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naivewife posted 8/29/2013 09:42 AM

WH really sucks. This relates to the "WS effort" post but I didn't want to thread jack.
The situation I'm facing is that on good days, WH is awesome, spontaneously apologizes, talks about how awful he treated me, how he's so ashamed, how he loves me and can't imagine ever being without me, thanks me for a second chance, etc. He does this both when we're having a good day together and on days when I'm feeling down but he's feeling okay. But then there are days like yesterday, when I had some triggers and one thing that I reacted to badly when I thought there was an accountability issue, where he's feeling stressed out, I guess, frustrated, etc. and says things like "my life f*cking sucks now" and basically makes me feel like this is all just a burden, like I'm expecting too much, and my triggering is just too much for him. By morning, he was holding me in bed and telling me he loves me. We are stressed out together. We have an infant and toddler, are sleep deprived, I work part time and am a stay at home mom full time, he works and is dealing with some fairly intense emotional (anxiety/depression) stuff. So it's hard. I can understand that things get to him sometimes, that he gets angry at himself, OW, and sometimes it comes out at me. But then I worry that I'm making excuses for him. But no one is perfect all the time, are they? I read posts about and from other WS's and it sounds like some are managing to always handle triggers perfectly, to never make their BS's feel like burdens, who when not working or spending time with their family are sitting and reading affair, marriage, and self help books, or writing in their journals. This is not WS. He's great about accountability, gave up personal email accounts and started a joint account with me (his idea), great about reassurance and talking about the A, set the record straight with anyone who knew about the A and talked openly about it with his parents, has maintained NC, has made big efforts to be a better helper at home, and attends IC and MC. But the attitude when stressed, the unwillingness to do any reading, this gets to me sometimes.
Thoughts?

Lostinthismess posted 8/29/2013 09:49 AM

Don't beat yourself up. No ws is perfect. Otherwise they wouldn't be a ws in the first place. Mine apologizes all the time, would do absolutely anything I asked. If I told him painting himself purple and doing the Macarena in the street would make me feel better, he would do it. I was triggering the other day, finally realized what it was coming from and sent him a text message explaining it. The response I got 'sorry about the trigger' he snaps at me sometimes when he's upset, usually he's mad at himself.
It sounds like the poor coping skills to the depression/anxiety is something he should be addressing in IC. Is he? Has it helped at all?

naivewife posted 8/29/2013 09:56 AM

I think you're absolutely right about the poor coping skills. This is what we'll be tapping into next week when I bring up our terrible arguing skills at MC. Our MC is also his IC. Much of his IC is taken up discussing his health issues and the A and what it meant and sadly, I think, much of it is dedicated to him getting over OW . I hate this.

Silentthoughts posted 8/29/2013 10:01 AM

I am a ww. I still have a really hard time with bh triggers. It is a constant work in progress. He feels that i am not being empathetic sometimes, usually when I am stressed or have a headache. I am doing a lot of stuff that helps him, like reading (easy for me because I am an avid reader) and transparency but I am horrible at communicating about anything that brings out strong emotions.

Maybe your mc should be different than his ic? Then you could work on the m and communication in the m instead of all about him?

[This message edited by Silentthoughts at 10:07 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/29/2013 10:08 AM

I find sometimes I have to pull myself together and either pull away from him or calmly explain what I'm feeling and how he could do things differently in the future.

For example today we were arguing and he had to go. I sent him a text telling him how down I was but I didn't want to argue right now because we were both getting defensive and it wasn't solving anything. Once we were both collected we were able to talk. This wasn't A related just him being a jerk. lol

My H wasn't a reader either. I finally had to tell him I was through telling him want to do and if he truly wanted to help me he would do whatever it took on his own.

rachelc posted 8/29/2013 10:33 AM

My H wasn't a reader either. I finally had to tell him I was through telling him want to do and if he truly wanted to help me he would do whatever it took on his own.

ya know, I review, order and read books for a living. He says to let him know if I read anything I want to share or that I think he should know about. I used to do this. No more....

SheHatesMe posted 8/29/2013 10:35 AM

Naivewife -

He's great about accountability, gave up personal email accounts and started a joint account with me (his idea), great about reassurance and talking about the A, set the record straight with anyone who knew about the A and talked openly about it with his parents, has maintained NC, has made big efforts to be a better helper at home, and attends IC and MC. But the attitude when stressed, the unwillingness to do any reading, this gets to me sometimes.

Not sure if I can provide advice that can help but as a WS I found that reading and researching about affairs can be a double edged sword. It looks as though he's showing remorse and really wanting to R with you. Reading and researching about affairs may be a stronger reminder of the pain he's caused which may lead to more shame and guilt in his heart knowing he's the cause of that pain to you. I know for me it was a wake up call when I read about other BS reactions, pain and hurt. It really made me see more clearly the hurt and pain I had caused and continued to cause by my not doing things. As a WS, we just have to do it if we truly care about our BS. For some reason WSs can not always see the extent of the pain through the words or actions of the one right in front of him. A big eye opener to me was a post from an SIer that showed all the feelings that a BS feels. It's a long read from so full of facts. I'm pretty sure you may have seen it. I wish I could locate it again. If you WS hasn't seen it he should read it. Or even reread it. My BGF had to push me a bit to read. Self-discovery is really important during this process to understand the "whys". IMO

rachelc posted 8/29/2013 10:46 AM

Reading and researching about affairs may be a stronger reminder of the pain he's caused which may lead to more shame and guilt in his heart knowing he's the cause of that pain to you.

and this is where the WS can man up and look directly at the pain caused. Don't shy away from it, because its an integral part of the healing...

ideally, I think the WS should get to the point where they can speak about what they did without attaching much emotion to it...

sisoon posted 8/29/2013 11:31 AM

I read posts about and from other WS's and it sounds like some are managing to always handle triggers perfectly, to never make their BS's feel like burdens, who when not working or spending time with their family are sitting and reading affair, marriage, and self help books, or writing in their journals.

I'm sorry you're hurting - but you know this s a fantasy, right? No WS is perfectly remorseful. Every remorseful WS feels awful about what she's done. Every remorseful WS is daunted by the road ahead. Every WS gets discouraged.

Each positive story is important. Each WS success is important. But the positives and the successes come in a context of hard, hard work.

I can say only that success (releasing pain, being loved and loving) comes from monitoring his behavior and yours, communicating, and making necessary changes long before resentment builds up.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:14 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

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