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hexed posted 8/29/2013 12:59 PM

This one is for the NB newbies. We hear a lot that the Relationships with the OP don't last. When it does go on for a while we start to wondering about it. Well even if it does doesn't most of the time. 5 years wasted for my X and OW. Unhealthy has a way of attracted unhealthy. Get healthy before you get a relationship!

I've known my X since elementary school. He was the first boy I ever kissed when I was in Jr. HS. We dated off and until I graduated (a year before him)

I went to college. He joined the military. He married the girl he was dating after I went to college. He would occasionally stop by and visit my mom. They were close. His first wife cheated and D'd her right as he was leaving the military and moving home.

He was barely single a year when we started dating. He'd been dating like crazy and living in what was the uber fantastic bachelor pad with his best friend. We were together a long time and then came OW. Truthfully there were probably a lot more than her. Oddly that bothers me the most.

6 years ago the first week of August 2007 he hurt more than he did when I found out about OW. It wasn't a DDay in the SI sense but it was the moment I knew our M was on a cliff. 6 months later was DDay.

So he and OW have had a 5+ year relationship. Over the summer it has been ending. I can always tell when things aren't good with the OW b/c he reaches out to me or DS in weird ways. He did again yesterday. I've been trying to maintain NC since we had our D papers notarized. I got sucked into a conversation about DS college expenses. I should've stopped it but I was in the middle of it before I realized it. OW is moving out this weekend.

We had a long tearful talk about about a lot of things. Many of them were important to me and I may post more about them later. But what struck me is that he's a 40+ year old man alone for the first time with no immediate prospects and he doesn't know how to be alone. Its sad. He and the OW were fighting all the time and there were trust issues. She is the one that decided to leave. He says he's relieved but didn't want to end it b/c he didn't want to be alone.

As for the OW -- all I can say is I told you so.

Williesmom posted 8/29/2013 13:10 PM

Yep. I've said that my Wxh is afraid to be alone with his thoughts....and his only thought is HIMSELF.

Fucking jagoffs. My wxh yours.

ExposedNiblet posted 8/29/2013 13:30 PM

I hope you were able to find some peace after your talk with X, hexed. I realize that "closure" is the Holy Grail for so many of us, but from your post, I'd wager that you managed to find your own closure. Good for you.

XH and OW broke up within months after the divorce was final. She moved back home, and he was in another "serious" relationship within a month. From what little contact we've got, it's apparent he's still dealing with serious anger issues.

So, straight from a marriage, to another relationship, and then to yet another. Where is the healing? Where is the personal insight? I understand completely when you say that your X doesn't know how to be alone. Either does mine. It's almost like they need to prove to the world that they're needed and desirable.

(I guess that makes me UNneeded and UNdesirable...I have absolutely no interest in getting hooked up with anyone again, but that's just me. )

In any case, hexed, I'm happy for you.


[This message edited by ExposedNiblet at 1:31 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

ajsmom posted 8/29/2013 13:35 PM

I see this happening to (for?) Rico in the not too distant future if Sparkle Panties ever grows a brain.

He went from living with his parents to marrying his first XW, to going back to living with his parents when she divorced him, to marrying me, to back to living with his parents when I dumped his ass, to living with his parents AGAIN to finally living with Sparkle Panties before our D was final. In the few more recent times Iíve run into him he claims heís ready to leave her but yet he stays. I just laugh because obviously the man cannot be alone.

Iím good friends with some of his cousins and as recently as last week, they saw him out and about with one of his false R hookups Ė behaving a little more like BF/GF than just friends in a PDA sense. The male cuz struck up a conversation with her (affectionately known as "Hound Dog" to me) and she claimed he is her very bestest friend in the whole wide world! Hmmm...'k. In other words, he hasnít changed. Heís got Sparkle at home making dinner and laundering his crusty whitey tighties while heís getting a little sumpiní, sumpiní on the side. So ridiculously familiar.

Be careful here, hexed. I get worried that heís hoovering you back into his circle by talking about the past and the woulda, shoulda, couldaís. Rico tried this on me time and time again until I caught on that he was once again looking for a soft place to land so he could be coddled and counseled (inherent in addicts) and get a little subtle blameshifting in on the side. Be ever so mindful of his very crafty manipulation tactics.


hexed posted 8/29/2013 13:57 PM

Thanks AJ. Nope. No hoovering. Some of last night's tears were b/c I told him I needed to not talk to him for a all. about anything.

I'm working through some of my latent issues with IC. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for some of the things I did in the years prior to DDay. Not that I forced him to cheat but I certainly added to the hell that was our M. I was able to talk about some of those calmly with him. It did give me some added closure but nothing that I really had to have.

I've realized that if I own my part of it, that I don't need him to do or say anything for closure. I've got complete closure when it comes to his As, drinking and contribution to our marital issues. I'm trying to own my part b/c I do see some old patterns creep up from time to time.

i just couldn't help but chuckle. i really expect him to self destruct totally in the next few months if he doesn't find a new victim

click4it posted 8/29/2013 15:44 PM

I'm probably one of the few exceptions here, but my ex-h and OW have been together for 12 years now. They've been married for 7. So, they DO have a happy ending.

I had always envied the ones who got that karma handed to them and the BS's who could sit back and privately laugh or at least feel some sense of relief that it wasn't really just "them".

Anyway, I'm glad you were able to feel ok talking to him and that it brought you some closure. And then you can watch him self-destruct. Hopefully you won't be tempted to "be there" emotionally for him when he does. Let him go through that period alone.

hill posted 8/29/2013 17:49 PM

XWH and OW have been married for 4 years, together at least 8 if you count the A and don't count a few months when they broke up right after D-day (maybe). They have a child.

For a long time I, too, was hoping the karma bus would arrive... but then I realized that a forever together is what they deserve

Stay strong hexed

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