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Do the why's really matter?

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velvethammer posted 8/29/2013 09:12 AM

Just wondering if anyone has ever gotten any relief from actually knowing why their SO cheated? I mean, at the end of the day they still ran pants around their ankles to trashy whores without giving us a second thought so does knowing why actually help anyone in anyway?

PeaceLove187 posted 8/29/2013 09:16 AM

Yes, in my opinion the "why" does matter. I don't see how you can trust that it won't happen again unless you know why it happened and fix that issue (as well as you can). Is the WS a sex addict? Is your WS addicted to new romance? Does the WS have childhood issues to work out?

Any WS can white knuckle it for a period of time and just say no to temptation, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life watching his knuckles for signs of color.

Kierst13 posted 8/29/2013 09:18 AM

Some will say if the why is uncovered it can be fully dealt with and a new coping mechanism can be found so the wayward behavior won't repeat itself.

I'm struggling with the concept myself, because my WS went through IC and MC and did the work. We uncovered FOO issues and other issues.

In the end the IC/MC meant very little because really he had the affair because he wanted to and he chose to. What I need to find out is if him working on himself will really change his behaviors or if they will just stay dormant until he decides he wants and chooses another affair.

Shoot me now.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/29/2013 09:20 AM

Yes, I feel good knowing that all the why's he cheated had to do with him, not me: not my wrinkles, cellulite, crooked teeth, gray hairs, etc.

What matters even more to me is that he figures out the whys, for exactly the reason PeaceLove187 said:

Any WS can white knuckle it for a period of time and just say no to temptation, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life watching his knuckles for signs of color.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:22 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

strongerdaybyday posted 8/29/2013 09:23 AM

At first, I was so angry I didn't want a "why", because, it didn't matter -- cheating is cheating. And then, I realized, I needed to know why. I had the question because:
1) did he do it because he wanted to leave me?
2) was it because he loved her?
3) was he a sex addict and this OW was in a long line of OW's?
4) were our marital issues to blame?

In the end, I needed to know his reasoning, and while it doesn't make it okay it gave me an idea if R was even an option. (FYI - his why was #4. His OW was an escape from reality - until she tried to treat him like a boyfriend and started asking him to do stuff for her, drive her places etc)

velvethammer posted 8/29/2013 09:25 AM

Thanks for the responses!

PeaceLove - good point on knowing so you can hopefully fix it. I guess that's something although it doesn't really ease the pain.

Kierst13 - also a good point. What is FOO? I'm in the just shoot me boat too, I think that would've been easier.

Kierst13 posted 8/29/2013 09:31 AM

FOO = Family Of Origin

tushnurse posted 8/29/2013 10:58 AM

If you want to R then it ABSOLUTELY matters.

Does it matter to you? no they still cheated. They still broke your trust and your heart.

Does it matter so you can have a healthy M and R successfully? YES.

The WS has to get to the real, deep root of why. Why they chose to do this. If they don't or only blame the M, or things in life like not enough sex, too busy with the kids, blah blah blah. Then it's hard to feel safe in R.

It has to be more than that. They needed to feel needed, they are a SA, they have trust or intimacy issues....this is the real stuff. Getting the answers to Why they need to feel needed, why do they feel they have to protect their heart and not open themselves up to intimacy and trust.

For us it helped me to feel much safer in R when he figured this out. Then he was able to fix it, and understand it. Do I think it is the answer to R. No but it is a piece of the big ugly million piece puzzle.

Rebreather posted 8/29/2013 12:02 PM

I think it is critical that waywards dig around in their heads and do some introspection. So often it seems that affairs are due to lack of boundaries, selfishness, poor coping mechanisms. But WHY do they have those things? WHY are they like that? How can they commit to a better future if they don't understand how they themselves work? They can't, is the answer.

The "why" isn't a proof that it will never happen again. But I wouldn't reconcile without giving it a go.

3Xthefool posted 8/29/2013 13:05 PM

I agree with Rebreather; the whys need to be addressed by the WS.

Without the whys being answered or at least investigated, the R will only be more difficult for the BS and easier for the WS.

If WS isn't willing to do some introspection on the matter, then IMHO, it says a lot about how little WS is invested in the reconciliation and marriage in general.

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