Maybe your mc should be different than his ic? Then you could work on the m and communication in the m instead of all about him?
[This message edited by Silentthoughts at 10:07 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]
For example today we were arguing and he had to go. I sent him a text telling him how down I was but I didn't want to argue right now because we were both getting defensive and it wasn't solving anything. Once we were both collected we were able to talk. This wasn't A related just him being a jerk. lol
My H wasn't a reader either. I finally had to tell him I was through telling him want to do and if he truly wanted to help me he would do whatever it took on his own.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
Filed for divorce 5/8/15
ya know, I review, order and read books for a living. He says to let him know if I read anything I want to share or that I think he should know about. I used to do this. No more....
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
He's great about accountability, gave up personal email accounts and started a joint account with me (his idea), great about reassurance and talking about the A, set the record straight with anyone who knew about the A and talked openly about it with his parents, has maintained NC, has made big efforts to be a better helper at home, and attends IC and MC. But the attitude when stressed, the unwillingness to do any reading, this gets to me sometimes.
Not sure if I can provide advice that can help but as a WS I found that reading and researching about affairs can be a double edged sword. It looks as though he's showing remorse and really wanting to R with you. Reading and researching about affairs may be a stronger reminder of the pain he's caused which may lead to more shame and guilt in his heart knowing he's the cause of that pain to you. I know for me it was a wake up call when I read about other BS reactions, pain and hurt. It really made me see more clearly the hurt and pain I had caused and continued to cause by my not doing things. As a WS, we just have to do it if we truly care about our BS. For some reason WSs can not always see the extent of the pain through the words or actions of the one right in front of him. A big eye opener to me was a post from an SIer that showed all the feelings that a BS feels. It's a long read from so full of facts. I'm pretty sure you may have seen it. I wish I could locate it again. If you WS hasn't seen it he should read it. Or even reread it. My BGF had to push me a bit to read. Self-discovery is really important during this process to understand the "whys". IMO
Reading and researching about affairs may be a stronger reminder of the pain he's caused which may lead to more shame and guilt in his heart knowing he's the cause of that pain to you.
and this is where the WS can man up and look directly at the pain caused. Don't shy away from it, because its an integral part of the healing...
ideally, I think the WS should get to the point where they can speak about what they did without attaching much emotion to it...
I read posts about and from other WS's and it sounds like some are managing to always handle triggers perfectly, to never make their BS's feel like burdens, who when not working or spending time with their family are sitting and reading affair, marriage, and self help books, or writing in their journals.
I'm sorry you're hurting - but you know this s a fantasy, right? No WS is perfectly remorseful. Every remorseful WS feels awful about what she's done. Every remorseful WS is daunted by the road ahead. Every WS gets discouraged.
Each positive story is important. Each WS success is important. But the positives and the successes come in a context of hard, hard work.
I can say only that success (releasing pain, being loved and loving) comes from monitoring his behavior and yours, communicating, and making necessary changes long before resentment builds up.
[This message edited by sisoon at 4:14 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]