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Didn't fancy ap??

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olwen posted 8/29/2013 01:28 AM

Is it really possible H did not fancy ap? He is adamant but I find it hard to believe.

I know he didn't want to have sex with her, he felt he had to cos they had got so close texting and at work, also cos they had kissed and he let her pick him up and drive him to a car park. He says he only had sex cos he felt he had led her on and that she seduced him in the car by lifting her skirt and asking him to touch. He said he didn't know what to do and just shut down and wwent thru the motions and it stopped in about a minute.

He swears he just saw her as a friend and things only changed when she started flirting with him and that was why he kissed her, cos he was confused but straight away wanted no more physical stuff yet the next night allowed himself to be seduced.

I have noticed many people say on here that their WH felt little for the AP. H admits he was using her as a distraction and to make himself feel good.

So my question is, is it really possible for a WH to have an A if he doesn't fancy AP?

Jrazz posted 8/29/2013 02:19 AM

That sounds pretty familiar from here.

I think that it's more about how the WS feels around the AP than the AP themselves most of the time.

Our OW was no prize pig, but she encouraged Crazz to drink when we were struggling with alcohol issues at home. She talked about how much she loooooved sex when he wasn't getting it from me.

He didn't fancy her, he just wanted a shortcut to pleasure and knew a dirtbag that was offering it.

It's totally possible.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:20 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

shatteredheart7 posted 8/29/2013 08:02 AM

One thing I have learned from my FWH and our MC sessions is that it really doesn't matter if they find them attractive. They are telling them what they want to hear and making them feel special, boosting their ego when they are at their weakest, lowest point.

In my case, the Ow is so not his type. If he were single she is not someone he would have given a second look to. Now that he is out of the fog, he is so disgusted by her. There are times that I am not sure which of us is more disgusted by what he did with her.

I have always been told I am a beautiful woman. I try to take care of myself and look nice (I still get carded at 40). She on the other hand: looks at least 20 yrs older than she is. Has no teeth (not even false ones) I'm not sure she wears a bra (if she does it doesn't fit right, cause those boobs sag bad!) She looks like she pulls her clothes out of the bag at the goodwill and puts them on without washing them. She has a face that only her mother could love. However, she was telling him what he wanted to hear. She was stroking his ego. While I was at home trying to get him to get help for his depression that he was scared to admit to.

Basically, she looked like an old witch (I'm trying to think of what movie it is that she reminds me of the witch in) and he still managed to fuck her once or twice a month for over 2 yrs. He does admit that it was always from behind so he didn't have to look at her and it was over very quickly (one of the problems we were having was he was a "2 pump chump" and I just didn't see the point if I wasn't getting anything out of it but grief) and he was really only interested in the BJ.

So yeah, I think it is entirely possible.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/29/2013 08:13 AM

His story sounds just like the stories told by most cheating men - he was innocent and the mean old OW seduced him against his will. Alot of them also claim they stopped after only a minute or that they "threw up" when it was over.

Hell, I was told basically the same story you were told. He claimed she was a 'bigger girl' and 'not his type at all but she kept whining about how he wouldn't get physical with her so he supposedly did it just to shut her up.' Blah blah blah.

Just saying, we pretty much all hear the same story so you might want to take it with a HUGE grain of salt.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:14 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Kierst13 posted 8/29/2013 09:24 AM

I get a good chuckle out of the WS who claim they weren't attracted to the AP, the sex was bad, they didn't want to do it or it was AP's fault because they pursued them.

Those poor WSs were SEDUCED and HELPLESS! Oh wait, no, they are adults with at least somewhat functioning brain matter. They had sex (or made the emotional connection) because they CHOSE to. No man or woman can be successfully seduced by ANYONE if they choose not to be.

olwen posted 8/29/2013 09:36 AM

Thanks everyone. Sad thing is I fear Never again may have hit the nail on the head. I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but now I am not so sure.

What confuses me is he is adamant he never fancied her, even when she was leaning over him in work wearing low cut tops, he claims he found it inappropriate.

He has admitted he thought she became a touch more attractive because of the way she made him feel - sort of mental beer goggles.

Well I am sure there is more to the story than I am getting because the day after I started getting suspicious and was questioning him, it turned into an almighty row and he screamed in my face that he could say I was sexy and gorgeous and he loves me but I am not and he doesn't. He has NEVER said anything like that to me before. He stormed out after saying it and later apologised. Then there was another point, I think after I knew about the EA but not about any of the physical stuff and I told him the people who had seen her pic on face book (one or two friends and family inc his mum) all said she looks older then him - although she is 29 and he is 40, and much older than me, that she looks haggard and he must have gone blind to cheat with her. When I told him this his instant response was 'well, she's not exactly ugly!'

That has always stuck in my mind. If he was glad to be rid of her as he claimed why defend her? I thought it was a male pride thing, not liking people thinking his ap was rough but now I am not so sure.

He is back off his business trip tonight and I think we need a good talk about stuff. He says he was purposely cruel to me as if we broke up he would not have to confess. He just didn't have the balls to do it himself. HE thought it would get rid of his guilt but he couldn't actually end it cos he realised how much he really loves me - hmmmm no comment needed there.

I think there is a lot more to the story but I don't know how to get the truth out of him. His lies were unbelievable. He swore nothing physical happened on our son's life ffs! After I found out about the 2 kisses I emailed him a specific list of questions hoping he may confess if not f2f. He copied each one and denied it. I found out a while later they were ALL true!

