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I'm asking too much, aren't I?

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krazy8516 posted 8/29/2013 10:49 AM

I came up with this list this morning of what I'm looking for in a man. Why? I'm purposely trying to depress myself, I guess. *sigh*

What Do I Want In a Man?

- Honest
- Kind
- Smart
- Sense of humor
- Confident, but not arrogant
- Secure enough in his manhood to cry. Or pee sitting down
- Likes himself the way he is, but isnít afraid to make changes if he needs to
- Loves children and intelligent conversation. And Italian food. And a strong cup of coffee.
- Supportive in every sense of the word
- Would rather die than see me hurting
- Isnít annoyed when I cry
- Would give up the world not to lose me
- Finds my faults endearing
- Takes care of me however I need him to
- Values my feelings
- Will kill spiders for me
- Would be perfectly happy spending a day in bed watching movies
- Loves me unconditionally

- Wonít make me feel like a fool when I realize Iíve given my heart to someone I donít even knowÖ.

Too much?

struggling3 posted 8/29/2013 10:54 AM

Nope...not to much to ask. My H has every. single. one of these qualities. Unfortunately he also lost self control when someone else "adored" him. That's why I've been hanging out here for two years trying to make sense of it all. The fact that he does have ALL of these qualities is what keeps me here...plus 31 years of marriage...plus I love him like crazy :)

mixedintherut posted 8/29/2013 11:04 AM

I wouldn't say too much, per say! You have to know and be confident in what your deal breakers are!

I don't think anyone should ever settle for less then what they want/deserve!

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/29/2013 11:19 AM

What Do I Want In a Man?

- Honest
- Kind
- Smart
- Sense of humor
- Confident, but not arrogant
- Secure enough in his manhood to cry. Or pee sitting down
- Likes himself the way he is, but isnít afraid to make changes if he needs to
- Loves children and intelligent conversation. And Italian food. And a strong cup of coffee.
- Supportive in every sense of the word
- Would rather die than see me hurting
- Isnít annoyed when I cry
- Would give up the world not to lose me
- Finds my faults endearing
- Takes care of me however I need him to
- Values my feelings
- Will kill spiders for me
- Would be perfectly happy spending a day in bed watching movies
- Loves me unconditionally


Awww Krazy, don't fret.

Men like this do exist.

It's just that the're gay.

krazy8516 posted 8/29/2013 11:51 AM

Men like this do exist.

It's just that the're gay.

Haha! Damn.

MoreWould posted 8/29/2013 12:00 PM

Krazy,

With all due humility, I can say that I was and am every single one of those things on your list, and more.

That's what my WW wanted too, that's why we're together, but it didn't keep her from screwing a guy that was none of them.

Gently, what is your list of personal qualities, that YOU live up to? Make it right, and you'll get the guy that makes the grade. Maybe the one you have now. Most importantly, you will get YOU.

It will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

MrsDoubtfire posted 8/29/2013 12:04 PM

Awww Krazy, don't fret.
Men like this do exist.

It's just that the're gay

Hahaha! Hilarious!

Krazy- don't get rid of that list as my FWH now meets all of the above apart from he will remove spiders but refuses to kill them

He had to go to a lot of IC to get there but he surpasses all my expectations of what I want..no DESERVE in a husband.

Keep that list and don't settle for less. If he is truly remorseful he will walk over hot coals to become the great man that you need.

RyeBread posted 8/29/2013 12:04 PM

I have come to the realization that the perfect partner does not exist. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. We just have to determine if the weaknesses of our partner are things we can live with. Not to mention we have to be willing to own our issues and work on them just as much as we want them to own and work on their issues.

HereWeGo62 posted 8/29/2013 12:06 PM

- Will kill spiders for me

^^ This may be pushing it a little.....

Everything else is not too much to ask IMHO.

uncertainone posted 8/29/2013 12:26 PM


Where is your list in all this? Look, I know that once someone perpetrates such a lethal blow to a relationship the recovery can change the dynamics remarkably.

If my SO showed me a list like this I'd tell him "good luck with that".
If you're asking from simply a relationship standard this is a recipe for disaster as well as a lack of awareness for responsibilities two equal partners have in a relationship.

If you're talking about a desire to recover from the assault of infidelity, how can this be realistic? Someone who makes the choice to cheat is someone that doesn't have great coping skills or thought processes. To expect them to morph from that to a knight is going from one extreme to the other without even a pause in the middle.

You have choices. If he isn't doing what you feel you need in recovery or even in general that's something you'll need to look at and decide how to proceed for yourself.

I understand that infidelity changes things. Now every thing becomes THE thing. So now I have to be ok with you doing or being xyz on top of your fucked up choices? Completely understandable. Also a bit of a no win. That can create a deficit that even St. Francis couldn't overcome.

People react to others. They do. Even if they're swimming in a sea of shame and guilt. It's not reasonable to expect that they're going to calmly default to "well, I made all these incredibly fucked choices so I will have to sit and take yelling screaming insults names for as long as it takes".

Just as you will react to them being quit, sad, short, angry there are times they will too. Over time it becomes corrosive. No amount of prostrating themselves can erase that fucked past. Can't pay it down. Can't offset that deficit.

That 2-5 year time frame so often quoted isn't standing still and erasing a huge receivable. It's also writing a new history every day. That doesn't stop for the wayward. We don't cease to feel pain while trying to make up for actions there is really no making up for.

While our choices are very much the cause of the pain of infidelity there is more to the cumulative narrative of any relationship than that. Never as reasons or excuses.

None of this is fair or ever will be. At some point everyone needs to own the choice to stay even if it merely relates to location. There will need to be an acceptance of here's where we are now and how do we proceed with this. If not then change the "we" to "me" and plan accordingly even if an exit plan isn't feasible at present. Detaching and preparing can actually help individual healing.

A question. What work have you done on your past choices?†

krazy8516 posted 8/29/2013 13:35 PM

I have come to the realization that the perfect partner does not exist.

I'm not looking for perfect. I never was. I don't even need someone who's "all" of the things on this list. "Some" would be great...

- Will kill spiders for me

Sadly, this is one of the few qualities on my list that WH actually possesses.

I'm not trying to invent someone who doesn't exist. And I'm certainly not saying I'm God's gift to men. But I'm not asking for anything I couldn't offer in return.

And if I couldn't, I would have the balls to say, "I'm not the girl for you" and let him move on...

crazyblindsided posted 8/29/2013 17:42 PM

I have come to the realization that the perfect partner does not exist.

I agree

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