Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: How do we stop dwelling on the past?
ccw82
♀ 40133
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know how to stop dwelling on the past? And on the details? It's SOOOO incredibly hard to move on and try to R when my brain won't shut the f*ck up with the mind movies and the dwelling!

WH hasn't done anything "new" since DDay, but I can't turn off the fact that any of this stuff happened AT ALL. And I am hardcore dwelling on it, but I really don't want to! Please share your words of wisdom on how I can stop this nasty dwelling before I drive myself crazy!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Kierst13
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ccw82, it isn't the past. It is still so very fresh and raw for you. This takes 2-5 (or more) years to heal from whether you R or not.

The trust will be rebuilt one little piece at a time. As the trust is rebuilt the *dwelling* and questions will lesson, but it will take months if not years.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Please be easy on yourself and give it time.

[This message edited by Kierst13 at 2:03 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will probably not like my answer.

You aren't dwelling on the past. I think you are reviewing your present. Two months past dday is a drop in the bucket.

Maybe try to opposite approach, and let yourself dwell as much as possible. Stop trying to push it away. If in a bit of time you literally cannot control the it, there are techniques you can employ to control intrusive thoughts. But I don't know that it is time yet.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ccw82))))

i went thru exactly what you are. At this early stage after DDay, I dont know that its so much dwelling as it is your brain just trying to process everything. It felt like 24/7 it was ALLLLL i could think about...trying to figure it out, make sense of it....something, anything.

I always hated when people gave me this answer...but.... time. For me, as i began to process what had happened and work thru things with my MC/IC, the dwelling/obsessing became less and less. MC/IC, reading books and posting on here was vital to my survival. As I began to deconstruct my WH's A, began to understand the why's and how's of it all...the obsessive thoughts became less frequent.

i think the most important words of wisdom i can share is to allow yourself to feel what you feel. Dont rugsweep your feelings. You matter, your feelings matter. Focus on you....work on you. Take time to see an IC and figure out what you need/want. Rebuild yourself. Look into yourself for strength. its there. you may not feel it...but its there. A good IC will help you channel it and bring it out. Eventually the dwelling will be less.

hugs to you


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right where you are ccw. I think about it nonstop and it's driving me crazy.

I'm hoping it's because H doesn't really talk about the A with me or bring it up on his own. He has recently realized that he needs to do it, he just doesn't know where to start. I just need to see/hear that he is working on himself and how he could do this. I find myself trying to do the work for him even though I know it's not my responsibility.

I just hope he is able to do it soon to help me start healing. I just feel so alone.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post

[This message edited by Bikingguy at 5:15 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 676 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good advice above. I became more at ease when I stopped trying to move on. Our MC gave to tips to help get out of shitty days when I spend much of it in the past. Instead I just wadded in and got comfortable. Hearing it is a long process and realizing it are two different things. WW and I thought web were going to set a record at healing. Then my fog lifted:(. I stopped beating myself up and am trying to settle in for the long haul.

And it does get better. Having a WW that gets it helps a lot, but also focussing on me and the kids has also helped. I have not started a thread in a couple of months as life does seem to be stablizing more. With that said I know at any time something might trigger and ruin a day. That's OK, will discuss with WW and work through it. Good luck, it does get better.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 676 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew the answer. My husband sent me a text the other night saying that he loves me, we'll get through this and he won't let me down again. I responded by saying "thank you but the future is not what worries me....it's the past". I don't worry that he'll cheat again. I worry that there's more I don't know about the past. The trickle truth did a real number on me. I'm constantly in fear of allowing myself to move on and forgive only to find out that I still don't know the whole truth.

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am like Scubachick... 10 months of TT and I can't believe a thing he says... I still can't get over the past. It haunts me as if its happening to me. WH keeps complaining that he's not doing it so why do I keep acting like its happening now.
I hate mind movies and all the triggers that come with them.. I could use help on this one too


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really worried I won't be able to get over it. It went on for so long and started at a time when he should have been supporting me (and I him). I worry so much that he's not the man I thought he was and that the man he is now is just a facade to keep me from leaving.
It doesn't help that he doesn't talk about it. He says he doesn't remember or he doesn't know what to say. He's supposed to sit down tomorrow to really think about it and try to come up with a timeline. I hope he is able because I really need to see that he is working to figure it out.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Cliffhanger101
♀ 40218
Member # 40218
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ccw82,

I have a similar timeline to yours. Thanks for posting this, it's helped me too.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CliffHanger101
Simple
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 months is nothing. This is something you need to go through I think. It's like steps you know? First shock and denial, then acceptance, than anger.. though my steps are probably not in the right order. Please don't go on denial though. Better to have these now. Pushing it off or denying these feelings will just fester. If you're in R, include your spouse in these dwellings. Your WS needs this time to step in and be your comfort to prove himself to you. This is also a way to build a true R. Giving your WH a chance to be there for you.

