SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

silverfrost posted 8/29/2013 13:35 PM

I just confronted my husband of 20 years. I work 40+hours a week and am away from our home. I took on this job 3 yrs ago when he got injured on the job and has been unable to work. I've been trying to pick up some of the financial strain. Since may he has been going to "alot" of card parties about a half hr.away. at first me and my daughters thought it was a great idea for him to get out and do something but slowly my 12 year old started noticing him being very secretive with his cell phone and his computer actions. My 18 year old actually started watching his actions more than me. I told both girls that they had no business watching him so closely and assured them nothing was wrong. So i started to pay attention...i found that there is a number that he texts back and forth from the time i go to work until the time i get home. The number is listed in his phone as "spam call blocker". Upon calling it i got voicemail and confirmed who it is...then got on facebook for a visual of what i was up against. I asked him about it all and he claims she is just someone to talk to about his depression and lack of working and uselessness and said that i'm too busy with work for him to talk to. He also claims there is nothing going on...i feel so miserable and sick. I don't know where to turn, what to do or anything. I don't want to talk to my friends and i'm trying very hard to keep everything from my girls.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/29/2013 13:54 PM

Your girls are smart they are aware something is going on - they've already picked up on it. It may be wise to let them in (not full details - but don't leave them in the dark either)

Are you new here? Read up on the 180, make sure he's telling the truth it could be an EA or PA - either way you deserve to know. Also, consider counselling for yourself. ((HUGS))

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:55 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

silverfrost posted 8/29/2013 14:03 PM

I am new here, didn't know where to turn and this is where google led me. I don't know what the 180 is and i don't know any of the abbreviations you used...sorry. i know i need to talk to my girls but i can't hardly function without fighting the tears. I know i would completely lose it with them because the hurt in their eyes will be unbareable. I don't know whether to believe him or not, but why so secretive?

strongerdaybyday posted 8/29/2013 14:08 PM

I am sorry - I'm so used to using abbreviations now

EA - emotional affair
PA -physical affair

I'm going to find the link to the 180 and post it.

I too found this site through google - it's a good place to be. When you have a minute, click the healing library link in the yellow box at the left hand corner of the page. you may find it useful.

Talk to your girls when you can - if this is fresh you need to give yourself time to process. and, from experience, being secretive means a lot more went on then what he's willing to admit too.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:09 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

strongerdaybyday posted 8/29/2013 14:11 PM

So here's the 180 - especially useful when a spouse doesn't get your pain/won't be honest etc - it drove my H (husband) crazy - but for the better; it was how I got to the root of the A (affair) got some answers - he realized this would continue if he wasn't honest - if you feel it's to soon to implement the 180 that's okay too - it took me about a month before I could do it:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

here's the link to the page as well:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:15 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

mixedintherut posted 8/29/2013 14:13 PM

Have you asked to see his cell phone? Do you have passwords for any online accounts?

"Just friends" is often a cover up. He needs to prove to you that she is truly just a friend, and if not you will know otherwise.

I believe the saying around here goes, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

The healing library can be found in the upper left hand corner of the screen in the yellow box. It has listed abbreviations, resources, and tons of other information.

So sorry your hear, but there are lots of supportive people here!

dontknowwhyme posted 8/29/2013 14:59 PM

Time for detective mode. There is probably more going on than he has told you.

silverfrost posted 8/29/2013 22:04 PM

Well, i got the husband to hand his phone over after he assured me there was nothing on there, he had no clue i knew about "spam call blocker". I was fueled with more anger and hurt than ive ever imagined but i hit the dial, she answered "hi hun" which just set me off! In front of him i let her know exactly what i thought of her, him, and the world. Her response "isn't he allowed to have friends?" Umm ya he can have friends but 1 female friend that he is exclusively texting 658 times is a problem. We then fought for the 1 1/2 hr drive home. He says it's all my fault because i don't understand his dissability and i'm never home to talk to....i guess i was dumb for picking up a 40 hr a week job so we can make ends meet. I talked to my older daughter about it, she is filled with so much anger i don't know how long i can control her from speaking out to him. She wants to leave and i honestly don't blame her. I'm so confused as where to turn. I don't have many resources as my job is only 6 months out if the year and no family. I just don't understand why and i sit here wondering if it really is my fault.

LearningToFly posted 8/29/2013 23:04 PM

Its not your fault. He could have been doing so many productive things to help himself with his depression. Cheating on you was not one of them. He did that all by himself while you were working to take care of the family.

