Are you new here? Read up on the 180, make sure he's telling the truth it could be an EA or PA - either way you deserve to know. Also, consider counselling for yourself. ((HUGS))
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:55 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
EA - emotional affair
PA -physical affair
I'm going to find the link to the 180 and post it.
I too found this site through google - it's a good place to be. When you have a minute, click the healing library link in the yellow box at the left hand corner of the page. you may find it useful.
Talk to your girls when you can - if this is fresh you need to give yourself time to process. and, from experience, being secretive means a lot more went on then what he's willing to admit too.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:09 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)
here's the link to the page as well:
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:15 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
"Just friends" is often a cover up. He needs to prove to you that she is truly just a friend, and if not you will know otherwise.
I believe the saying around here goes, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
The healing library can be found in the upper left hand corner of the screen in the yellow box. It has listed abbreviations, resources, and tons of other information.
So sorry your hear, but there are lots of supportive people here!
I just don't understand why and i sit here wondering if it really is my fault.
I'm sorry this is happening. I know how you feel. The feeling of devastation, fear, anguish, and anger. Everything you are feeling now is normal and natural. You've been betrayed by the one you thought you could count in the most.
You will receive a lot of excellent advice. I will give you some regarding your statement above. Be sure to take this and sear it into your mind, heart, and soul.
Your husbands adultery has/had NOTHING to do with you or your marriage.
Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem. It is NOT a marital problem.
Your husbands blaming it on you is simply him taking the path of least resistance. My ex-wayward-wife did the same thing. Upon my discovering it, the very first words out of her mouth was that it was my fault. Total cowardice.
It is important you remember this and take it to heart. His adultery had nothing to do with you. Period. Really, honestly knowing this will help you tremendously in healing.
Keep coming back and posting. Everyone here has been through the same.
I admire your gumption in confronting the OW.
Cheaters are liars by nature. Now that both your husband AND the OW know you're on to them, expect them to take the affair underground. Even emotional affairs go underground. It's so romantic, "us" against mean old bitch/bastard spouse. So I suggest you back off a tad. Expect a secret phone to be purchased. If the OW is married I suggest that you contact her spouse tomorrow. TOMORROW. Don't tell your husband you're going to do it, because if you do he'll just warn her and then she'll tell her hubby about the crazed, deranged woman who's going to be phoning him and making wild accusations.
Print out all the screen shots & texts you can manage. Put a copy of everything in your best friend's hand, your trusted neighbor's hand, your personal safety deposit box that only you have the key. Go back over your bank statements. ATM receipts. And especially credit card statements. Anything seem off? I found my husband's eharmony membership on the bank statement. He thought I was too stupid to look. I also noticed repeated trips to the grocery store. Turns out that's where his secret mail box was (one of those small in-house postal stations). Look on your husband's key ring. See any keys, like post box keys, that seem unfamiliar?
Above all, take care of yourself. Get to your gyn and request a complete check for STD's. Just about all of us here end up getting checked for STD's. It's a cold slap in the face. You also should book yourself a couple sessions with a counselor, and do it for your kids as well.
Just breathe. Take this one thing at a time. We're all here for you.
Hang in there! <3
What you need to do is talk with your WH and tell him that his relationship with this woman is not ok. If he has so much time on his hands, he should have plenty of time to read Not Just Friends. He needs to send this woman a NC letter. Talking to someone about his depression is a great idea--he should find a trained professional to do that with.
No more card parties--he needs to focus on home, wife and children. If he is not willing, then hit him hard with the 180. Do not stand for this kind of treatment from him. Be strong for your daughters.