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Outlawed by father-in-Law

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RavenLocks posted 8/29/2013 12:13 PM

Ugh...I'm so annoyed with my father in law. WS and I are trying to reconcile after his A. On DDay I had a meltdown and demanded that he make his family aware of his A so that they can make room for him to stay with them since I was planning to kick him out. WS told them and they were very disappointed. H told me that his father made a comment to him, "Son I don't agree with what you did but there must be a reason". This angered me to no end because I felt that no reason should validate him cheating on me. I never kicked WS out of the house and we have been trying to work to get things back. His father has since refused to make contact with me. He refuses to come over to the house when I am home and has voiced that he will not come over if I am there. Its like he blames me for the A. I'm so angry about this!! I haven't talked to WS about how angry this makes me because he is very defensive of his father since he has been recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. I've tried to reach out to his father via text and got a response that read " I'm neutral and will support my son in his decisions". It makes me wonder what exactly did WS tell his parents. I feel like not only do i have to fight to keep my M together but i also have to somehow prove myself to his father - in which case I'm not okay with. I was not the person that strayed from the M. Its so makes me want to kick something! Thx for listening to me vent....

Undefinabl3 posted 8/29/2013 12:18 PM

I am willing to bet that your WS sugar coated the issue with his parents.

Based on your FIL answer to his sone, i am willing to bet that he's either been a WS in his current marraige or in a previous relationship OR he's just that ignorant. There's not one truely remorseful WS out there that will say there was a 'reason' to what they did.

Also, your energy should not be wasted on a relationship that is not your priority. While families are imporant, but you need to go into each other and leave the rest of the family out of it.

I would just stop trying with FIL and explain to WS about what you are doing and that you are placing your engery into Reconciliation with WS, not with his family right now. WS needs to stand up for you, and support you.

standingonmarble posted 8/29/2013 14:43 PM

I went thru something similar with my inlaws. I was painted as the crazy one, not him. Just keep your distance and put it back on him when stuff comes up. I only see the inlaws on my terms now, avoiding SIL and BIL. It took awhile but just seeing your behavior as consistent and sane will do more than anything else. The other thing that helped is seeing how my kids turned out, my first 3 bios and my last BD, who is their granddaughter. I can't be that unstable if she is that well behaved.

Also, it is hard for parents to realize that their offspring can be such shithead. It is easier to place blame on the other, innocent person. Accepting that the child that you raised made such a horrible decision can be really difficult for parents.

Not that it answers your question, but don't try and play the game of proving yourself. You don't need to, WS needs to.

whatdoto posted 8/29/2013 15:12 PM


My FIL and MIL, actually WH's whole family will not talk to me. Haven't since I filed for D 6/28/13. He's the one that's had 2 A's. I'm the good wife. Go figure.

However, I will not try to prove anything to them. I stay my course taking care of me and DS. When we were trying to R, I was all good and worthy. What's sad, is they won't talk to DS, their grandson, either. Now that's just sad.

Just focus on you and R, they'll figure it out. And if they don't, well, you can't control other peoples thoughts.


CryingEyes posted 8/29/2013 15:27 PM

Your WH needs to be the one to set his father straight on the fact that the reason he did what he did was on him, not you. I would ask your WH why he hasn't stood up for you against his father, despite his current diagnoses.

Unfortunately, dysfunction usually doesn't just appear in our spouse when they decide to have an affair. It usually been around for a very long time. That's where the FOO issues play a part.

Issaquah posted 8/29/2013 16:34 PM

My FIL did basically the same thing when my WH and I separated after our first DDay back in 1999. FIL told my WH that he didn't agree with cheating but that I must have caused him to do it. When we R'd, my FIL required that we have a "family meeting" and proceeded to yell/lecture at me in front of his family for hours about how I was a bad wife, drove him to do it, and probably cheated first. It was so humiliating and awful to be targeted like that. I never respected my FIL again, ever, nor cared about his family they way I had before DDay.

About a year later my FIL came to stay with us and there was some drama related to my pregnancy. We had been in R for about a year and it was then that my husband set him straight. Him standing up for me and being more honest that he had did so much for our R.

13 years later I have learned so much more about my H and his family of origin dynamics. I would agree that your FIL attitude is based in some very dysfunctional attitudes/beliefs/practices. It seems right now is the time to figure out what boundaries you need to set with the in-laws...hopefully your husband will support you in this. You didn't cause his cheating and you do not deserve that treatment from his family.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/29/2013 16:39 PM

You know what? I wouldn't.

You have tried to reach out to him, only to be shut down. My advice? Keep being nice and friendly, keep inviting him over. Don't continue to text or harass him, and don't talk about the A with him.

One of two things will happen: either WH's father will continue to refuse to be around you, or he will get over his attitude (wherever it is coming from). Regardless, if YOU are being nice and non-confrontational, and HE is the one refusing to come over, etc... then I don't see how you can be blamed.

MC_Jack posted 8/29/2013 17:36 PM

I know blame is one factor, but don't overlook the possibility of it being shame.

Runninggirl posted 8/30/2013 19:28 PM

Very similar situation.
Could not possibly be a flaw in their perfect son.
Clearly, we are the problem somehow.
My FIL said, "Son, she is from a broken family. It must be hard for you"
WTH. We are 40 and my family is NOT BROKEN.
Im so sorry you are dealing with similar. Hugs

strongerdaybyday posted 8/30/2013 19:38 PM

Some good advice here. IMHO you should not reach out again. You were the one who was hurt - they should be thankful you're willing to R. I think Undefinabl13 hit the nail on the head with

I am willing to bet that your WS sugar coated the issue with his parents.
Based on your FIL answer to his sone, i am willing to bet that he's either been a WS in his current marraige or in a previous relationship OR he's just that ignorant. There's not one truely remorseful WS out there that will say there was a 'reason' to what they did.

And - you don't have anything to prove to your FIL. Whether he does, or doesn't, come around is not something you cannot control. Keep up working on your M. ((HUGS))

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 7:39 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

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