SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My younger sister who is 44 has always been a mess. She has spent her life seeking out the most destructive path possible. She holds down a really great job at a casino as a risk management consultant--that's about the only normal in her life I guess. She has never been married or had children (thank goodness for that one). Over the last year she has been constantly hitting up everyone for money--she makes a really good salary so should't be happening at all. All she can talk about is how broke she is. My mom recently had to bail her out of a title loan she took out on her car to the tune of $4000--we were shocked that she did something so stupid. My mom said she couldn't let them take my sister's car or she would lose her job and then my mom was terrified she would have to let her move in. We have all been racking our brain trying to figure out what she has been doing with all of her money. She had a substance abuse problem years ago, but none of the typical signs of drug use have been present so we really didn't think that's it. I finally had come to the conclusion that she is a gambleholic--made sense since she works in the casino world and she has always been addicted to something throughout her life. My sister currently lives in my grandmother's old house who has long passed away. My mom has been getting ready to put the house on the market and been renovating. She was there yesterday when the mail came--one of the letters caught her eye. It was a letter from a prison inmate incarcerated in a state half way across the U.S. (Side Note--My mom had been e-mailing with my sister back and forth last week and my sister sent one of the e-mail replies from an account that had my sister's first name but had a different last name--we will say "Wilson"--my mom freaked out and asked her why she was using an alias. She didn't reply-just said ooops wrong account.) Well, the inmate name on the letter had the same last name as my sister's fake e-mail "Wilson". WTF!? I looked up the inmate and he has been in prison since 1992 for robbery across 7 states, kidnapping and assault and attempted escape and was shot by the police during it all and sentenced to 44 years. He is due for release in six years! A real gem. This guy has been in prison for half of his life already! Honestly I don't know what to do. I want to confront her but I'm actually afraid--I'm afraid for my 70yr old mom too --she is married to a VERY wealthy man--what if my sister has told the prisoner about the money. What if this guy gets out early and she is pissed off at us and he comes after my family--maybe I watch to much t.v. I don't know. I'm sick to my stomach and so fed up with her for inviting an element like this into her life. I figure she is probably filtering some money to him and I watched a show about women who communicate with prisoners and they literally spend $1000's in phone calls since they are all collect from the prison--so it would make sense why she is always so desperate for money. So painful to watch a family member self-destruct in such a really scary way.

Is it possible to marry someone without being physically present--my worst thought is that she secretly married this guy. I'm 99.9% sure she hasn't gone anywhere over the last year--but then again who knows.

I don't have an answer for you on the marriage thing, but just wanted to send you strength, LoveActually. And to remind you, gently, that you can't save someone from herself. The best possible thing you can do at this point is focus on protecting yourself and your family. You also can't change what your mom does. She will have to make her own decisions when it comes to your sister.

You could do a few things, not really sure how it would all play out.

1. you could contact the prision with the information you have. Let them know that you are concerned that your sister is being manipulated and used by the prisoner. They may block her mail and block his ability to call her. I am not sure how all of that works exactly.

2. You can talk to your sister and find out what is going on. If she is using all this money to go to him, then you and your mom always have the option of not putting up money. Your mother also has no obligation to your sister to put her up in her house.

She's a big girl, she can figure it out for herself.

3. say nothing, do nothing - and just stay in limbo about it.

There is nothing wrong with talking to or getting calls form a prisoner. No laws are being broken unless she is stealing or doing any other illegal activites to get him money. Your only unfortunate choice would to be not to participate in her life in this respect.

And to remind you, gently, that you can't save someone from herself.

^^^Yes, so true. I have spent my entire life trying to save her--she doesn't want to be saved.

And this,

Your only unfortunate choice would to be not to participate in her life in this respect

I am really thinking I just want to disconnect from her. I don't think it would be that hard actually. I don't have a sister in the normal respect. We don't do anything together and I never allowed her to do anything alone with my children--too risky. Honestly, she never even calls me unless she needs something. I refuse to give her money, so she hasn't taken from me.

My mom is totally enabling her so she will have to decide when it's enough I guess. I told my mom that I really feel there was a reason she saw that letter--I think the universe works that way.

My mom is totally enabling her so she will have to decide when it's enough I guess. I told my mom that I really feel there was a reason she saw that letter--I think the universe works that way.

Being a parent to a failing adult is really hard. My own parents are proping up my step brother who has gotten 2 DUI's and is living back at home. They think that if they throw enough money at him, he will figure out how to stand on his own to feet....but that's never going to work.

He has no drive or ambition and I think that honestly, he will probably end up living with them in some fashion forever.

They refuse to see his issues, but there's not much I can do about it.

Have you sat down with your sister and talked to her about your concerns?
She is an adult. She has the right to make bad choices. As family I know that is hard to watch, but it is the reality of it.
Try sitting down with her and in a gentle, loving way expressing your concerns. She may open up to you, she may not.
It's hard to watch someone self destruct, but you may have no choice other than leave her be and stop enabling her with money and a free place to live.
Maybe if she has to support herself in a house etc it will be different. Be prepared because it very well may not......HUGS

Try sitting down with her and in a gentle, loving way expressing your concerns.

That's just it, I don't think I have anymore energy left. I have propped her up through multiple abortions, numerous sexually transmitted diseases--one of them was hepatitis and she came close to dying barely made it, meth addiction which caused her to lose everything including a $70k a year career she had worked so hard to obtain--those are just the main ones, there are some many other things she has done to herself. I think this latest issue has pushed me too far over the edge. She is still living like she is 20yrs old in the choices she continues to make. Sorry for the graphic description--honestly I have no where else to tell this story and get it off my chest--this is my safe place.

So weird because I was watching a t.v. show where these sisters were having dinner and laughing--I said out loud "I wish I had a sister it looks like so much fun..." My husband looked at me and said "you do have a sister". I totally forgot that she was my sister at that moment.

I'm sorry, but it sounds as if your sister has really dug a deep hole for herself over the years. Maybe it is better for your health and mental health if you cut the ties and let her be. I know that is a hard choice, but it sounds as if you have bailed her out of all sorts of things over the years and she never seems to learn her lesson and get her shit together.
Sorry...HUGS