Can I just state she is 11 years his junior (6 yr mine) but looks older. She is not ugly but sort of plain and quirky - I know H likes quirky. I could see him liking her, she is slim with big tits, that's all that seems to matter to men. I can see him fancying her but all I can think is she was not pretty enough to cheat with, I always thought it was lust leads affairs and surely she was not THAT attractive!! Looks like I should have listened to my gut and not kind family and friends trying to boost my confidence by knocking her down. He is clearly lying. The more I think about it he must have fancied her.

Now how to get the truth out of him. It seems an impossible task. He sticks to his story like glue.

CATransplant posted 8/29/2013 09:54 AM

I tend to believe what Kierst13 posted. They were adults and made the choice to stray knowing it was wrong no matter what reasons they state. When you brake it down, no words will justify what they did. Actions and accountability are the only points worth discussing. If it makes them feel better for you to believe their tales, do so. I tend to believe that trying to get you to buy into their fairytale is disrespectful and downright wrong.. Where is their love for you believing you should buy such a thing. Still focused on themselves.

shatteredheart7 posted 8/29/2013 09:56 AM

What it really comes down to is your gut feeling, your instinct. Do YOU think he is telling the truth? You are the one that knows your H, you know his personality.

I know that in my case, my DH would have never had anything to do with her if he had not been severely damaged/broken at that time. HE takes FULL responsibility for his actions. He has said that he was weak and stupid. That he should have been stronger and said no, that he knew it was wrong. Saying that they weren't attracted to the AP or the sex was bad, does not mean they are not owning their shit. It just shows that they were very very broken at that time.

It is entirely possible that they were not attracted to them, that the sex was bad. And yeah, if you are at a bad point in your life SOME people, not all, do stupid shit. And depending on what type of personality you have, ie: a leader or a follower, there are people out there that are very good con artists, that can manipulate others very well. As long as they own the fact that they made the final stupid choice to cheat, then who are any of us to judge if they are telling the truth?

Just because some WS lie about this, doesn't mean they all do. It also doesn't mean that to a degree the AP wasn't manipulative. Yes, your WS shouldn't have been stupid and made that choice. But they did.

I need to go take my meds...

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/29/2013 10:39 AM

Heard the same shit. Imo most wh say that. Mine said all the cliche shit.

It seriously feels like there is a wh handbook. Its all so typical down to the " she never meant anything"
"I always loved you"
" I wanted to be with you when I was with her"
"I didnt even really like her"
" shes not my girlfriend"
"It was just one time!"
" of course I used condoms! Ok no I didnt us condoms and it was more than once. I knew you'd be mad so I lied"
"She said she was clean"
"I couldnt even finish"
" she wanted me and thought I was funny"
" i never told her I loved her"
" how would I know if she came"
" i never talked about you"
"She said she wasnt having sex with her bh"
" she listened to me"

Stupidest shit ever in my opinion...

SisterMilkshake posted 8/29/2013 12:13 PM

Is it really possible H did not fancy ap?
Yes, I believe it is possible and even probable in a lot of cases. Not only is the affair not about the BS, it also isn't about the AP.

The AP was a tool. They were used. As a mirror. The AP's reflected back to the WS how awesome the WS was.

As much as I loved and thought my FWH was handsome, sexy, whatevs, FWH also knew I knew all his warts and flaws. FWH knew I knew the real him, or at least part of the real him. He didn't like that part of him and wanted someone who didn't know that about him. 'Cause than he could believe, like the AP believed , how totally awesome he really was.

I agree with what shattered7 posted.

Saying that they weren't attracted to the AP or the sex was bad, does not mean they are not owning their shit. It just shows that they were very very broken at that time.
I also believe that some want the AP to be unattractive. They so loathe themselves they "need" to find someone even more loathsome than themselves to feel better about themselves. Very sad, but true. (I feel that a lot of sex addicts might fall into this catergory)

I also believe that there are predatory AP's. They can smell a vulnerable person a mile away. They are manipulative and evil. They are very good at what they do. They actually are able to make their intended "victim" believe that they are the ones that pursued them. I am not saying that the WS is a hapless "victim", but there are a lot of very naive and gullible people out there. The WS does make the choice and the decision in the end, but sometimes they don't realize they have been royally mind fucked first.

For the record:
1. MisterSister enjoyed the sex with OW. It wasn't better than me, but "different".
2. He was "infatuated" with it at first and attracted to it.
3. He said he pursued it as much as it pursued him.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:14 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

PeaceLove187 posted 8/29/2013 12:32 PM

I, too, believe it's possible to have an A and not be attracted to the AP. One of my H's APs was so huge that when I found her picture hidden in his laptop files, I thought it must have been a joke picture. Maybe from one of his brother's emails with a joke attached. Plus I can well imagine that one thing can lead to another when the AP is pushy and the WS lacks the self-esteem to enforce what few boundaries they may possess.

BUT I read a study recently where both men and women were interviewed regarding their As. All of the men in the study admitted to enjoying the sex and even feeling pretty darn cool because they were having sex with two women. The women weren't nearly as excited about having sex with two men and would instead steer the conversation back to the emotional aspects of the A.

Odds are he wanted and enjoyed the sex but just doesn't like admitting it.

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