Then will come a time when you've learned to gather your strength and you feel you can face anything.

I can tell you even at 1 year you'll still feel the same, but maybe less, and so on. I'm on 5 years now and I do know it gets better.

Hugs to you.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
ccw82
♀ 40133
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple, I feel like I'm caught in a vicious cycle I can't get out of! I keep cycling through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression...but I can't seem to stay in acceptance. Maybe for a short period of time, but then I always end up at denial or anger again!

I think I need hypnosis...


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6.8.13 D-day here, so I'm right there with you. Living this hell 24/7. If it goes away in my head for more than 5 minutes it's a miracle. I don't know how much more of this I can take.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Painfuljourney
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have a similar timeline. I figure time will help. I'm overall happy with reconciliation. His affair was 4 years ago but to me it was just this past month. The mind movies hit me several times a week. I usually have to ask questions once a week still and we cry and cry together. It's hard. But in between we are in a much better place. No matter how often the mind movies hit and the questions that come to my mind about details, I'm trying to limit myself to once a week to talk to him about it now instead of every other day. I write the thoughts down so I don't forget but then it puts it out of my mind for a bit longer.

I'm very sensitive now to triggers though. She drove a jeep, I can't look at a jeep without triggering. Ping pong, he played with her the first night they met, now the mere mention of it triggers me... So many things. Her name, first and last, his uniform... I'm hoping I can get somewhat desensitized with time. But we are only 2 months from DD.

Overall though I focus that now we are having the marriage we were always supposed to have. He's a changed person. I try not to dwell in the negative, thus only allowing it once a week.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CCW.....I wanted to answer but not in a forum. You have a new PM from me.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
pewpewpew
♀ 38116
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs ccw.

Right now, you are doing what you are supposed to. You're dealing with a trauma. You will go through many vicious cycles.

But you will get through them.

Key word that no one likes to hear: TIME. Yes I know - ugh.
But trust me, with time you will get there.

I am 14 months out. Just up until a few months ago - the past was the one thing I could not get over. I couldn't stop obsessing/dwelling as you say. My answer to WH was always "Build a time machine".

Within the last few months, something happened. My feelings and thoughts have changed. Maybe it's acceptance? I'm not sure. It's not forgiveness. I've already decided I will never forgive.
I think I've finally reached a point that I am healing. My triggers are few and they don't seem to last like they used to.
You will get there, I promise. But cut yourself some slack. At even 6-9 months I was no where near this point.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
mightsurvive
♀ 38794
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with pewpewpew. You will get better. You will never forget but as time passes you think of it less often and less intensely. I still think of WH A but I do have hours without doing so(which is a big improvement from 24/7 just like you)


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
roses303
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only a month further along than you and I am still in that place. It is a horrible place to be and it makes reconciliation seems so much harder because we are still living it. FOr them it's over, lets move on, but we need to process every detail and make sense of it or accept it before we'll be able to move past it.

I've spent the last few weeks trying to reconstruct my life during the 1st affair and the second affair and the time in between. This need to make sense of where I was, where he was , where we were during the affairs is maddening.

Our MC session yesterday was mostly me trying to figure things out and him saying "I just don't remember. Once the 1st affair was over I just shut it out of my mind." and the MC saying "You need to understand why you need to remember. You need to understand why your wife needs to know this information. rack you brain but give her the information she needs no matter how hard it is to dig up"

We'll see what happens but in the meantime, I'm still haunted and obsessed and not getting near of what I need to be getting done done.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
ccw82
♀ 40133
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfuljourney:

I'm hoping I can get somewhat desensitized with time

Yes, this is also what I am hoping for. I'm honestly hoping that I get so sick of hearing the details that I don't trigger when I run across those things. Hoping!

pewpewpew:

I couldn't stop obsessing/dwelling as you say. My answer to WH was always "Build a time machine".

I have told my WH this same exact thing, over and over! His reply to me is: "If anyone is smart enough to invent a time machine, it'll be you!" Haha...brownie points maybe?

roses:


I've spent the last few weeks trying to reconstruct my life during the 1st affair and the second affair and the time in between. This need to make sense of where I was, where he was , where we were during the affairs is maddening.

Our MC session yesterday was mostly me trying to figure things out and him saying "I just don't remember. Once the 1st affair was over I just shut it out of my mind." and the MC saying "You need to understand why you need to remember. You need to understand why your wife needs to know this information. rack you brain but give her the information she needs no matter how hard it is to dig up"

This is where I am at as well. WH is trying to remember details, but since the PAs happened two years ago, it's hard for him to recall certain things. He has yet to write me a concrete timeline (that he can add to as he remembers things)...I have asked him to, but he told me he hasn't really had the time to sit down and think it all out. While I agree with him that our lives are hectic and busy, I feel that him doing that could possibly help me. The only thing I'm worried about is that seeing it in writing, and reading it over and over, will actually hurt me.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.