SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am having such a hard day today. My BGF had one 24 hr period of rejuvenation and now is back to lost hope and sadness. I was such a stupid person in that I let the OW have so much control over my actions. The AP put in absolutely no effort and yet I was so addicted. I know I had very low self esteem and the words from the AP were all I needed. I didn’t need actions, just words. Words that she cared, that she loved me, that I turn her on. I got a high from just believing that I was pleasing someone. I just wanted to please someone. I was in such a depressive state and I could see my BGF trying to fight to get me out of it but I misinterpreted her fight for me as negativity toward me. I misread my BGFs tone and intentions. I rewrote us as most WS do. Even before DDay, I remember going back and forth with my AP on wanting to work things out with my BGF and being friends. (I know who the fuck can be friends with a former AP). This shows how stupid and blind I was. The fighting for me that my BGF continued to do slowly pulled me from the mire. I am so sorry for what I have done to her. My choices were selfish and not made with anyone else’s interest in mind but my own. I am so committed to my BGF now but that may not be good enough for her. She holds so much resentment toward me that I do not know how to get that back. She cannot look at me for long before the negative feelings flood back.

What’s the best way to handle her pain? She does not want to be comforted with any physical affection. My words are just words to her now and she’s asking for action. I want so bad to reach out to her, hold her, tell her it’s going to get better. I’m here now and I’m so ashamed and sorry for my choices. She cannot stand being in the same room with me for long. I ask her how I can help and what can I do. She just says she wants me to want her more than I ever wanted that whore. The OW was hundreds of miles away in another state I could show the OW affection. By BGF says, “You didn’t have to touch your whore and you were obsessed. Why can you do that for me?”

The AP had no life. It was easy for her to respond and give the attention back. That was my drug – the attention and the wanting words. Of course, my BGF does not return the same attention and rightfully so. Any advice on how to show her comfort, affection? I send her text messages, I call her even with the fear of causing more pain from just hearing my voice and her continuance of going over details. Sometimes I feel that she expects one word or action to turn everything around. Desperately needing some help. I know it’s me that has to fix this.

Unfortunately the only answer I have is, time. And consistent action from you.

Doing all the sweet little things are nice. Notes, compliments, flowers, candy, etc. That's all well and good. But really, the best thing you could ever do for either of you is to become a safe, sane person. Figure out why you are so broken. Figure out why you made those choices. Then change. Safeguard yourself. Shore up your boundaries.

Listen to your GF. If she says to buzz of, respect that. She may need space. It takes an awful lot for our BSs to work thru this crap. They have to process it, mull it over, work thru it. Respect that it's going to take time. Lots of ups and downs.

It doesn't feel like enough, I know. Been there, done that. Just keep listening to her, and be proactive.

Good luck.

Aubrie - Thank you. Another TT came out that I thought was unimportant. See new post. I really am broken and know I need to fix me. I don't think she'll wait while I go through the process. Thanks again for the well wishes. Words cannot express how bad I feel. :(