"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Lovedyoumore posted 8/29/2013 13:19 PM

How did a 50 something middle aged man, successful on the outside, hurting and scared on the inside, end up in an A with a 30 something whore? It started with a conversation after a long evening business meeting. It ended with a full blown PA. I am not releasing my H from his stupidity and poor boundaries, but we need to realize there are game playing people who make a study of getting into our spouses pants. Here is how it goes....

H: I'm beat. What a long day.
OW: Yeah. Want to go for drinks? I need a good glass of wine to unwind.
H: No, I am getting too old for his. I am going home.
OW: you are not old. Your the best looking 40 year old I know.
H: I'm 52, but thanks.
OW: Oh, my God, you are in better shape than any of my friends and you can run circles around them. I am the one who needs to quit running with the young crowd.
H: you look great
OW: Oh, thank you (big hug) coming from you that means so much. You spend a lot of time out at night at these meetings. Doesn't your wife care?
H: No, she has her things to keep herself busy and these meetings are a necessary evil right now.
OW: It must suck that she does not care about you. I would never let my man be out this much.
H: She understands and I think she cares...
OW: Must be lonely for you, going two separate ways.
H: I never thought about it that way. I guess my wife does have her own life.
OW: You are too great not to be appreciated. How can she really appreciate everything you do if she does not care. You have a real talent for communication and you know so many important people. Doesn't she know how wonderful you are? I would never let you forget how wonderful you are.
H: Well, she does not come to these meetings because she is not a part...
OW: I cannot believe she is not interested in what you do. Too bad. I have heard of marriages like this where the H has to go out alone because the wife is too preoccupied to support the H.
H: She waits up, but we do not usually talk much about business. Our grandchildren keep her busy and she works some.
OW: Your wife sounds like she does not care about you or what you enjoy. Let's get together tomorrow over coffee to talk about how the work can go forward. I have some great ideas. Or maybe better, come to my house where it will be quiet tomorrow evening. I am sure your wife will not care. Merlot ok with you? I'll have a little snack out for us. 5:30 ok?
H: I'm not sure. I will check.
OW: You're cool meeting with just me, right? I mean, you're just so interesting I could talk to you all night. I need to go do my exercises before bed. You know I am as flexible as I was in high school. I mean real flexible. Anyway, you got my number. Call me. Anytime you need to talk, day or night, I have all the time you need.

Of course he went. And went back. Everything he said about me or us got turned into a negative and he was too weak to make a challenge. It is just like the frog in the warm pot. You throw him into a hot boiling pot and it jumps out. If you put them into a nice warm bath and slowly turn up the heat they will be boiling in no time. I am confident if she had just walked up to him and said let's fuck, he would have run away so fast she would have seen smoke. Nope, she set up the jacuzzi and just turned up the heat gradually. She was nibbling on his cooked legs in no time.

The entire OW speak talking points on how to land a married man is available on several women's magazine websites. It is disgusting that single women make a game of this.

lieshurt posted 8/29/2013 13:22 PM

You know I am as flexible as I was in high school. I mean real flexible.

I can't believe anybody would be stupid enough to say this, much less fall for it.

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/29/2013 13:28 PM

I am absolutely appalled by some women and sadly I don't trust anyone anymore. My H was a giant idiot but the OW wanted him and had a plan, makes me sick.

uncertainone posted 8/29/2013 13:29 PM

Of course he went

Honestly, lovedyou, no of course at all. That conversation is a hot boiling pot. The over the top flattery. The repeated insistence on defining your lives together. The aggressive insistence on meeting despite his initial refusal. If a successful businessman isn't alarmed by this I'm worried for his clients...assuming its that type of business.

Many married people aren't hard to land. Some live in the moment. I have friends that try to talk me into things all the time, and I'm not even talking about bad things. Just desiring my company (or any of their friends) to join them for truly innocent things. If they push I get pissed. I'm sure you do too.

If a hard sell is all that's needed for someone to toss their vows there's far more going on than someone's skill at enticement.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/29/2013 13:36 PM

I'm with UO on this one.
If I say *no* and the other person keeps pushing....I get pissed.

And amen to this:
****If a hard sell is all that's needed for someone to toss their vows there's far more going on than someone's skill at enticement.****

SisterMilkshake posted 8/29/2013 13:39 PM

Maybe "the of course" he went meant that "of course he went, that is why I am here" .

I can't believe anybody would be stupid enough to say this, much less fall for it.

I feel this is one of the things my FWH really feels the worst about. How could he be so fucking stupid to fall for the fucking bullshit OW was blowing up his ass? He thinks he is so smart (and he is) and that he can read people really well (he does not).

FWH thought he was going to be able to use the OW for FWB's. He told OW "I will never leave my wife for you". FWH thought OW was on the same page. FWH thought he was calling the shots all along. He totally panicked when he realized he had no control at all (over OW) and that it was the one who was actually calling the shots.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/29/2013 13:47 PM

You know - i agree when you say:

we need to realize there are game playing people who make a study of getting into our spouses pants.

My WH's OW would say stuff like
"you're so amazing, she doesn't deserve you" or "i can treat you better"
my WH would say, "she's irreplaceable" and the whore would say "we'll see about that".

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:48 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 8/29/2013 13:56 PM

we need to realize there are game playing people who make a study of getting into our spouses pants.

