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Queen of restraint

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phoenixrivers posted 8/29/2013 01:25 AM

WS texted me this evening wanting a "toddy". I suggested we meet before she got home from work at a place on her way; she's there when I get there and is ready to leave before my ass hits the seat.

When I ask why the quick exit, she replys, "I'm trying to be responsible". My first thought to that is, "you were never that responsible when you were out with OM".

My anger shows. She asks about it and I tell her. "Why am I being punished for being responsible?"



[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 1:26 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

jo2love posted 8/29/2013 09:24 AM


It does not sound like she "gets" how you are feeling. If she wanted to be responsible with her drinking, she could have waited for you to get there before she started. The sole purpose of going there was to have a drink together. Did you talk more about how her actions made you feel when you got home?

phoenixrivers posted 8/29/2013 09:34 AM

Hi jo,

Thanks for the response. To answer your question, no we did not talk about it after we got home. I was frankly too angry and her too defensive.

I did say I needed help from her to heal. Her response, "I need your help too." I don't think she gets it. She has an IC session this week. I'll see if she brings it up to the counselor and maybe after I've calmed down a bit I can discuss it more constructively.


Brandon808 posted 8/29/2013 09:37 AM

"I need your help too."

With what exactly does she need this "help"?

phoenixrivers posted 8/29/2013 09:52 AM

Hi Brandon,

To answer your question, and this is pure speculation on my part mind you, she wants me to stop being angry. If it were that simple I would have done it. I don't believe she understands the time factor and the amount of processing that betrayal takes.


jo2love posted 8/29/2013 09:53 AM

I hope she brings it up in IC. She needs to look at this from your perspective.

As for helping her....did she mean with fixing what is broken inside of her that led to the A?

faithhopelove23 posted 8/29/2013 12:39 PM

I have to wonder if she isn't trying to replace bad memories with something good with you? And realizing that she can't just shove it under a rug? But that her expecations and planning are wrong....In the past did she stop for drinks with the OM?

Instead what could you create new that is you and her?

phoenixrivers posted 8/29/2013 14:38 PM

Hello Faith and jo,

Thanks for the responses. She was a frequent drinker with the OM. And all during the time she cheated she was staying out, getting drunk and claiming that she was "working late". So her sudden attack of responsibility is more akin to hypocrisy in my eyes than to a new found sense of duty.

As to what she wants with my "help" is anyone's guess. I told Brandon that I think she is merely asking me not to be angry. She is in IC and I think the counselor is good, but I am frustrated with the lack of progress (we are only about a month from DDay).


jo2love posted 8/29/2013 15:39 PM

One time the IC I was seeing let me bring my wbf with me. It gave the IC the opportunity to see the whole picture. I wonder if your WS's IC would do this for 1 appointment. It could help the IC & WS work on issues that may or may not have been focused on.

phoenixrivers posted 8/29/2013 16:05 PM

Thanks jo,

I have already seen the IC. I think she's good; however I am concerned because the w has been seeing her for a long time before the infidelity.

I felt somewhat chastened by the counselor because she wanted me to be patient while the W gained enough self esteem to weather my anger and hurt. I'm tired of waiting. I asked on numerous occasions for a timeline; nothing as of yet (dday is 7/20/13). I've seen my IC seven times. This week will make her third visit.


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