I understand the BS, at times, need to carry a load, especially if there is fog.
However, I think it comes down to the WS owning most of the fixing of themselves and a sincere attempt to put the tools in place for the marriage to heal. With that I mean finding a MC, making the appointments, reading - including here, maybe looking into a Retrouville, etc.
We are switching MC, mainly because our current one is 90 miles away. Its time for my husband to take the reigns and find a new one as I found the current one. My IC gave me the name of a guy in town she recommends and I told my husband about him. He has yet to schedule anything (says he has no time to call), read anything or do anything. That's ok... I'm just here watching. I'm seeing that I'm not the priority. But fantasy football is!!
It's amazing what you see when you step back.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
I''m seeing that I''m not the priority. But fantasy football is!!
Privately, or maybe publicly for all I know, he thinks he is justified in neglecting the family for fantasy football because he "deserves the distraction". Hobbies and other interests are good. They''re healthy for all of us, but not at the expense of the M. He''s not getting that so maybe he needs to see there are potential consequences, regardless of whether he is oblivious to them or he is simply acting out in some childish passive-aggressive manner.
[This message edited by Brandon808 at 8:56 AM, August 29th, 2013 (Thursday)]
Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.
If he thinks it's MC, he has to find and book the appt. If he thinks it could be changing his boundaries he has to come up with the changes and implement them and talk to me about it.
I told him what I needed and wanted the first go 'round, I'm not wasting my free time on him and his shit this time. If he wants me, he can EARN me, and he's running out of time.
Like you I have tried to be patient but it feels like he is forcing me to lack his bags. That breaks my heart.
Part of it is just HIM in general- he doesn't like speaking on the phone to people, he doesn't like to plan things in advance and prefers to fly by the seat of his pants so asking him to schedule something is always something he fights with me about.
But I agree, it says something HUGE about priorities when you step back and see that you are the one trying for them.
My WH and I are moving into a new home soon, and had to sit down and come up with a budget since mortgate is more expensive than what we are paying now. He whined and fussed about having less money for alcohol, and for his chewing tobacco. Then made a comment about how we weren't going to do christmas presents for each other this year (which I vetoed because as a combo x-mas/birthday persent, I got him the x-box one. I already preordered and paid for it, so I told him he can kiss my butt, but he is getting me something very nice for christmas). What I hear him saying when he makes comments like that is, "My alcohol and chew is more important than your christmas present and more important than you." He doesn't get it.
When I step back, I see him buying video games, and then complaining that we have no money for a date night. *rolls eyes*
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
The hardest part of R is trusting that the very person who eviscerated you will "make things right."
My WH turned to the very escapist things that led him TO the affairs after this past DD. It took some big, BIG confrontations for him to see that anything that was even tangentially connected to his previous behavior was ACTING OUT THE SAME BEHAVIORS STILL.
It's so easy for the WH/WW/WSO to fool themselves with the universal, "But I didn't mean it that way! This time was different!" compartmentalization.
That attitude is like the antimatter for the substance of real R.
It wasn't until WH could grasp that idea on his own that we weren't just spinning wheels. For the first time since this all hit March 2012, I feel like we are in real R now. He's taking steps on his own. He has a stack of books on his nightstand and he reads them on his own. He sets limits and boundaries for himself.
Most tellingly, he monitors himself about what he's doing/thinking/choosing. That's such a huge shift, I'm both stunned and EXTREMELY cautiously hopeful.
It wasn't about me nudging him along. It was about him choosing to do this and mean it more than anything else. It was all HIS effort.
No big deal to me...have plenty of books to read and other things going on. But it is curious to step back and witness quietly and see where their actions put priorities in order in their lives.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:10 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
As others have said it is truly telling to step back and watch their actions and see where their priorities land.
I learned the hard way that if they aren't willing to do the work and research for R themselves, it really doesn't hold a deep meaning to them.
We went to MC, I found books to read and I went to IC. He started canceling MC appointments, never went to IC, and as far as books-I threw them out.
When I told him I wanted a D he decided to do the work and I wish I had done it ealier.
I feel the WS has to help the BS heal.