Dreamland posted 8/30/2013 00:04 AM

Ok it started like that for me..
I wish I would have gone into stealth mode.. Tracker in car and spyware on phone.. You don't have to tell him anything. Tell him you over reacted and then let him do his thing.. Get a PI if you can afford it.. They can find out a lot quickly. Also try not to include your daughter. That was my mistake and she pretty much hates him now.. Try to protect the kids.. Later on you can talk with them when they are older or if they ask.
Good luck.

keptmyword posted 8/30/2013 00:48 AM

I just don't understand why and i sit here wondering if it really is my fault.

Silverfrost,

I'm sorry this is happening. I know how you feel. The feeling of devastation, fear, anguish, and anger. Everything you are feeling now is normal and natural. You've been betrayed by the one you thought you could count in the most.

You will receive a lot of excellent advice. I will give you some regarding your statement above. Be sure to take this and sear it into your mind, heart, and soul.

Your husbands adultery has/had NOTHING to do with you or your marriage.

Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem. It is NOT a marital problem.

Your husbands blaming it on you is simply him taking the path of least resistance. My ex-wayward-wife did the same thing. Upon my discovering it, the very first words out of her mouth was that it was my fault. Total cowardice.

It is important you remember this and take it to heart. His adultery had nothing to do with you. Period. Really, honestly knowing this will help you tremendously in healing.

Keep coming back and posting. Everyone here has been through the same.

Nature_Girl posted 8/30/2013 02:00 AM

There's a book here people recommend all the time, Not Just Friends. I think the author is Shirley Glass, but don't hold me to that. Anyway, I suspect you need to read that book ASAP.

I admire your gumption in confronting the OW.

Cheaters are liars by nature. Now that both your husband AND the OW know you're on to them, expect them to take the affair underground. Even emotional affairs go underground. It's so romantic, "us" against mean old bitch/bastard spouse. So I suggest you back off a tad. Expect a secret phone to be purchased. If the OW is married I suggest that you contact her spouse tomorrow. TOMORROW. Don't tell your husband you're going to do it, because if you do he'll just warn her and then she'll tell her hubby about the crazed, deranged woman who's going to be phoning him and making wild accusations.

Print out all the screen shots & texts you can manage. Put a copy of everything in your best friend's hand, your trusted neighbor's hand, your personal safety deposit box that only you have the key. Go back over your bank statements. ATM receipts. And especially credit card statements. Anything seem off? I found my husband's eharmony membership on the bank statement. He thought I was too stupid to look. I also noticed repeated trips to the grocery store. Turns out that's where his secret mail box was (one of those small in-house postal stations). Look on your husband's key ring. See any keys, like post box keys, that seem unfamiliar?

Above all, take care of yourself. Get to your gyn and request a complete check for STD's. Just about all of us here end up getting checked for STD's. It's a cold slap in the face. You also should book yourself a couple sessions with a counselor, and do it for your kids as well.

Just breathe. Take this one thing at a time. We're all here for you.

Recycling posted 8/30/2013 02:07 AM

Yes to what Nature_Girl said! I just started reading "Not Just Friends" too. It's helping.

Hang in there! <3

silverfrost posted 8/30/2013 08:57 AM

I woke up with some kind of fire and courage coursing through my veins...feels weird. But i went ahead and sent the "spam call blocker" a text. It read "good morning, hope you slept well. I just wanted to put it out there, because you obviously have a texting addiction, that i am free all the time. Maybe try and use my number some of the 658 times. You may not always like the response you get, but trust me...i will respond! Have a great day and maybe try to get out and meet someone else's husband so you can leave mine alone....sincerely THE WIFE" i guess i'll see where this gets me

hopingforhappy posted 8/30/2013 10:43 AM

To be blunt, what it will probably get you is a restraining order (or at least the threat of one). As difficult as it is at this early point, you need to try to take your focus off the OW and put it on you WH. Anything you say to her will be disregarded, or blown out of proportion or whatever. You cannot talk sense to these people--they do not think the way you do. Chances are you cannot scare her away. She has already shown how brazen she is.

What you need to do is talk with your WH and tell him that his relationship with this woman is not ok. If he has so much time on his hands, he should have plenty of time to read Not Just Friends. He needs to send this woman a NC letter. Talking to someone about his depression is a great idea--he should find a trained professional to do that with.

No more card parties--he needs to focus on home, wife and children. If he is not willing, then hit him hard with the 180. Do not stand for this kind of treatment from him. Be strong for your daughters.