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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Seeing the changes
mse89
♂ 40223
Member # 40223
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been working to change my behaviors during reconciliation to correct a lot of unfair historical patterns. My efforts have been fairly successful in being more respectful, less self-centered and kind to her (and to other people around me). There are a few frustrating parts. One is where she misinterprets the intent behind a current behavior, seeing it as the historical bad one being repeated. Another is the difficulty in her seeing the absence of some prior poor behavior (itís so much easier for us to see something happening than to realize itís not happening anymore). And itís the 1 out of 10 times when I make a mistake that is recognized (e.g. unthoughtful, angry, etc.). I realize and accept that Iíve had some incredibly disrespectful behavior over the years. But so much has changed that Iím not sure she sees/appreciates. Do other people have this experience? Any advice that might help?

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013
SimpleTruth
♀ 38507
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time and being consistent is key, I think. It's easy to fall into old, unhealthy behaviors, especially during stressful times. Make sure you're being consistent even during stressful times and admitting when you didn't do it right. This is what I would like to see in my WH.


D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...

she misinterprets the intent behind a current behavior, seeing it as the historical bad one being repeated

I know this happens with me and my WH. After a betrayal such as this, it is easy to misinterpret. It is easy to assume the worst intent behind the action. It is easy to allow the mind to go to the bad thoughts of the past. BS's are hurt, we are devastated, our trust is gone. This will take time.....lots and lots of time and consistent follow through on your end. The more you follow thru, the more you prove your good intentions thru solid actions, the more you show her that you are working hard to break those historical patterns, eventually she will be more responsive and not always jump to the worst assumptions. Be patient, be loving, be accepting of her feelings, and be supportive. It has been 8 months for me...and just NOW am i beginning to start to have an inkling of faith in the changes my WH is making.


I realize and accept that Iíve had some incredibly disrespectful behavior over the years. But so much has changed that Iím not sure she sees/appreciates

She is hurt, destroyed, devastated. No, she doesn't see.
I put up with 20 years of disrespectful behavior from my WH. That doesnt go away over night or with a few nice actions. My WH's A blindsided me...i had NO idea. None. As a result, my WH's affair destroyed my self confidence, my faith in myself and in my judgement. I no longer trusted what i thought, felt, saw....nothing. It was impossible for me to see any good in any action, because the hurt of the betrayal was front and center...and that was all i saw.

Thru lots of MC/IC, reading/posting on SI, reading books, long conversations and working on open/honest/transparent communication skills...its getting better.



Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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