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Need to get beyond checking up all the time

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soconfusednow posted 8/29/2013 06:18 AM

How do you get beyond checking-up, having them prove where they have been or are going? At some point I need to stop. It's to time consuming, it's eating my life away.

Will all the checking-up/asking for proof really stop WS from seeing the OW if that's what WS chooses to do? Probably not.....

I'm thinking I need to give WH enough rope to see if he hangs himself or toes the line.

nekorb posted 8/29/2013 06:52 AM

I'm still pretty new here, but for the time being have given up on the constant checking and verifying.

It makes me crazy and it doesn't change what he does.

I have let it go for the moment.

simplydevastated posted 8/29/2013 06:53 AM

That's a good question. I'm still checking, but for different reasons. You need to ask yourself why you're still checking, what are your reasons. If it's because he still isn't telling you anything and need to check do you're not in key in the dark. Then you may need to continue. But if he's on the level and doing the hard work to correct what he's done then maybe it is time to take a step back and put a little trust in him. You also need to decide if you're ready for that.

Every situation and every person is different.

I hope assume of this makes sense.

There's also saying around here - Trust but verify.

shatteredheart7 posted 8/29/2013 07:20 AM

My fwh ended his A 18 months ago. My dday was almost 1 yr ago. I still feel the need to check up on him, however its not as strong now. What has helped is I have seen there is no contact. He has went above and beyond to make sure I feel secure again. He put an app called find my friends on his cell phone. it tells me where he is at all times and I can go almost all day without checking now. Sometimes it may be off by a couple mins or a few feet. But it is close enough for me to know he is where he says he is. Having access to his email, phone and fb also helps. Plus, his computer died and instead of replacing it he uses mine when he needs to, so I can keep track of what he does on there. The feeling to check had lessened over that dreaded word "time"

But aside from all of that, it is the way he treats me now that means the most.

And yes, if you they want to continue the A they will find a way. Given enough rope those people will hang themselves. Just as we had no control over their decision to have the A, we have no control over them deciding to continue it. The only thing we can control is ourselves. What I do is keep an eye open and I question anything that looks suspicious to me. So far so good.

Good luck and ((((soconfused))))

pewpewpew posted 8/29/2013 08:55 AM

You will get to the point where the urge to check isn't as strong.
TIME does heal as long as there are no new DDays and each time you do, find nothing.

Lionne posted 8/29/2013 11:33 AM

If he is remorseful and trying to make you feel safe then some of the reassurance should be on him, have him call and send oix of where he is. Otherwise, check as long as you need to. Eventually you won't need to...

tushnurse posted 8/29/2013 11:49 AM

Wow you are fairly new, don't worry about checking up. There are a few things that concern me. Are you being pressured by your spouse to stop? Getting the old " will you ever trust me again" " you need to quit obsessing" stuff? If so then you best keep looking, and get even stealthier.

When they really get it, and R is happening the WS won't give 2 licks if you are checking up, and happily will hand over their phone/computer/tablet etc.

I can personally say that with my H breaking NC in the early days multiple times it made it harder for me to let go, and stop checking. I was vigilant. Keyloggers, phones, etc. I had to know where he was, who he had talked to, and who he was with.

Someone here (I can't remember who sorry) likens it to a trust piggy bank. When Dday happens that piggy bank gets destroyed. So when you are R'ing you get a new trust piggy bank, and each time you check up and find nothing you get to put a penny in it. It takes time to fill up. But just like a kid with a piggy bank when they are brand new and empty they look for every piece of change they can find, but as it starts to get full and you can hear it jingling around in there it isn't the most important thing to do, but you still keep adding change when you see it. Slowly over time, and repeatedly finding nothing along with a truly remorseful spouse that is doing the hard work of R that piggy gets filled up.

Now I am 5 years out, and the funny thing is he is more open now than ever. We both have to passwoword protect our phones for our jobs, and they change every 90 days. I never think to tell him when my changes, but he always makes a point of telling me it changed, and what he changed it to. He usually makes the numbers something signifcant, like my bday, our anniversary, the last 4 numbers of my phone number.
So it happens, but it takes a long time.

((((and strength)))

krazy8516 posted 8/29/2013 14:26 PM

Will all the checking-up/asking for proof really stop WS from seeing the OW if that's what WS chooses to do? Probably not....

This is how I feel. Lately, I check his phone, e-mail, and FB more to make sure he hasn't changed his PW's than in expectation of finding anything. Or, I suppose, to make sure he hasn't "slipped up" and forgotten to delete something incriminating.

I'm only a month out from d-day, and even less from the date of full transparency. I will continue to check until someday (I hope) it just won't cross my mind anymore.

WH sometimes asks if I'm "spying on him." I hate that he phrases it this way, but I answer him honestly (i.e. "Yes, I checked your e-mail this morning"). He usually shrugs and responds "I don't care." I think, if he doesn't care, why does he ask?

I dunno. I'll probably keep checking for quite a while, but I try not to obsess over it. It really is time-consuming - not just the checking itself, but the worrying about it. In fact, sometimes when I am walking towards his phone to look at, I find myself changing my course with a dismissive wave of my hand - basically, it's not worth the extra 5 steps to find nothing out of place.

I figure either there's nothing going on, really, or I need to dig deeper, because I'm never going to find it with what I have. Until he really gives me reason to dig deeper, I'm going to stick with what I've got.

focusingonthefam posted 8/29/2013 17:08 PM

It's been over a year since my first Discovery in August of 2012. Then November 2012, and the last one was March of 2013.

Though I see that he is trying to be good, and focusing on the family, I still have the urge to wonder what he does during work hrs, because they do still work together.

Ironically she lives only 1 min. away from my work, but I have no idea what the OW looks like. My checking up on him has been difficult because with their jobs, they can go in the field and do whatever they want and nobody will know.

I read that some of you have all the passwords to WH emails. I do not have this and wonder if I should ask him for his passwords. Should I be worried if he resists?

krazy8516 posted 8/29/2013 20:47 PM

I read that some of you have all the passwords to WH emails. I do not have this and wonder if I should ask him for his passwords. Should I be worried if he resists?

For me, I needed everything, or there was no deal. My biggest hurdle was the phone, and I was tempted to accept only that. But after a few days I asked him for the PW to his e-mail, and he gave it to me immediately. I didn't even really want to check it, so much as I was curious if he'd give it to me. If he had resisted, I would have been concerned.

But everybody's situation is different. If you're comfortable not having it, that's entirely up to you.

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