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Why is it 1 week shy of 1 yr from d-day that I still get shocked allover again when I think about things they did or things I saw & did nothing about. Why am I still so shocked that this really happened and that he could really have done this to me? to us?

I also still get shocked. I am 2 months from dday antiversary.

I know it happened, of course. I live with the pain everyday.

Sometimes it is a physical feeling, almost like a punch to the gut.

"oh my God, this is real, he really did this, he is really capable of hurting me like this".

I get a bit dizzy and lightheaded.

Maybe it is because it is so hard reconcile who we thought we were married to vs. the reality of who they are.

I am not sure. This does seem to have the feeling of being surreal, a nightmare.

I think I still fight it, don't want to accept this as my reality.

Maybe those further into recovery will have insight.

It's been 3 years. There are days that Im still shocked by what he did.

I seem to be shocked by the little things more than the BIG things.

I hear ya.... I'm 20 months out from DDay and still feel the shock. I guess I would have to say its getting better though ....I guess

I struggle with this too. I don't feel like I am going to pass out every time I think about it as I once did, but it is a stab in the heart each time.

It is hard to wrap your mind around. It really can be maddening.

Sometimes I feel no matter how much MC and IC we do, I will never understand.

I'm so sorry- but it's rather normal. It took me about 2 years to not be shocked- like waking up in the morning and realizing this wasn't a bad dream- about 2 years. Year 3 was still rough. Year 4 is ok and I feel more normal. I will never be who I once was- but more normal. Everyone is different so don't be too hard on yourself. The more blindsided you were by the A- the more it can take for reality to set in. Remember that you are grieving- and all 5 stages of grief are cycled thru and in no particular order for however long it takes- but do try to keep moving forward. Change your environment, go the the beach or mountains, go for a walk, talk to a supportive friend. It does get better.

Today I can realize I am better than in the beginning, but some days its as if it all just happened again. I have sudden memories like lately of her having me hold the OC & feed him in the hospital, while I was sitting up there with the her OW because he was sick and had to stay & she had to go up there for 3 hrs at a time every 8 hours or so. My imagination plays tricks on me, like imagining I saw then, the smug look and glimmer in her eye saying, "Ha ha! I have something you'll never have - His CHILD". I shake my head over & over to try to make it go away and realize I have forgotten to breathe.

Or just a few days ago, remembered helping with her Baby shower for the OC.

And just recently found out that all the things I thought I had learned thru TT, I didn't know at all. When brought back up to get matching answers, nothing matched up. He either didn't remember saying it, or didn't know what I was talking about or must have made it up to "shut me up". So after a year I realized I still actually knew nothing more than I did on the day he told me and that was that he screwed her enough to get her pregnant - that lasted for an undetermined extended length of time, that ended in the summer of 2009. That it started with fooling around for an undetermined amount of time - that at some point he knew the kid was his and that about 60 people knew before I did.

In the last few days I have finally made it clear to him that our marriage is not going to be able to really begin healing until I know the whole story. For the first time, he has committed to write down a timeline with everything he can remember. I wrote him out a timeline of our life & things that were going on with us & around us, as well as with her & her family & businesses, moves, births, deaths, vacations etc.

I also committed and am leaving for a week to fly back to california where I'm from to see old friends & family. He knows I will be seeing my ex - like I have the last 2 times, only now he is really worried, even though I have given him no reason to be.

I have let him know that I will deal with this as I need to and am now focusing on taking care of myself instead of worrying about him and what he is doing. That if he can't or won't fill in the details and timeline of the A, and commit to sticking in this through all my emotions (the ones he has caused), I will do whatever it takes to take care of myself. He has had an about face in the last 2 or 3 days, I think as a result of my new attitude.

But still continue to feel these shock waves at least 5 - 10 times a week, sometimes more.

I think I will always be a bit shocked by this act. It is something no one expects and it is so primal in nature. It was the length of the A that has me in total disbelief most times, and the fact that, even when it was bad and fading he still couldn't let go totally.

T

I still so many times wake up thinking OMG what a nightmare only to realize its my life.. 15 months and this year has been a killer.. I go from love hate disgust despise crazy angry crying broken to happy daily.. I hate the roller coaster ride... If I can sleep is now one way out of the horror of living with what he did.. Almost every night I look over he's fast asleep.. Me in shock or crying.

Ugh.. I am sure I will never get over this or be the same.. My coworkers always ask what happened to that go lucky happy girl.. I want to say destroyed and dumped down the disposal..