Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Hysterical Bonding-Discussion Please, want to understand

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

MsRukia posted 8/29/2013 14:31 PM

So I have seen this referred to. It's something that happens after DD for varying amounts of time. Could someone expand on this a bit? Is there any articles? Is it considered healthy? How do you know when it's HB or just a healthy sex drive? And finally how have you handled it?

Thanks in advance. I am just trying to understand myself better and my crazy sex drive.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/29/2013 14:35 PM

Copied and pasted from the Healing Library

Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Rebreather posted 8/29/2013 14:38 PM

So, I dunno. I haven't ever found anything actually 'scholarly' on the subject.

Generally, IMHO, I think it is a desperate desire to reclaim what is rightfully "yours." I know for me, part of it was needing to know I was the last person he touched. I have often joked that I should have just peed on him to mark my territory.

Is it healthy? Well, many of us jumped into sex with our spouses with no STD testing. In hindsight, I don't think it was very wise.

On the other hand, sex is a chemically bonding event. I do think for us, in the early days/weeks, the frequent sex helped us be a couple. Feel a passion and desire we hadn't felt in some time. Connect on the most basic, fundamental level. Hence the "hysterical" part of the bonding. It don't make a lot of sense.

Some people are repulsed by their spouses after they learn of the affair, and I think that is a totally ok reaction as well.

It's a totally mixed bag, and I have no idea if there is a right or wrong answer.

faithhopelove23 posted 8/29/2013 14:50 PM

I'll admit for me, it was trying to prove that I could be "enough" for him and attract (and keep) him like "the others" did. Sad, huh?

TxsT posted 8/29/2013 14:57 PM

For us, sex after Dday came very naturally. We had struggled to connect sexually before the A and it was delightful that it returned so easily. I think it is because all of the crap that caused the unbending was now out in the open and on the table. No more hidden resentment, unmet expectations....all of the past reasons seemed so stupid.

I am running with our new found connection and I can assure you we won't let it go fallow again!


[This message edited by TxsT at 2:58 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Alex CR posted 8/29/2013 15:20 PM

For us sex had dwindled to nothing during the A and I was tired of not getting any. I do feel like I was marking my territory when we visited the places H had gone with OW, but the hysterical bonding was a way for us to connect physically while getting through the pain of it all emotionally.

It was really good....we tried a lot of new things. In the end it was good sex though, not making love. I still don't have those feelings like I did years ago, but am not complaining. The frequency has calmed down but it was a good time and I don't regret it.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/29/2013 15:28 PM

I wanted all the orgasms he owed me. I was so pissed that he gave what was mine away.

PamJ posted 8/29/2013 15:42 PM

For me the sex was an extension of all the talking and communication of our feelings to each other, spending so much more time together after he ended his EA.

He was very attentive, very loving, very remorseful letting me lead the way in asking the questions and answering without offering perhaps more than I wanted to know.

He was very thoughtful doing little things for me that he hadn't done in a while. It was a turn on. I had the power. It was up to me whether we had sex, or not, and when, how etc.

I don't know if it was healthy or not, but, as we were trying to stay together I was not going to deny my desires to prove some point or punish him or stick to some plan. It seemed natural. And yes, it does help keep the intimacy going and the lines of communication open as well as the emotions flowing.

SmallButStrong posted 8/29/2013 15:52 PM

It sounds like it is very common, so it must be natural.

My H and I had HB for about 6 months. I'm 11 months out, and now I find sex very difficult. When I look back, I can't BELIEVE how much insane sex we were having. We were experimenting with things we've never done before, and we were doing it 2-3X a day! He thought it was proof that we were just "meant to be together" and that it was a sign. Now that I'm thinking more clearly, I can see how dysfunctional it was for me. I was out to prove to him that he only needed me, and that I was the sexy bitch now! I also was focused on doing things they DIDN'T do, to show him what he was missing out on.

It's a total mind f#@k. But I think it really does provide necessary closeness that you need in those early weeks. You need to feel that he really is yours, and that he needs nobody else.

krazy8516 posted 8/29/2013 15:53 PM

My H and I have always had a habit of "make up sex". For us, I think that's what HB was. The A was our ultimate martial spat and sex brought us together in the most fundamental way.

For me, HB wasn't "extra" sex - we've never really been lacking in that department. It was more like "sex that my brain doesn't want me to have, but that my body is craving." I needed to feel loved by him, and that's the best way he knows how.

TxsT posted 8/29/2013 15:55 PM

My hubby did say he felt that some of our earliest sex was forced by was he surprised to find out I had missed our love making as much as he had!!


crazyblindsided posted 8/29/2013 17:20 PM

We are still having it Either that or I have hit my prime

MsRukia posted 8/29/2013 18:04 PM

Thanks guys that's helpful. What I am hearing is that it different for each couple. For some people it is a positive experience and it helps them bond again after D-Day. Though for some folks it can become a negative if it is done in such a way as to mimic acts done with the AP. it does frighten me to think that sex may become difficult down the road.
I have a lot of sexual trauma in my past growing up. I have had to work through my sexual hang ups through therapy on and off for a long time. I was pregnant and restricted from sex when WH initiated the affair. It was a very low point for him. Ironically he asked for therapy that November and for several months I sought to heal myself sexually in the months leading up to DDay. For the first time in my life I began to really enjoy sex and have fun with it. I was finally finding myself sexually. I don't want o lose that, though much of my brain tells me having great sex right now makes no sense at all.

RedRose posted 8/29/2013 18:34 PM

We had this right after Dday 1. Like someone else mentioned, I think I was trying to convince him to choose me over OW. Not the best reason at all, especially since despite having sex a few times a day everyday, he was still seeing her.

myperfectlife posted 8/29/2013 23:46 PM

For me part of it was that he had issues with performing with her.
With me all he had to do was touch me or me him and NO performance issues.
I think I used it as "see, dumbass, this is what it's supposed to be like."
We've always had a very active sex life and it didn't stop during the A or for long after it.
But there are definitely times when I don't want him to touch me and I don't want to touch him.
I also think a lot of it is marking territory, reclaiming, "reminding", and some of it is just plain nervous tension.
I ALWAYS get wound up when I am nervous and going through all this A stuff is nerve wracking!
I don't always have to do it with him though

Nohopeleft posted 8/30/2013 00:51 AM

For us it was the 3 weeks after DDay 1.
It was crazy and intense. Definitely did things that had never been done, and numerous times per day. I felt like we lived in bed those 3weeks.

That all came to a crashing halt when WS slept with a prostitute for revenge.

Had that not happened, it probably would have lead into a wonderful reconciliation as we were talking and really spending time together. Everything got put on hold but our relationship.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.