I agree. Not saying this is true for all cases, but in some, this is the reality. I just posted about this on another thread, and I will quote myself:

I also believe that there are predatory AP's. They can smell a vulnerable person a mile away. They are manipulative and evil. They are very good at what they do. They actually are able to make their intended "victim" believe that they are the ones that pursued them. I am not saying that the WS is a hapless "victim", but there are a lot of very naive and gullible people out there. The WS does make the choice and the decision in the end, but sometimes they don't realize they have been royally mind fucked first.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:57 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Kierst13 posted 8/29/2013 13:56 PM

I'm on the same page as UO and GB2016. The entire conversation was beyond inappropriate and all it took to end it was him getting up and walking away. If he really wanted to get the point across tell her not to ever talk to him again. He was thrown into the boiling pot and decided it felt nice.

The other issue I would struggle with is believing that's how the conversation actually went. He paints it as though he never flirted or sent the flattery back to her. That's a big pill to swallow. Did he really never flirt back or give her more than a passing flattery comment and the rest was giving pat answers to her? I suppose it's possible, but I'm not sure it's probable.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/29/2013 13:59 PM

None of us would be here if our WS's had good boundaries. MrLovedyoumore obviously didn't have them, so this tactic worked on him. But, it doesn't sound like he would have approached this woman first.

silverhopes posted 8/29/2013 13:59 PM

So sad. The saddest part of the conversation is that your H tried at points to not join in with the negative speak ...but he clearly went back, as well as kept the conversation going, or at least didn't walk away. Serious boundary issues on his part.

I have a friend who speaks that way. It makes me uncomfortable. Over-the-top flattery, as UO said - or as my Nana once said, "Are you buttering me up to take a bite?" Be weary of people who do too much - it often comes with a price, and one we might not be willing to pay. It sucks to be pessimistic, but overly niceness is a tool. One person is over-the-top nice, and the other person feels they owe them. Boundary issues written all over that.

I wonder where people learn that that's how you get what you want? I learned from watching a particular family member do it; she still does (and she happens to be an OW). Another family member said, "Kill them with kindness." All manipulative. Not real kindness. Sad and scary. Unlearning that.

Boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Politely and firmly saying no. Maybe not-so-politely the second time. Walking away physically. An underused but very effective tool in the cases of boundary breaches. Saying "Excuse me, I have to go call my spouse." Or anything else. Just not settling for "OK" about an interaction when it's not.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:01 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Rebreather posted 8/29/2013 14:03 PM

Doesn't sound like she had to try very hard.

Our spouses being "vulnerable" is on them, not the predator.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/29/2013 14:10 PM

Didn't say it was, rebreather. I always say that the WS still made the choice and decision. They are responsible 100% for their choices.

nomistakeaboutit posted 8/29/2013 14:12 PM

Well, very gently here......

The issue here is not that she provided an invitation. The issue is that he accepted the invitation.

It seems like you are maybe trying to make what he did less painful and less of an issue. You make it sound like he was the victim of a master seduction. Honestly, all she did was make it very clear what she wanted. He then acted on the opportunity.

Also, I'm afraid you are very wrong that he wouldn't have slept with her if she had just said, "let's go have sex right now". I think that because basically, that's exactly what happened. Her little banter could be spotted a mile away, don't you think?

Forsaking all others includes women who come on to you on business trips. So, I'm sorry, but your WH gets zero sympathy points from me. Actually, he's in the negative column in my book, because he chose to go back for more.

Josephine01 posted 8/29/2013 14:17 PM

To play devils advocate here. How do you know this is how the conversation when down? And even if it went down exactly that way. Your WH does have a brain in his head and he knew what she wanted. So yes, she is a thirty something whore, but he seems to like that kind of thing. I think that my husband and his mistress are both whores I just have more invested in WH the OW.

ajsmom posted 8/29/2013 14:18 PM

He had ample opportunity to defend you and the marriage. Instead he drank her Kool Aid.

True, they're both culpable. She for being a complete predator. Him for not shutting her down.

AJ's MOM

Rebreather posted 8/29/2013 14:24 PM

SM, I was referring to the OP.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/29/2013 14:26 PM

Oh!

hill posted 8/29/2013 14:30 PM

Wait, is this an actual transcript or a parody? All I could think of while reading this is those cartoons that people make with the talking bears and the computerized voices...

(((Lovedyoumore))) Wow. I'm sorry. He really should've seen this one coming.

Lovedyoumore posted 8/29/2013 14:35 PM

Sister, yes that is how I meant it.

I included this approximate conversation to show how pathetic BOTH of them were. I have not given him a pass on this at all. He was so appalled after DDay he went into intensive IC therapy for over six months to deal with the guilt and find out why he had such poor boundaries at that time. There are not excuses for an A, but why includes both before and during the A. In 6 months before the A began he had to quit running due to knee surgery, our last child was to graduate from college, we had a new grandchild, his job had become frustrating rather than fulfilling, and the biggest issue, his elderly mother died a very bloody, violent death. I tried to support him and he tried to do it the old fashioned way and just push through. Big mistake. I wish he had sought IC before the A rather than after. He is forever changed as am I.

One of our issues has been why did he submit to a woman that he would have never been attracted to otherwise. IC has helped him see the manipulator in OW came at a very vulnerable time, she used information about me, our marriage and his mother, to twist herself into his soulmate. She could be whatever he needed whenever he needed it. She told my H that the two of them sat at a charity luncheon table together (he does not remember that) a few months before she showed up to volunteer at an event my H was working on. She told him after the A started that she decided at the luncheon that she wanted him and set up a plan to meet up again. She quit a regular job to volunteer to be near him. All before the A even started. How desperate is that?

Yes, we may have not had a perfect marriage, but I thought we were in a good place and I was blindsided by it all. In some ways, so was he. He has said many times he should have sent her packing but he was trying to be "cool" and handle it.