SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

IFELTITINMYHEART posted 8/29/2013 01:53 AM

Hello everyone, I'm new to this site and would appreciate you all for helping me through this.

I have been in a relationship with him for two years and was very happy...But here lately things have been strained. We don't see each other as much as we used to, but we still talk daily. I have shared my feelings with him on how I feel about our not spending as much time together and asked him has things changed in our relationship and he said no. Two weeks ago we were in Virginia Beach and having a good time and things seemed like they were getting back on track.

Then, Saturday night when I got off of work I called him as I do every night when I get off and he doesn't answer his phone...very unusual...So, I call right back and still no answer, so I go home. Once home I started thinking maybe I'll just go over and see what's going on because he still had not called me back and I was having a gut feeling. I know that they say if you go looking for trouble you will find it and I did. When I get to his home, his car is in the driveway but so is another car. An unknown car and all lights are out in the house...So I ring the doorbell twice and get no answer. At that point I call his phone again. He answers this time and I tell him to come open the door. He takes his time doing so, but finally opens the door. when he does he is standing in front of the staircase as if to block me from going upstairs to drop my overnight bag. He then asks me what am I doing there, which is odder than odd because I hardly ever call and say that I'm on my way or call and ask for permission to come over. I was told in the beginning of our relationship that I was welcomed at anytime and didn't need to call first, to just come on. So this question through me for a loop. Still I didn't ask him about the car in the driveway. I played it like everything is cool and was asking him why he's questioning me about coming over. I then asked him to move over so that I could take my bag to the bedroom and he would not budge. I just pushed past him and went up the stairs and once I tried to enter the bedroom and someone was on the other side with their weight up against the door so that I couldn't get in...that's when I went BALLISTIC!!! I started screaming and asking who was in the bedroom and he seemed furious and said that it was a friend. I hear her screaming that she's going to call the cops because she's scared. Why? I never came off to her in a negative way. He's asking me to calm down from cursing him because what I'm saying is that I can't believe that he has hurt me in this way. I also asked him why didn't he talk to me to tell me that things were that bad that he wanted to see someone else...All while trying to calm her through the door to let her know that my anger and frustration is not with her its with him...He's telling me that I need to calm down that I'm scaring her and probably awaking his neighbors. I tell him F***k his neighbors, and out of nowhere I just struck him...I recall saying to him that if he tells me that I'm scaring HER one more time that I'm going to really go off in there...She finally comes out of the room after hearing me question him about their relationship and she apologizes and tells me that she knew NOTHING about our relationship and that they had met a month prior. This was her second time at his house. And that they had slept together once. At that point I needed to know if they had used protection and she assured me that they had. At that point she left. I went on for a little more with my questioning before I left. Since then I have been getting phone calls and texts from him, saying how sorry he was for hurting me. He says he was feeling like he could do nothing to make me happy because I told him I was not happy in the direction that our relationship was heading. He now wants to know if we can start over from the beginning. He now realizes that he loves me and that I'm his best friend and he can't take not communicating with me. I love him so much but refuse to hurt anymore at almost 40 and we had been discussing marriage I don't know what to do. Apart of me wants to forgive him, but I'm sooo angry, hurt, and confused. I felt this happening

Smokehouse posted 8/29/2013 05:11 AM

It's a terrible thing to be betrayed Ifeltitinmyheart. My WW of 7 years had an EA with a co-worker. I also work at the same place.

I too, felt for months something was wrong and asked her many times "What is wrong?" Always the same answer, "Nothing, and I love you." You knew too. That is why you drove over there even after you had arrived home. I put off checking our cell phone bill for several months, either not believing it was happening or maybe I didn't want to know.

You need to take some time for yourself. Think if he is, or the relationship is, worth salvaging. It is terrible, and a poor excuse for him to say, I felt like I couldn't make you happy. So, he Carries on with another woman to address the situation. My WW thought I didn't love her anymore. And that she was soooo unhappy. Again, poor excuses. Cheating can never be justified.

I would take some serious time for yourself, address your needs, and then talk to him if you want to.

If you feel like he is a good man, is truly remorseful, gives you total transparency, maybe counseling if you feel the need, and still proceed with caution. Keep yourself guarded. He not only cheated and lied to you, but, he also lied to the woman at the house. Said he wasn't in a relationship. That, in of itself is painful.

Be strong for yourself, get some rest, eat and drink plenty of water. If you decide to work on the relationship, it should be strictly on your terms.

I too, am new at this. My WW at first was terrible at being remorseful, helping me heal, and kept dodging my questions. Lots of lies at first. I believe she was in a fog. Just recently she started to respond how I needed her to respond. She is now showing what I believe to be true remorse. My point is to take it slow, watch his reactions, give both of you the time needed to work it out if YOU choose to.

I hope this helps. The hurt and pain is a lot to bear. I still have sleepless nights, the shakes, and panic attacks. One day at a time.

Good luck!

BS-49
WW-33
DDay #1-07/21/13
Dday #2-08/15/13 discovered 2nd phone
SD-10
Trying to reconcile

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 5:14 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Williesmom posted 8/29/2013 07:03 AM

((felt))

I'm sorry that you had to find us, but welcome.

Proceed with caution. Best friends do not betray their best friends by ripping their heart out.

I'm glad that you followed your gut - continue to trust it. Eat, sleep, and stay hydrated.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/29/2013 07:33 AM

Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

You know, it's always a huge red flag when these guys use some lame excuse - the relationship was "in a rough patch," or they "thought we didn't love them anymore," or that "we weren't happy with the way the relationship was going" - to justify getting some cheap sex on the side.

This isn't about your unhappiness at the way the relationship was going. This was about HIS selfishiness in wanting to get a little strange and trying to act as though your unhappiness somehow JUSTIFIED his crap behavior.

It doesn't.

I'd be very, very wary of marrying anyone who had no qualms at ALL about picking up some random woman and lying to her about being single, then lying to YOU and betraying you on top of it. This is just the epitome of disgusting selfishness that knows absolutely no bounds. Of course he wants to start over - NOW. Now that he's been caught and his fun is over, that is.

As the others have said, please take care of yourself and I'm awfully sorry you had to deal with such a horrible situation.

IFELTITINMYHEART posted 8/29/2013 10:20 AM

Thanks for all of your responses...
I have been talking to him trying to understand the WHY, and he keeps telling me he knows that he messed up real bad.

I just can't understand how he couldn't talk to me and I asked him, because I brought the subject up to him and asked him and he looked at me like I was crazy...

WE DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!

I'm trying to take care of myself but its hard to eat and sleep. I find myself not getting to sleep til 5 or 6am.

I continue to ask questions and he answers them, but I feel as though he will get tired of me bringing it up and asking questions. I DON'T CARE!!!

Then again, I ask myself is it worth me knowing...do I even want to stay in this relationship. I don't trust him anymore, I'm hurting and haven't been back to his house since. I don't want to go and check...so confused

As far as marriage, I don't know if I can start over being his friend. It all just hurts too much.

doggiemom12 posted 8/29/2013 15:21 PM

My late STBX cheated on me while we were dating too. I foolishly thought, well that's what happens while people date. BS.

After he died last year I found out he had cheated on me for virtually our entire 18 year marriage.

RUN. AWAY. DO IT NOW. And be glad you found out before you married him. This man is not marriage material.

Good luck to you.