Today I can realize I am better than in the beginning, but some days its as if it all just happened again. I have sudden memories like lately of her having me hold the OC & feed him in the hospital, while I was sitting up there with the her OW because he was sick and had to stay & she had to go up there for 3 hrs at a time every 8 hours or so. My imagination plays tricks on me, like imagining I saw then, the smug look and glimmer in her eye saying, "Ha ha! I have something you'll never have - His CHILD". I shake my head over & over to try to make it go away and realize I have forgotten to breathe.
Or just a few days ago, remembered helping with her Baby shower for the OC.
And just recently found out that all the things I thought I had learned thru TT, I didn't know at all. When brought back up to get matching answers, nothing matched up. He either didn't remember saying it, or didn't know what I was talking about or must have made it up to "shut me up". So after a year I realized I still actually knew nothing more than I did on the day he told me and that was that he screwed her enough to get her pregnant - that lasted for an undetermined extended length of time, that ended in the summer of 2009. That it started with fooling around for an undetermined amount of time - that at some point he knew the kid was his and that about 60 people knew before I did.
In the last few days I have finally made it clear to him that our marriage is not going to be able to really begin healing until I know the whole story. For the first time, he has committed to write down a timeline with everything he can remember. I wrote him out a timeline of our life & things that were going on with us & around us, as well as with her & her family & businesses, moves, births, deaths, vacations etc.
I also committed and am leaving for a week to fly back to california where I'm from to see old friends & family. He knows I will be seeing my ex - like I have the last 2 times, only now he is really worried, even though I have given him no reason to be.
I have let him know that I will deal with this as I need to and am now focusing on taking care of myself instead of worrying about him and what he is doing. That if he can't or won't fill in the details and timeline of the A, and commit to sticking in this through all my emotions (the ones he has caused), I will do whatever it takes to take care of myself. He has had an about face in the last 2 or 3 days, I think as a result of my new attitude.
But still continue to feel these shock waves at least 5 - 10 times a week, sometimes more.