08:12 AM

What has he done to fix himself since he had the affair? Did he go to counseling? If not, I'd say pass him up. You would only be setting yourself up for heartache. If he's done the hard work to face his issues, then it's a different story.

ajsmom posted 8/29/2013 08:32 AM

You've known him A WEEK.

That's not a long enough time to evaluate anyone, former cheater or not.

SLOW this down...seriously...slow this down.


HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/29/2013 09:42 AM

I agree that you definitely need to slow down. It seems like you're letting your feelings run away with you and it might prevent you from making the right decision.

The good thing here is that he told you about it. I think this is a good thing but my feelings on this post are mixed.

I believe most people are capable of cheating, a lot of people choose not to and a lot of people choose to. He chose to so he is definitely capable of this behaviour.

Whilst the fact that he told you is a good thing (he could have easily hidden it), he may genuinely believe that he will not do it again to you or someone else. But, as we know, he is 'capable'.

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